Monday, November 05, 2007

Dear My Dead Junkie,

I'm sorry to refer to you like that in the title of a post. It sounds like I'm almost trying to make a joke. I'm not. I just can't call you by your name, and I can't call you by a fake name, because that seems like something you'd hate.

You died a year ago today. You were found face down on a bed. Of a heroin overdose. with some other junkie dude.

No one will ever ever ever replace you in my heart. My life will never be the same.

Your mom sent an email, trying to remind those who love you to remember you for your strength, your humor, your kindness and your love. I am trying. But I can't help but sense what the world is missing without your presence in it.

We'd known each other for such a long time, yet kind of a short time. And I remember a long time ago, this one moment. i don't know what you said, or what was going on, but I felt like doing or saying something cynical. Because that's who I am... A cynical bitch. But then. I looked at you and I stopped myself. And I promised myself that I would never ever be cynical with you. I would start believing in happy endings. And, with you. I never was cynical again. Until then...

Ironic. Because as it turns out, people like you are the very reason cynicism exists.

But nonetheless, today I just cry for you. and i feel sorry for the whole world. that they don't get to have you anymore. but, selfishly, I'm saddest for me.

I miss you. So much.

Love Eternally,



Anonymous said...

Oh, people, don't read this, and not comment. "But Grace, we didn't know what to say to you. And sorry seems so fucking pathetic."

There is very real pain here, and she needs all the love her friends are able to muster.

I'm sorry, Grace. I know it sounds fucking pathetic, and it is. I wish I could go back with a time machine, and give you a flat tire, so that you didn't meet your Dead Junkie Friend. And then you wouldn't be sad today.

But since I don't have that time machine, I'll just say, I'm sorry that you're sad. It means that you're alive.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

awwwwwwwwwwww, grace. i read your blog often, but haven't commented yet. i am really sorry for your loss, and i hope you can find something to smile about today, in spite of the pain. and, hey- now you know you have an anonymous secret admirer! :)

Jane Know said...

i didn't comment when i first read this because i didn't know whether or not grace was serious.

then, when i stepped away from my computer, i realized that she was. then i thought of telling you about some interesting research and developments at UIC regarding IV drug users that i learned about a couple weeks ago. then i realized that would be lame.

i'm sorry for your loss. i get it now.

Grace said...

Thanks Jane. I love you! And thanks to the nice anonymous posters.

And to the asshole anonymous poster whose comments obviously got deleted: 1. read the post, asshole. he didn't die of AIDS, he died of a heroin overdose. 2. What kind of person writes shit like that? What's fucking wrong with you?

vieve said...

Yeah, to the anonymous poster from yesterday who wrote horrible things.

Where is your human decency?

Don't ever try to post to this site again.

Fannie said...

Sorry grace :-(

I remember when this happened a year ago.

ps- you know you are threatening to someone* when they cyber-stalk you with anonymous cowardly comments. Congrats!

*Someone = Chubby, cheeto-fingered losers living in their mamas' basements.

ols said...

I'm sorry for your pain and sadness, Grace.o

Daisy Duke said...

Special delivery coming tomorrow..... hugs.

Anonymous said...

i know how that feels... and im sorry it happened to you =[

Harmless Error said...

Hugs from New York too.