Monday, November 27, 2006

"Street Law"

I had to register for classes the other day for my FINAL SEMESTER OF LAW SCHOOL. So here's what I'm taking:

1. Wills & Trusts
2. Secured Transactions
3. Selected Issues in Criminal Law Seminar (because I couldn't get in to "Law & Emotion Seminar" So fucking unfair.

4. Street Law.

Wait. What's that last one? Street Law? What the fuck is Street Law? Admittedly, I signed up without knowing the answer to this question myself. But my fantasy syllabus for Street Law looked something like this.

Week 1. Your cousins baby daddy who stole your dope- to cap or not to cap his ass?

Week 2. The art of fake bling

Week 3. How to "represent" while driving a stolen stick shift.

Week 4. Fashion forward on gang colors: "playa yet practical".

Well, turns out that's not what the class is about. Apparently it involves going to high schools to teach the students about their rights should they get arrested. You have GOT to be kidding me. Why can't I go to the school and tell the students "Hey,you little fuckstains. Don't sell drugs. Don't rape girls, and don't shoot people or you're going to jail " No. I have to go teach them different ways to sass the cops and the State's Attorneys when they've been caught selling smack to knocked up 4th graders. And let's be honest. What the fuck is the point when I can't go in there and tell the the truth anyway? Im sure that they're really going to understand this concept: If you have been taken to the police station, held in a closed room for 15 hours for "questioning", you are not entitled to an attorney because you haven't "technically" been arrested and you should have known that you were free to leave EVEN IF YOU'RE HANDCUFFED TO THE WALL.

Really the only advice I would be comfortable giving is this:

If you've got nothing to hide FOR REAL and you've been pulled over, resist the urge to act like a little punk ass bitch. IT'S NOT THE FUCKING TIME.

If you get pulled over and you HAVE done something wrong, try crying.

And I'm going to get 3 credit hours for that?

I went to a VERY liberal high school. So liberal that our field trips included anti-censorship rallies. The only advice I ever remember getting on what to do if we were to get arrested at one of these rallies came from my acting teacher. On the school bus, she told us this: "Stay within a few feet of your buddy at all times. If it looks like police are trying to arrest you, trade shirts with your buddy"

Ah simpler times.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Self Righteous Non Smoker Post

4 Months ago TODAY I quit smoking. It was hard because I didn't go by the whole "you'll quit when you're REALLY ready" because I knew I would never be ready. You know why? BECAUSE I LOVE CIGARETTES! They are perfect little things. But 4 months later, I think I can say I'm pretty sure I won't smoke again. But I think it will be hard for many many more months to come. So you know what I REALLY don't need? I REALLY don't need the dumb professor (who teaches at the same school where I attend law school)who just moved in across the hall from me to be Professor McSmokerton! Oh my god! So if I believe in Karma and all that past lives hoopla, just how awful do you think I WAS in my last life? Was I like Mussolini? Or John Wayne Gacy? Son of a bitch. I bet I was.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Grace. Is. So. SEXY.

So it's about 3:00 in the afternoon. I drank like a frat boy last night, and now I'm pretty tired and cranky and hungover. So I haven't gotten much done, unless watching a Super Sweet Sixteen Marathon counts, and actually, in my book it does. It fuels my rage. And I need my rage.

ANYWAY, I decided that I really needed to get out of the house. If not for me, then for my poor dog, who has been looking at me lately with what can only be described as disdain.

So I throw on gym shoes over my blue argyle socks that I slept in the night before, throw my hair in a ponytail and add a purple wrap-around sweater on top of my aqua t-shirt. I brush my teeth and walk out the door with the doggie.

FYI, I live on the gayest street in one of the gayest neighborhoods in the midwest. Every single car has a either a rainbow sticker or a blue HRC logo on their bumper. (Except me. I have an American Poolplayers Association sticker, which is clearly devoid of any statement on my sexual orientation.) Anyway, it's common to get flirted with while walking on my big gay street. Especially when you you have a dog as cute as mine.

