Thursday, August 30, 2007

Umm. I have a question.

Is it possible that the water in my new place makes my hair dry faster than it dried in my old place?

Seriously. I want to know.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Salad Bar Paranoia

I'm fairly certain that at every salad bar, someone sneaks in and adds Windex to one of the salad bar toppings. Today, it was added to the bean sprouts.

That's all I have to say for now.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Attack of the Homophobes

I've been following, and sort of engaging in this CRAZY blog war over at Fannie's Room. It got awfully heated, and at times a little ridiculous. It's sort of dying down now, but if anyone feels like it, you should really take a peak. It's sort of eye-opening. I really hate homophobic assholes.

Here's the original posting

The other postings can be found on her main page.

She's also just a really good writer, and you should read her regularly.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Dear Incoming 1L's,

As your first day of law school draws near, I thought I'd put together a little list of helpful advice. Who am I to be giving advice, you may be asking? No one. So don't take it if you don't want to. Anyone who has survived their first year, feel free to add to the list, as I'm sure I've left some things out.

As always, in no particular order:

1. 90% of you will not be in the top 10%. Get used to it. You probably will NOT be in the top 10%. Why? Because the numbers say so. I wasn't in the top 10%. I wasn't even close. I still ended up with the only job I wanted. I also know some people who were in the top 10% who still don't have jobs. With this is mind, spend some time focusing on not being an idiot in interviews, and learn how to network. If you want to work at the State's Attorney's office or the Public Defender's office, start clerking there immediately, because they aren't going to care if you're top 10% if you haven't put your time in.

2. You do NOT have to study in a study group. Don't be guilted into thinking that's the only way to study. It's not. It doesn't work for everyone. I fucking hated studying in groups. It ALWAYS made me feel stupid and insecure. Try it. If it works for you, great. If it doesn't, then don't do it! It's your education to do with as you please.

3. The first case that you're going to read in Con Law is probably going to be Marbury v. Madison. It's long. It's boring. And if your professor is anything like mine was, you will spend WAY too long discussing it. Don't let it freak you out. Don't let it confuse you. As a matter of fact, the entire first semester of Con Law is not at all interesting. It's all about the Commerce Clause. Second semester you'll get to talk about things like porn and abortion and gay sex. It's more fun.

4. There are 3 types of law students you don't want to be, so DON'T BE THEM:

- Do NOT be the guy (or girl) who raises his hand all the time asking ridiculous hypotheticals, answering every question, and generally making his presence in the class WAY too well known. That's what we call a gunner. Professors hate you. Students hate you and talk about you behind your back. It will get to a point that every time you raise your hand you will hear people audibly groan around you. Do NOT be this person. Make fun of this person.

- Do NOT be the girl who dresses like a skank every day. I'm not saying you need to wear a cubs t-shirt with your sweats from undergrad, but if you wear high heels, tons of makeup, halter tops and short skirts every day, other women who go to law school with you will make fun of you. Save your nightclub clothes for the nightclub.

- Don't be the person who never reads or shows up for class, and then begs her friends for their notes or outlines at the end of the semester. Your friends will give them to you, but they will resent you and talk about what a slacker you are behind your back. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of outlines given to me by friends, but only because I have given out a lot of outlines as well. It's gotta be reciprocal. And really, your first year you should really be doing your own, anyway.

5. If you are planning on carrying a backpack with wheels, know that everyone who isn't carrying a backpack with wheels finds you annoying. That doesn't mean don't have one. It just means try to keep the fucking thing out of the way of others.

6. Don't have sex with your professors. Actually, that's stupid. Have sex with them if you want. Just don't tell your friends about it, because they WILL talk. It's just too good gossip to be contained. FYI, I did not have sex with any of my professors.

7. Take Business Organizations. Take Secured Transactions. I didn't. When it came time to study for the bar, I REALLY regretted it.

