Saturday, January 20, 2007

To my friends: A Simple Request

Stop fucking trying to fix me up with people! It's fucking totally retarded and you ALWAYS GET IT WRONG. You do not understand my taste. You do not understand my sense of humor. So STOP IT. Additionally, stop acting like you're doing me this big favor. Especially those of you who are married or otherwise partnered off. You only do it to show that you still have cool and attractive single friends.
In case you weren't aware, there's REALLY no shortage of invitations. There's just a shortage of people I say yes to. But I suspect you know that. And if it's the other person who you think you're doing the favor for, let me tell you something. You are NOT doing them a favor. I wouldn't set me up with my worst enemy! I am not good at this stuff. I don't like it. I don't like "dating." I'm really super bad at it. I am an asshole. Do your friends a favor and don't give them my phone number. Seriously.

You guys know me well enough. You also know most of the people I've dated in my entire life. Why don't you give these people you want to fix me up with the phone numbers of the people I used to date? I'm sure they'll be glad to tell you what a fucking disaster I am in relationships.

You also know how I operate. So when your friend calls you up after the date you shoved down my throat, and tells you, "What's up with your friend Grace? We had a great time, had fun etc..., I called her and a month later she's still hasn't called me back." dont get mad at me. Chances are that I did not have fun, but was faking it out of politeness. Not to mention, I am the worst phone call returner ever. If I dont return your calls, what makes you think Id return theirs? Please. Just. Stop.

Unless any of you know Mary Louise Parker and think she could be bi-curious. Then its fine.

No comments: