Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Son of a Bitch

I burned my ass on the radiator again this morning. My bathroom is too small.

And my photo shop skills are unsatisfactory.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Crazy Person on the Redline

I'm sitting on the redline with my headphones on. A woman gets on the train. Her bag has Canadian flags all over it. She looks right at me, and her mouth is moving.
I take off my headphones and say, "Excuse me?"

She looks at me very sternly and says "Jesus is Lord."

I took off my headphones for THAT?

"Is that all?" I ask her.

"Yes." She responds.

"Ok." and I put my headphones back on.

We get to the next el stop, and she gets off. It all happened so fast, I almost didn't have time to snap her picture.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

To my friends: A Simple Request

Stop fucking trying to fix me up with people! It's fucking totally retarded and you ALWAYS GET IT WRONG. You do not understand my taste. You do not understand my sense of humor. So STOP IT. Additionally, stop acting like you're doing me this big favor. Especially those of you who are married or otherwise partnered off. You only do it to show that you still have cool and attractive single friends.
In case you weren't aware, there's REALLY no shortage of invitations. There's just a shortage of people I say yes to. But I suspect you know that. And if it's the other person who you think you're doing the favor for, let me tell you something. You are NOT doing them a favor. I wouldn't set me up with my worst enemy! I am not good at this stuff. I don't like it. I don't like "dating." I'm really super bad at it. I am an asshole. Do your friends a favor and don't give them my phone number. Seriously.

You guys know me well enough. You also know most of the people I've dated in my entire life. Why don't you give these people you want to fix me up with the phone numbers of the people I used to date? I'm sure they'll be glad to tell you what a fucking disaster I am in relationships.

You also know how I operate. So when your friend calls you up after the date you shoved down my throat, and tells you, "What's up with your friend Grace? We had a great time, had fun etc..., I called her and a month later she's still hasn't called me back." dont get mad at me. Chances are that I did not have fun, but was faking it out of politeness. Not to mention, I am the worst phone call returner ever. If I dont return your calls, what makes you think Id return theirs? Please. Just. Stop.

Unless any of you know Mary Louise Parker and think she could be bi-curious. Then its fine.

Friday, January 19, 2007

A cab driver story. No. Not THAT one.

So, I had to take a cab from O'Hare Airport to my mom's house to pick up my dog and my car. It's snowing like a son of bitch, and it's midnight. The cab driver line was fairly short which was good, because I was wearing a really light jacket and I was freezing. I get in the cab, and the cab driver is jokey and nice and not too chatty, and was polite enough to turn down the music when I got a cell phone call. We ended up having a nice chat a little later about whatever. I don't remember anymore.

All of a sudden, about 2 miles from my house, the cab gets pulled over for speeding. He couldn't have been going more than 7 miles over the speed limit. Obviously the suburban cops felt like being dicks. Anyway, I'm slightly annoyed because as I said, it's midnight. And now the cops are dicking around with this cab driver.

Well, turns out the cab driver is driving on a suspended license and GETS ARRESTED. All while I'm sitting in the back seat of the cab. And all of a sudden I hear one of the police officers say "Well, I guess your fare is going to have to find a new ride home." And that's it. Excuse me? The police officers are going to just leave a young(ish) woman with luggage on the side of the road in the middle of a snowstorm at midnight?

I am enraged. I can't believe that the cops are going to so blatantly ignore my safety in favor of busting a cab driver for a suspended license. Don't get me wrong. I could give a rats ass about the cab driver. A. He shouldn't have been driving on a suspended license, and B. There's a huge chapter in "How Grace Spent Her Summer" focusing on my hatred and fear of cab drivers. Ok, hatred is a little strong. Intense dislike and distrust. Anyway. I can't believe the cops are acting so nonchalant about me. A totally innocent passenger.

So, in a little bit of a huff, I open the back door of the cab, load my luggage over my shoulders and start walking without saying a word or even looking at the cops.

"Hey, hey! Where ya going, Miss?" Miss? Well, it's better than honey, I suppose.

I turn around and say "I'm walking home." I have no intention of walking home, but they didn't have to know that. A calculated risk, I know. There was the chance they could have just let me.

"You don't want to call another cab?"

"No, I don't. It's midnight in a snowstorm in the suburbs on a weekday. Seems like it might take a long time. Don't worry about it. Clearly the cab driver is much more important than the safety of his passenger."

"Listen ma'am (ma'am?), we're just doing our jobs. No need to be snotty." Snotty? Oh no he didn't.

"I don't have time to argue about this with you. I have to work tomorrow. (I didn't say at the State's Attorney's Office but I almost did.) If you were REALLY doing your job, you would offer me a ride home. It's only a couple of miles on Blah St. and Blah St. and I highly doubt that a suspended license arrest takes 3 squad cars and 5 officers."

"We aren't a cab service ma'am" ma'am? REALLY? Douchebag.