8. If your parents are paying for law school, or you are on a scholarship, or are in any other way NOT going to be saddled with enormous loan debt, keep that little bit of information to yourself. When everyone around you is commiserating about how much debt they have, just nod your head like you're as fucked as they are. If you do not do this, you will be resented openly.

9. On the other hand, if you had to take out loans to pay for law school, SHUT UP ABOUT IT. You're no different than the rest of us. We're all going to be paying back our loans forever, and no one's thrilled about it, but bitching about it non-stop is getting you nowhere.

10. Be in one student organization. Don't be in ten.

11. Don't depend on your Career Services Office to get you a job. They can actually be a barrier to employment.

12. Don't let the competition of law school turn you into an asshole or a liar. You need friends when you graduate. You need friends when you take the bar. You need friends when you're a lawyer.

13. Be excited. Every fucking day, you are going to feel smarter. You're going to learn a new language. In about 6 months you're going to have a conversation with someone about the law, and you're going to take a second and be shocked when you realize that you understood everything that you just said. Enjoy that moment. But don't tell anyone you had it. They'll act like they don't understand.

Good luck. Have fun. Don't be a douchebag.



Friday, August 17, 2007

Myspace Message

This arrived in my myspace inbox this morning:

"hi grace

You are a Goddess and I’m hoping you would be willing to help me on this very unique fun opportunity :) Please let me know what you think. This will sound wild, but I am for real. I hope to hear from you either way.

My name is Mark from the near north suburb of Chicago in Des Plaines. I am seeking ladies ages 18-65, who would love the chance to literally step all over a guy for fun, maybe vent some frustrations, or even for some extra easy cash. If we can do a few pics for my Myspace and webpage “ChitownTrample”, if not, that’s fine.

No sex or nudity involved. We will both be dressed.. If cash would be an incentive,

I pay $70 for you to walk stand dance jump stomp on me from stomach on up
I pay $30 to have me smell/kiss your tired feet and lick your shoes clean, so $100.00
or more depending on how open minded you are to put a man in his place.. All for just one hour of your time.: ) Yes, someone would pay you to walk on him and smell your feet and lick your shoes!!!

Interested? Want to know more? Not for you? Please write me back.
My profile goes more in detail with my pics, videos, and faq section to answer questions you might have.

I RESPECT SAFETY. I know meeting people is risky. If you want to bring friends or whatever you would like to make you more comfortable, I am totally fine with.
Thanks for taking the time to read my message. :)

Mark The Carpetman"

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Conversations With Exes

Ex #1: I know this doesn't sound very nice, but ever since we broke up, I've been SO HAPPY! I just feel BLESSED!

Grace: Um. That's awesome. I'm so happy for you. You...deserve it.

Ex #1: So what's going on with you? Are you dating? There must be SOMEthing exciting going on in your life.

Grace: Well, a generic version of Ambien just hit the market. And um... my new fish Beth hasn't died.

Ex #1: We need to find someone for you. I'm going to set you up with someone.

Grace: Well, you better tell them I'm taking Alli, that FDA approved weight loss drug.

Ex #1: You shouldn't take that. You don't need to lose weight. Besides that shit gives you oily gas.

Grace: Precisely why it needs to be disclosed.

Ex #1 Maybe you're not ready to be fixed up.

Ex #2: Happy Anniversary!

Grace: Thanks, Sweetie. But I think once you're married to someone else, we're supposed to stop celebrating our anniversary. It might bother your wife.


I'm sitting at lunch this afternoon with the lovely and charming Kori Amsterdam at an outside cafe when all of a sudden our voices are drowned out by the deafening noise of lots and lots of low flying planes.