I see a girl walking towards me. She's pretty, but oddly looks a little bit like Monica Lewinsky, which is funny because I had just had a conversation about Monica Lewinsky and how the press referred to her as a "Portly Pepper Pot" I LOVE that expression. She's also wearing fishnet stockings, and I don't understand that. So as the Portly Pepper Pot ("PPP")comes within speaking distance she strikes up a conversation with me asking me about my dog, what her name is etc... I'm feeling flattered. I look like crap, probably smell like a bar, and may or may not have mascara on my cheeks. But I'm STILL cute enough to be flirted with. This boosts my confidence level. she asks me if I like living on the gayest street ever, and I tell her I do and I love the neighborhood blah blah blah. She's eating it up. PPP wants me so badly. She can't even look me in the eye. She's actually staring at my chest! I'm feeling pretty sexy. PPP probably thinks I'm like some sexy "bad girl" or something. Doesn't matter that I haven't showered. It probably helps with the whole naughty image I apparently have mastered today. I decide it's time to end this fun little rapport with a flirty "maybe I'll see you around". There may have been a wink on my part. I don't really remember.
I get back in my apartment and decide to look in the mirror to get a glimpse of the magnetic hottie I had become.

Yeah PPP wasn't staring at my boobs. No. When I spit out my toothpaste earlier, I guess I missed the sink and there was a big glob of toothpaste spit on my purple wrap-around sweater. Yay me!!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Psycho Family Chapter 1

My sister hates me because I won't sue the dating company that didn't provide her with a husband over 6'0.

She also hates me because I won't PERSONALLY PROSECUTE the drunk guy who threw up on her boat IN WISCONSIN.

I'm not making this up. She hates me. She thinks I'm trying to "keep her down."

more later.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Rubberband Balls & The Law

So, I was walking towards school today, and I can see in the distance a 30+ member marching band right in front of the school. And I automatically get pissed off. A. Because I assume it's somehow Christmas related, and B. Because it's my nature to get pissed off at big stupid stuff like bands shoved down my throat.

So I ran into my friend and I immediately launch into how stupid it was, and it's not even Thanksgiving and I hate the world blah blah blah.

And he tells me to go down and take a look. And I say no way. It's stupid. And he says TRUST ME. Go down there. So I did. And it was a celebration for the WORLD'S LARGEST RUBBERBAND BALL EVER! And there were jugglers and a band and clowns and people dressed up like human rubberband balls, and people were handing out mini rubberband balls that you could have signed by the family who created the world's biggest rubberband ball. I didn't want to wait in the line for that, though.

It was really cool. Dixie and Nurse Ratchet, you have some serious work to do if you want to beat the record.

Still strange that they chose my law school to unveil the worlds biggest rubberband ball. And I forgot to bring my camera phone to school today so I can't even take a picture.

I also couldn't take a picture of the loud talker on the el today. Her conversation was really good. She broke up with her boyfriend over the phone. It was cool. Ok, I have nothing else to say. I hate Thanksgiving. And I can't wait for 2006 to be over. There's a chance I'm in a bad mood today. I think if my dog could talk she'd say "I think we need some time apart" she keeps on looking at me as if she wishes she was someone else's dog.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Loud Talker on the Red Line #1

Since you thought everything you were saying was important enough for the entire train car to hear, I discreetly took a picture of you with my camera phone and decided to publish everything I now know about you. So here goes:
1. Every time you say "N as in Nancy" when spelling your last name, you sounded like a little Nancy boy.
2. Your allergies have really been bad lately, and you take Flonaise.
3. Your son goes away to college, and when you start feeling anxious about life, you drive down to his dorm and do his laundry.
4. Your former girlfriend told you that college kids who get laundry service are spoiled.
5. You really want to sit on the rooftop bleacher seats at a cubs game.

Sorry this isn't the most interesting first installment of "Loud Talker on the Red Line" but you never know who the next one will be.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

To the Girl in Front of Me in the McDonald's Line

Bitch, it’s McDonald's. It’s Mc FUCKING Donald's. We all know what we want to order. The menu hasn’t changed in 5,00000 years. We ALL order the same thing we’ve always ordered. It’s common knowledge that people don’t deviate at Mickey D’s. What’s with the hold up?
All I needed was a fucking Diet Coke, and I’m stuck behind you? How unfair is that? There aren’t that many possibilities on that menu to choose from! What’s with the ENDLESS contemplation? Or did the re-introduction of the McRib render you too stupefied to place your order in under 4 minutes? We are talking about McDonalds. What’s the worst that could happen if you misspeak to the woman taking your order at McDonalds? You could end up with a cheeseburger and fries? AS OPPOSED TO THE CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES YOU ORDERED? Personally, I think you took your time because you knew I was standing behind you. And furthermore, you could probably tell I was in a hurry and in a horrible mood. And you just felt the need, (as people who are unattractive tend to do), to make my day worse. Well, fuck you. I am onto your scam. You don’t want my day to get better, because you think that my life is so much easier than yours because I’m not as ugly as you are, so you intentionally take a long time ordering your quarter pounder. And you think that you have in some way one-upped me? Not likely, Bitch. You’re still ugly.