I started walking again. I hear one of the officers yell out "Hey boss, can I take the passenger home? She's on Blah St. & Blah St."

Boss responds with "no problem." Duhhh...

So the officer tosses my luggage in the trunk of the car on top of the heavy artillery (I think), and put me in the back seat of the squad car and took me home. He was actually quite nice. My mom must have loved having her neighbors see her daughter being dropped off by a police car. Very cool. Fortunately it was late.

The good news is, I didn't have to pay the cab fare.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007


Ok, my MOM found my blog. Why couldn’t she have just watched me give a bj or something slightly less intrusive? In fairness, I had mentioned it to her a LONG time ago, but I didn’t expect her to remember or it or even comprehend what a blog is. Anyway she was driving me to the airport Saturday morning, and she’s like “So, I was doing a little research on the budget cuts, and guess what I came across? Law With Grace”

Fuck. My brain is back pedaling to what I’ve written lately that she actually read. Fuck. Glow in the dark vibrator. Slut. Pill popping boozer. Christmas. Fuck mother fucker fuck shit ass rat fuck.

So, I asked her what she thought, she said she was glad I didn’t write anything about her. Then I exclaim “You read about my vibrator!” and she was all calm and simply said,

“Honey, you think I have no experience with a vibrator?” She’s fucking funny. But I’m a little grossed out.

I made her promise not to read it anymore. It’s sort of hard to make an invasion of privacy argument when you have a public blog, but I managed to AND informed her that I can see from the site meter whether or not she’s reading it. She didn’t really understand that, but I think she was cool with just not reading it. She’s cool like that. But still. Ewww.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Useless Waste

Yes, that is my life. A useless waste. Here's what I've done in the last 4 days:

1. Watched at least 30 episodes of America's Next Top Model. Seriously. I am now a stupider woman. I couldn't get off the couch. It sucked me in.

2 . I went to the Dr. and insisted they perform an EKG on me because I was certain I was having a series of heart attacks. They said my heart is completely normal. I just have anxiety or panic attacks. So I told them that can't be possible because I've done nothing but watch America's Next Top Model, napped and read To Kill a Mockingbird for the 500th time. Such a law student cliche, loving that book. Even though Atticus is a defense attorney, I can't get enough of it. Anyway, my point to the Dr. was that since finals are over, and the nightmare holidays are over, this is the LEAST stressful time in my life. Except for that I keep on having heart attacks. So, she asked me if I'd recently experienced any bad things in my life, so I have to tell a little of the "How Grace Spent her Summer" story. And then she sent me away, saying I'm fine, not having heart attacks, and should be seeing a therapist. I ask her if by "therapist" she means "Doctor who gives me pills to pop" and she said no.

3. Every moment that I wasn't sleeping or watching ANTM, I was watching Law & Order or CSI with a bottle of wine.

4. I've spent so much time on my couch, its lost its shape.

5. I've read law school blogs, or "blawgs" as they are called in law school geekdom.

6. I've checked my grades online and only one grade is posted. How fucking long does it take to read a couple of freakin essays. And WHAT'S the excuse for the delay on Scantron exams. It's not reasonable. And I check them like every 45 minutes like a fucking 1L would.

Sidebar- doesn't Hilary Swanks new movie "Freedom Writers" sound exactly like Michelle Pfeiffers movie "Dangerous Minds"?

7. I have broken almost all the New Year's resolutions I've made. The only reason I haven't broken all of them is sheer laziness.

8. I wrote my rent check. It will bounce.

9. I've had my laptop on my lap for so long that it's left indentations on my thighs.

10. I did take lots of pictures of loud talkers on the redline. I'll post them soon.

11. I chose a vacation destination. I will be going to Detroit. SEXY!!! I was going to leave tonight but I got engrossed in a little show called America's Next Top Model. I'm definitely leaving tomorrow. At noon.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Is the Chief Justice Sniffing Glue?

I just read that Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts is saying that the salaries of federal court judges are so low that it has "reached the level of a constitutional crisis."

You have GOT to be fucking kidding me! A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS? I'm sorry, can someone please remind me what part of the Constitution guarantees federal judges the RIGHT to make roughly $125,000 MORE than the average American?

Roberts called the wages "grievously unfair." I'm sorry, with all due respect, The Chief Justice is a fucking whiner.

Let's talk about what's "grievously unfair" for a moment, shall we? Losing 40-50 public defenders who are way underpaid anyway while Todd Stroger concerns himself with his new private elevator.

OK. What else is "grievously unfair"? How about that gay people can't get married? Why don't you work on that one Chief Justice Roberts? Or how about that gay people can't serve in the military? Let's not deal with human injustices. No... let's go back to salaries.

Here's something "grievously unfair": A federal judges salary is the equivalent of three public school teachers salaries. Or three states attorneys salaries.

I'm sorry. "grievously unfair"? Suck it up, Roberts.