It's fucking BACK. The mother fucking air show is back. I HATE THE FUCKING AIRSHOW. I am filled with a rage that I usually reserve for genocide, pedophiles and leather pants on guys. I cannot even articulate why I hate the airshow as much as I do, but somehow I managed to blog about it last year, so I'll just repost that. Here ya go:



Here's a list of why I hate the airshow and these are in no particular order:

1. Inevitably, I have forgotten that the airshow is going to happen, because it's so fucking dumb. Therefore, I'll be driving down Lake Shore Drive, thinking it's a lovely normal day, and all of a sudden, there is a deafening noise and 6 fighter planes flying in formation TOWARDS THE CENTER OF DOWNTOWN FUCKING CHICAGO. As a fairly skiddish person anyway, my first thought is naturally, "Oh my God. It's 9-11 all over again. Someone is attacking Chicago. The city is under fire. We're all going to die." And it's the most horrifying feeling in the world. So, fuck you, Airshow for making me so scared.

2. It's supposed to be for people who love planes, right? Who REALLY love planes, right? We're talking about people who would have a picture of a plane airbrushed on the back of their denim jacket, right? Well, then what the fuck are they doing on the ground watching? Get IN the plane, Loser! Go learn to fly! Go build a plane. Don't just watch. I feel the same way about people who love horses, but you people are WORSE than horse people. At least horse people RIDE HORSES! Yes, Airshow... you suck more than the rodeo.

3. Does anyone know how much money it costs to GAS these planes? Fucking retarded.

4. Most of these planes were designed to be fighter planes. Doesn't it seem a little, ummm TACKY? We're fucking AT war right now, Stupid Airshow!!! All you're exhibiting is what millions of people in the Middle East hear and see and live (or die) everyday. And you glorify it, and beautify it. Haven't we seen enough of this sort of douchebaggery, Airshow War Glorifier?

5. If you insist on having your stupid little airshow, go do it inside somewhere. Or away from the city. You are FORCING me to watch it, and hear it and experience it. And I don't want to!!! Fuck you, Airshow Jerkoff.

I'm sure I'll think of some more, but in the meantime, since you are ruining my last weekend before law school starts*, I'm going to pray like I've never prayed before for a big huge thunderstorm that lasts the entire weekend so your little plane party gets rained out. Jackass.

*Now it's the last weekend before my new job starts. Oh, Airshow... in case you missed it, FUCK YOU.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Law & Order: Law With Grace

"In the Criminal Justice System the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The police who investigate crime and the State's Attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories:"

Grace: This evening, I got my head caught in the closet door.

gung gung

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Post Bar Vacation

There's really no way to fully explain the 8 days I spent in Florida with 4 other women who had just taken the Illinois bar exam, but I'll try.

The first day, we all sat in a circle, and took turns discussing the essay portion of the bar exam. We compared answers, and then looked up what the best answers would be in the barbri books we all brought with us. Then we did Pilates. Yum!

The second day, we did the same thing except this time with the MBE, and then just for fun, we took a practice test, and it felt so good! Then we all pitched in and made a big salad, and did yoga watching the sun go down.

The rest of the time was spent discussing our goals in the legal profession and trying to come up with strategies for success in the workplace. We also did a bit of quilting.

OK. None of that happened.

We spent 8 days eating, sleeping, hanging out on the beach or by the pool, and watching Bridezillas and Top Chef. And of course drinking our faces off.

Cast of Characters-

Kori Amsterdam
Mitzi Beaverlick
Roxi Poughkeepsie
Holli Seattle
Lilly Valencia

What we drank-

6 3L jugs of wine
4 bottles of vodka
10 bottles of champagne
66 beers
14 regular bottles of wine

*What we said- (no one needs to know which bit of filthiness came out which filthy mouth. Suffice it to say we are all represented below.)

"Pounding booze and hating children are my two favorite things in the world."

"Let's put our 5 JD's together and come up with a damn drinking game!"

"I've never had a one night stand. I mean, I've blown and ran..."

"I just had a #12 Waterfall Special come out of my ass!"

"We're a five woman frat house."

"Cocktails are good for breakfast."

"My mouth tastes like a hot garbage party."

"I'm the black belt of jackassery"

"You're disgruntled." "I AM disdrunkled."

"Everyone wins when you suck on balls!"

