Tuesday, June 12, 2007

How I Pee in Public Bathrooms:

1. I open the stall door.
2. I check to make sure there's nothing gross in the toilet or on the floor.
3. I close the door.
4. I lock the door. It's usually 1 of only 3 different kinds of locks. I've rarely been tripped up by some new fangled locking mechanism.
5. I unzip my pants, or lift up my skirt.
6. If I'm wearing underwear, I push them down to about knee-length.
7. Depending on the cleanliness of the bathroom, I either sit down, or squat over the toliet. I rarely do the whole cover the whole seat in toilet paper thing. I don't think it does a lot of good. Having said that, I have done it before.
8. I gently push.
9. Pee comes out.
10. While I'm peeing, I grab some toilet paper from the dispenser.
11. I finishing peeing. I give a little push to make sure I'm done.
12. I wait a couple of seconds in case there's a drip.
13. I wipe, sometimes back to front,sometimes front to back about 6-8 times.
14. I throw the toilet paper in the toilet.
15. I stand up.
16. I flush the toilet.
17. I pull my underwear up, if I'm wearing it.
18. I pull my jeans up.
19. I zip them.
20. I button them.
21. I unlock the door.
22. I step out of the stall, and head to the sink.

Am I missing something? Isn't this how everyone does it? It is, isn't it? Well then what the FUCK is taking the rest of you bitches so GODDAMN long?


m. said...

sometimes i like to read on the can. it could take hrs. then there's the question of doing a number 2....

Grace said...

M. I'm sorry... you READ in PUBLIC bathrooms? What's wrong with you?

Justice Moustache said...

"IF I'm wearing underwear." Woohoo!

m. said...

ohh you mean PUBLIC bathrooms...yup i definetely take a newspaper with me, AL Bundy sytle. takes at least a 1/2 hr to go over the world news section...

biff said...

i've started to do MBEs on the john. some of my best work.

Anonymous said...

What's worse is when women "squat" to avoid touching the seat, thereby spraying urine all over it for the next person. Nice. Might want to addd "wipe seat if I got any pee on it" to your list.