Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Blogging my ASS off: A Trilogy Part III


Dear the woman at the airport who gave her 9 year old daughter Owen Wilson's haircut,

I walked by you and you had ok hair. And your husband had ok hair, and your son... looked like you did the bowl thing, but whatever. And then your adorable cute daughter? What the FUCK were you thinking? Seriously. I think that haircut is child abuse. I'm sorry if you think long hair on a kid is a pain in the ass for YOU, but little girls LIKE LONG HAIR. THEY LIKE PIGTAILS AND BRAIDS, AND CUTE BARRETTES, and you're simply a lazy twat.

I love my mother. She's sweet, and generous, and funny, and gracious and smart. But a part of me wants to choke her for the bad hair choices she made on my behalf as a child. Fuck that. No cute 9 year old girl deserves the haircuts I had. It went WAY beyond the Dorothy Hamill. One time, before a family cruise to the Bahamas, my mom made me get my haircut to look JUST LIKE DON JOHNSON. It was mean. Just because she didn't want to have to bother with making me look presentable, I had to look like the pre-pubescent female Miami Vice. Her convenience led to months of junior high ridicule.

So Lady, seriously. Your kid has the worst haircut on the planet. Don't be a lazy bitch. Give her some fucking braids or something. Do you WANT her to hate you? Because she will.

Sincerely,

Grace

P.S. On the aforementioned cruise, I got drunk for the first time AND went to 3rd base with the 30 year old Bahamian scuba instructor. I'm not saying it was BECAUSE of the hair, but...well...

5 comments:

Daisy Duke said...

Is that as bad as being in junior high and not realizing you had curly hair so just having an awkward poof all the time?

Harmless Error said...

I still haven't forgiven my mother for cutting all my hair off when I was six. Fine, I refused to brush it or let her brush it, but that's no excuse for making me look like Fred Savage circa 1987.

The Burton Report - Arizona Cardinals said...

Instant classic!

dixie said...

i think you should post your don johnson picture....

Grace said...

Dixie- I think that would definitely require a little quid pro quo from you!!