Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Rehab

NO. Not mine. Don't be fucking ridiculous. I'm not going to rehab until I can do it like Lindsay Lohan after a night in a Hollywood hotel room where I was found in a hallway completely unresponsive to medical personnel. I'll pull that one out right after the July bar exam, I think. I'm just rehearsing until then. I'm talking about rehab as a means of getting famous people/politicians out of trouble. It used to be hilarious. Now it's just stupid and passe. Like when people tell Christa McAuliffe jokes or go to law school. Ok. I could have probably used better examples but you know what I mean.

Let's just discuss this year. Mark Foley, the Page fucking US representative. He gets caught discussing cute underage butts bouncing up and down with high school boys, and asks them to measure their erect penises, and when he gets caught, he runs off to rehab because of his alcohol problem. Wha, wha, what? Because we can't talk about his penchant for 15 year old cock? Alcohol seems to be the least of his problems.

Then we have Mel Gibson. We all know about his anti-Semitic drunken rant about Jewish people. The only good thing that came out of that mess was the use of the phrase "Sugar Tits" which I plan on using liberally. Anyway, instead of addressing his problems with the fact that he has a dangerous hatred of Jewish people, he goes for a little booze treatment. Yeah, the oft forgotten 13th step of recovery: Stop hating jewish people. Whatev.

Michael Richards. Now I'm not sure if he actually entered a treatment facility for his racist tirade, but I know he was "seeking serious psychiatric blah blah blah" to try and understand where that anger stemmed from. Because it most CERTAINLY couldn't come from the fact that he's simply a fucking racist douchebag, could it? Naaaa. That's too simple. So thank God he's getting the counselng that he so desperately needs.

And then there's Isaiah Washington. He went to "rehab" because he called TR Knight a faggot, and then used the word faggot again at the fucking Golden Globes. Um. And where is that treatment held? The Bette Ford Center for Homophobic Actors Desperately Trying to Hold on to Their Jobs? Does he get some sort of little chip for every day, week or month he doesn't say something offensive to PFLAG?

Here's the one that sucks the most though. This came out yesterday. Gavin Newsom aka Hottest Mayor Alive, is now "seeking treatment" for his alcohol problem. What bothers me though, is the timing. He is seeking treatment just hours after his campaign manager confronted him about the fact that Gavin was fucking his wife. I really do hate to say anything bad about Newsom, because he has done so much for gay rights, and is just generally so good looking, that I'd cheat on my spouse with him. Actually I would cheat on my spouse 5,000 times for his hot ex-wife Kimberly Guilfoyle. I think this is a good reason why I should remain single. But I digress. He got busted. He should let the other guy kick his ass, and then he should say he's sorry, and maybe take a slight beating in the press for like 2 weeks, and then it would be fine. Now he has to go to rehab, so everyone sees him as someone who is not strong enough to be responsible for his own actions. (But somehow is strong enough to be mayor of a major American city.)

It's wrong. It's deceptive. AND IT DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE!!! WE ALL KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING!

Celebrities/Politicians: Stop going to rehab and "seeking treatment" and start apologizing. Or better yet. How about this? Stop fucking up so much!

That's all. Oh, and by the way this guy started using heroin in rehab. Better watch out. You might leave with a little more than a bad case of homophobia.

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