I hope this post doesn't make me sound impatient, angry, paranoid and shallow even though I am impatient, angry, paranoid and shallow.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

And before you EVEN START

I get how easy the comparison would be to make between my last post and the one before it. I'm not about to argue that very arguable point. Just please wait for the body to chill first.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

MC with the junkie who watched my friend die the other day:

Apparently you were the one who called the sheriff's office to report him. All anyone was told was that he was dead, and he was hanging out with a fellow junkie when he died. Oh. But I just learned an added detail. It does mention in the paper that our friend was found face down on a bed. I don't know what difference that makes. But now it's three things I know about my friend. 1. he's dead of a heroin overdose. 2. You were with him. 3. He was found face down on a bed. I'm really only concerned with number 2, though. You were with him when he died. And no one knows who you are. Maybe you can answer some questions for me. Since you were with him when he died. These are in no particular order.

1. Did he kill himself, or was it accidental? Seriously. We don't know. Did he say anything? Did he say he wanted to die? Or did he say something was really really wrong and he needed medical attention but you were too fucked up yourself to deal with it?

2. when did you notice there was something wrong? And what did you do about it? How long did you wait? Did you call the sheriff's office right away? Did you pass out and wake up and he was lying face down on the bed?

3. Was he scared? Did he know he was about to die? Did you know he was about to die? And if so, did you comfort him? Did you put his head in your lap and stroke his cheek and tell him that he was loved by so many people? Did you whisper that everything was going to be ok, and remind him of what an extraordinary man he was? Did you tell him that people would miss him? Did you tell him that he was and always will be more than a junkie? No. I bet you didn't. I bet you sat there and watched him die. Maybe you were hoping he would die just in case he had more heroin in his pocket that would then be up for grabs.

4. Was he in physical pain? Was he pale? Were his beautiful arms just completely ravaged by needles? What was he wearing? Was he cold? Did you offer him a blanket? Or did your addiction strip you of your humanity. Do you think it stripped my friend of his?

5. Did he seem sad? I know that seems like a dumb question. How could he not seem sad? Did he say what he was sad about? Or do junkies not talk feelings? Or did you just not care?

6. Did he say that he missed me? No. Don't answer that. I don't think I want to know.

7. Did you stay with him while he died? Or did you leave him alone, after you reached in his pockets and stole what remained of his money or his dope, to die face down on a bed all alone. To die alone with no one to comfort him?

8. What could we have done to save him that we didn't already do?

I wish I could know. Not like you would read this. You don't have a computer. I'm sure if you did, you sold it for drugs. My friend probably sold his, too. Before he died face down on a bed a from a heroin overdose.

His memorial service was today, I did not go. I had many many friends go in my place. I decided to stay home and write my paper and presentation on "Abuse of Subpoenas" which is due on Monday night. Did you go to his memorial service? Do you remember he died? You were with him, remember? At the memorial service, were you reminded of how cool he was, and how smart and FUCKING HILARIOUS he was like everyone else there was? Or do junkies just stick to knowing and feeding off of personalities of people who are at their very emotional lowest?

Was he just a moment in your life of no real consequence? Or did you love him? E loved him. J loved him. I loved him. His family loved him. Does your family love you? Do they feel about you how we feel about him? If so, my heart breaks again for your people. Because it's just a matter of time before they are asking the same questions that I am, but of some new junkie who reported you lying face down on a bed. Dead of a heroin overdose.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Guide to a Chemically Altered Law School Experience

I don't know how any law school student can get by completely drug free for all 3 years. I know I didn't. Never anything illegal or unprescribed, mind you. I want to be a prosecutor so I can't be a hypocrite. However, the prescribed and legal ones are lovely. Mostly. As long as they're not used in excess*. For anyone who knows the story of How Grace Spent Her Summer, you'd know that being as chemically altered as possible on any given day is not just forgivable- it's actually the responsible thing to do. So here's a list of drugs that "people I know" have used to help them manage their law school experiences.

Adderall- Supposed to be used for ADD/ADHD. The go-to drug for getting through writing your appellate brief and learning the Federal Rules of Evidence at the same time.

Alcohol- Not an occasion where it's inappropriate. Except maybe during an exam. But I bet an argument can be made that that's appropriate too. *Excess rule doesn't apply.

Ambien- For nights when you forgot to drink alcohol and can't fall asleep. it's really good, and you don't wake up groggy.

Caffeine- If at all possible have it injected directly into your bloodstream every 30 minutes.

Codeine- Ehh... it's good if you've been sitting in uncomfortable chairs for too long. It's great with a glass of cabernet.

Darvocet- See Codeine.

Dexedrine- Also used for ADD/ADHD. It's a yummy little amphetamine that makes you be able to A. Study more, B. Smoke more, C. Drink more. Side effect is you also tend to talk more. And you sometimes sound like you're on crack.

Lexapro- Eh... some people like it alot. Apparently it's a little mellower than wellbutrin.

Nicotine- As a recent non-smoker, I can't say enough good things about these little cures to every problem. I miss them.

Trazadone- After you've been up for 3 days straight, writing your evidence mid term because your professor is an asshole who GIVES midterms, and you now have the jitters from lack of sleep, but you need to sleep. Take this. You'll go to sleep. The only problem is that I don't think it's really sleep. I think it's more like knocked out. So don't take it if you have something to wake up for the next day. You won't be in top form, to say the least.

Tylenol 3- Like Codeine, but better with a white wine.

Vicodin- See Codeine.

Wellbutrin- This is a nice anti-depressant. In a low dose, it works for smoking cessation. In a higher dose, it's different. Your pathetic life is still your pathetic life, but now it seems there's a laugh track in the background. Can give you the shakes though, so don't take it before you have to hand-write your exams. Why in the world would you hand-write your exams anyway?

Xanax- You get a little nervous? Take a xanax. Get pissed off at your family/girlfriend/boyfriend because you are too busy with law school to drive out to the suburbs for dinner? Take a xanax. None of the printers work at your school and you have to turn a paper in? Take a xanax. Forget to drink? Take a xanax. Wake up in the middle of the night worrying about how you'll ever pay back your student loans? Take a xanax. It's a day ending in "Y"? Take a xanax.

Note- I am not a Doctor. If you choose to try these drugs please consult one. You'll have to go to one anyway because these are mostly prescriptions.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Silly myspace survey

These are silly, but whatever... everyone else does it. They just usually do it on myspace, not on their own blog, but whatever. I can do what I want.

have you ever ______ with your top 5?

Number 1: Amy
Number 2: Kim
Number 3: Annie
Number 4: Ron
Number 5: Vieve

Have your ever danced with number 3?
Probably, but neither of us dance sober.

Where did you meet number 5?
At "that bar"

Have you ever kissed number 2?
Um... no. Or if so, it was in a spin the bottle sort of scenario.

Have you ever gotten drunk with number 1?
Oh yes. Very much so. She's one of the funnest people to drink with.

Has 1 been to your house?

Has number 2 ever seen you naked?

Have you ever gone shopping with 3?:
Yes we would go to Target all the time together. It was like foreplay before we showered together.

Have you ever seen 2 in a swimsuit?
I think I've seen her in MY swimsuit.

Have you met 5's family?
No, but I think I would like them ALOT.

Do you know 1's middle name?

Have you ever eaten anything in front of 4?
Yes, lots of appetizers at various parties.

have you ever-hated 4?
No but I have wanted to flyto L.A. for the sole purpose of smacking him.

have you ever fought with number 2?
I don't know if I fought with her or was just bitchy to her behind her back.

When's the last time you talked to 5 in person?
It's been way too long. I miss her.

Have you ever seen 3 do something embarrassing?
Where do I start? I was usually doing the same embarrassing thing, though.

are any of your top 5 family members?
No, no one in my family is that cool.

Has anyone in your top 5 seen you cry?
I think 4 of them have.

Have you ever done something dangerous with number 4?
Not yet, but I'm not scared to.

Have you ever slept in the same bed as number 2?

do you think 4 and 5 would make a good couple?
It would be...intersting. One is the sanest person I know, and the other is the craziest (in a good way)

have you ever, or are you currently dating anyone in your top 5?
yes I used to. ;-)

Would 1 do anything for you?
I think she would, she's nice like that.

How do you feel when 2 hugs you?
It's been a while, but she's a good hugger.

It's hard to act offended when you're laughing as hard as I am.

Wisconsin Voter-beware of gay eskimos!