We fell in love with two very special women. Monica and Maria. They were on Bridezillas. Here are some things they said. I feel like they were on vacation with us.

"Does anyone have roofies for the children?"

"Are you inbred or is being retarded something you learned over time?"

"And then we're off- like panties in the night."

"I love you with every fart in my body."

Monica and Maria- if you are reading this. Please. Come be our friends. You'll like us.

I'd like to end this post with a little story written by Ms. Mitzi Beaverlick.

"The air was hot and heavy, just like our panting breaths. The candlelight flickered across our sweaty brows. Roxi took a chance and rolled the dice, pausing momentarily to let out the belch of all belches. "Social!" she called out as we raised our respective cans of yumminess. And then as all 5 of us swooped in to taste the sweet nectar of the gods, we realized, though unphased that we ferociously missed everyone's cans, although we were only sitting inches apart. But it was cool, because we just wanted that sweet widemouth on our luscious lips."

I really hope everyone who took the bar is recovering well, and on behalf of Mitzi, Kori, Lilly, Roxi, and myself I'd like to apologize to the state of Florida for drinking all their alcohol.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Meet Beth:

She's elusive. She's a little camera shy. She's sort of a bitch. I think we're going to make a great team.

She's my I Fucking Hate Shopping For Patio Furniture Fish. ("IFHSFPFF").

Please don't die, Beth.

The Bar is Over, but the Nightmares are Still Here

Ok. Hearing people talk about their dreams is boring, and this will probably be the only time I do it, so let's let it slide. Or just stop reading. I'll be posting about my super kick ass vacation soon anyway.

Since I took the bar exam, I am having the craziest nightmares about the fucking exam. You'd think that once I took the freakin thing, it would be over, but apparently not. Here are some examples:

1. I accidentally break off the seal to the test booklet before I'm told to and then run out of the room trying desperately to find a place to hide the broken seal. There's a proctors voice over some sort of intercom system calling my name and saying "Grace, we know what you've done. Just come back. We will only hurt you if we have to!"

2. In the dream, I only brought on pen to the exam. Naturally, it doesn't work. And no one will give me another.

3. For some reason, I brought my cell phone into the bar exam, and left it on. I got so freaked out once I realized that it was on and could ring at any moment that I couldn't concentrate on the test. And I knew if it rang, I would automatically fail, but if I went to the front of the room and retrieved the cell phone to turn it off, I would also automatically fail. Naturally, since this was a dream, the next thing I did was start screaming. Then Lilly Valencia showed up and told me that the proctors agreed I wouldnt fail so long as I let them confiscate my bag, take the pearls my mother gave me for graduation and keep my dog quarantined for a year. I agreed until I saw them leading my dog out of the testing room, at which point I woke up soaked in sweat.

4. My father and my estranged older brother show up in the testing room, drunk, demanding to speak to me. My brother angrily challenges me to a fistfight while my father looks on laughing. i agree to the fight. My brother hits me so hard I fall onto the floor, and my dad laughs and said "Well, honey, you're the one who wanted to be a lawyer!"

5. And the one I woke up from just about an hour ago involved the testing room flooding. and the water level getting higher and higher, and no one, including me is paying any attention. We're all just working on the MBE. I finally finish the test and throw it to a higher place where it won't get wet, but then I trip over something and sink under the water. Right before i think I'm about to die, I wake up.

So... ummm... is it just me, or is this happening to other bar exam takers?

Monday, August 06, 2007

RIP Sandi

Please disregard the previous post, as Sandi is no longer with us.

What the fuck??!?????

I'll miss you, Sandi, it was a great 20 hours.

Meet Sandi:

She's my New Condo Fish ("NCF"). Let's hope she lasts a little longer than Nancy, the New Job Fish ("NJF")

And yes, that's Sandi with an "I", and if Sandi could operate a pen, she would sign her name with a heart above the "I".

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Back from Vacation

So much to say, yet still working on relearning the English language. Until later, please enjoy the gift the Wayward Esquire left in my email yesterday morning.