Sunday, December 30, 2007

My thoughts on Polygamy

I think about polygamy a lot when I'm ironing.

It doesn't sound so bad. I mean, it needs to be changed up a bit. the whole religion part of it isn't going to fly. And the fact that the "sister-wives" don't um... have... their own fun as a group is a bit preposterous. And clearly the no drinking thing would have to go.

But other than that? It's a pretty ok deal. I could have a sister-wife do the ironing.

I could have another sister-wife get my oil changed. And another one could stand around and tell me jokes.

It all seems quite delightful.

However, I'm concerned that I don't have anything to bring to my polygamist family. I have a LOT of student loan debt. I have a wonderful job, but I can't even pay for my own mani/pedis let alone all my sister wives.

I think I need to stop ironing. I'm just going to send my shirts to the cleaners.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

The Nicest Christmas Hater Ever

I sat on the bus, reading my book. I was dressed how I dress nearly everyday: black skirt suit, black heels, black overcoat, pearls. Nothing that reveals much about my personality.

Two girls get on the bus. They're sort of dressed... well...let's just say I might be able to hazard a guess as to their sexual orientation. And I can also tell they are probably a couple. The older of the two looks familiar, but I can't put my finger on it. Anyway, the younger one kisses the older one, and I, realizing that I was sort of staring, quickly went back to reading my book. The thought crosses my mind that I sort of wish I had a girl to ride the the bus with and kiss. I also thought about how nice it was that I live in a place where it's not weird for girls to kiss girls on buses.

The young one saw me looking at them and looking away.

"Uh... No need to STARE, honey. We'll pose for a picture if you're so fascinated!"

Is she talking to me? Haha. She is. Oops. Well, I was sort of staring, and my super conservative black skirt suit and pearls doesn't exactly do much to help. I look like I could be BFF's with Ann Coulter right now. Oh well.

"Yeah. We're LEEEEEHHHHZZZBIANS. We're so SCARY, aren't we, honey?"

The older one just sort of kept quiet, supporting her girlfriend by doing that half laugh thing that people do when they need to show solidarity with their partner who's being an ass.

Ooooooh. I just figured out how I knew the older one!!!

"Honey, you are, like, IN Lesbianville! Don't worry, we won't attack you. Don't be scared."

Jesus. I reach into my briefcase, and fumble around for my wallet. I'm looking for a little piece of paper. I really am hoping I didn't throw it away. Ugh. I bet I did.

"Oh, Blondie, we're passing a church! Maybe you want to get out and pray for our souls!"

OH what a bitch. The older one is now trying a little harder to quiet down her girlfriend. She got a better look at me. She's trying to figure out how she knows me. I'm still looking for the piece of paper.

"Honey, can I go down on you right here on the bus? It would be worth it to see the look on her face."

I found it. I have it in my hand. Fuck her. Oh this is going to be so good. The older one is just beginning to figure it out. I can see the wheels sort of turning in her head. She's trying to remember how drunk she was at that bar a few weeks ago. She has a vague memory of grabbing a blonde girls ass and giving the girl her phone number on the back of an ATM receipt. All of a sudden she knows what I'm holding in my hand.

It's my stop. I get up, and walk towards the exit. Right before I get off, I am going to hand the phone number to the loud young one, and say... well.. I don't know. Something clever. With every step closer, the older one looks more and more terrified. I am smiling ear to ear. I have the piece of paper in my hand. I am so ready to go.

And then, I don't know what happened. I felt really sorry for the older one. If I handed her girlfriend the piece of paper, I would ruin her Christmas. And I didn't want to do that. So, I just got off the bus, and threw the number in the garbage can.

The moral of the story? I do SO have holiday spirit.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Dear 72.94.142 from Allentown, PA,

Hey there!!! You're one of the anonymous lurkers who leaves threatening/insulting/creepy messages on my blog. I'm sure you're not the only one, but you're one of the best!!!! Yay, you!

But wait. It's not just me, is it? No.

It's her. And her. And her. And her. And her. And her. And her. And her. And her. And her. And her.

And tons of others. You're a very busy little guy, aren't you? Now, of course I don't give you credit for ALL of the disgusting and threatening comments made on blogs, but you are definitely doing your fair share.

Because you read my blog EVERY DAY, I'm certain you know that I personally know many of the female lawyers who you also harass and threaten. Well, on occasion, the subject of the anonymous person who wishes to "take a dump on my chest to 'fiz' my problems" among other things, comes up over drinks.

There are two things we always agree on:

1. We don't understand why someone who is clearly as stupid as you are would ever be interested in the lives of female attorneys, which, as you know, most of us are.

2. You REALLY need attention.

Well, I don't think we'll ever know the answer to #1, unless I address issue #2, and give you some attention. In the spirit of enlightenment, I present you with an invitation:

72.94.142 from Allentown, PA-


When: This is an open invitation. Whenever you get up the courage.

Where: Here. Duh. Just email me your post at I won't change a single word of it.

What: Anything you want to write about. girls, lawyers, high school, dungeons and dragons, work, whatever you want.

Rules: Very simple...

1. No linking to outside websites.

2. No revealing real identities of bloggers that you might happen to know.

3. You must answer this simple question: What is it about our blogs that compels you to leave the comments that you leave?

So there you go. you have your forum. Let's see what you can come up with.

Warmest Regards,


PS. If you choose to decline my invitation, consider this a formal request to stay the fuck off my blog, and to get a fucking life.

PPS. This offer is open to any other anonymous commenters. All you have to do is email me and take credit for one of the harassing comments on one of the aforementioned blogs, and we're in business.

PPPS. Lest you think I'm an idiot, please know that I am not holding my breath. You are much too big of a coward to take me up on my invitation.

Monday, December 10, 2007

My Night

New Lingerie: $88

Taking a Cab from the El Station to ensure I wouldn't be late: $6.00

Bottle of Wine Back at My Place: $18.00

Whimsically Offering to Pay Half the Dinner Bill: $34.00


Listening to My Ex Talk about the the NEW Ex?: Priceless.

Wait... Let me do the math again....

Actually, that comes to, like $148.00

Saturday, December 01, 2007

The Dog and Me- A Dialogue Part III

Me: You KNOW how hard I am trying to keep a positive attitude about the holiday season. You know I'm tired of being called a grinch. Why in the world would you break my brand new Santa candy dish and eat all the M&M's? Why? Why? Why?

Dog: Because people who talk to dogs deserve to have their Santa candy dishes broken, you dumb whore.

Me: Chocolate is poison for dogs. Poison, I say!

Dog: So I could die? So maybe this will be the last day I ever have to spend with your sorry ass? There's no way I would have such stellar luck. Unfortunately, I'll be just fine, Loser.

Me: What's with the attitude? You used to be such a good sweet dog. Lots of cute looks and kisses...

Dog: How many times do I have to tell you? Those aren't kisses. I'm trying to wipe the taste of my own genitals off my tongue. You think that's a kiss? Who have you been hanging out with, Skank?

Me: Ok. You make a good point. But seriously. Why did you eat all the chocolate? You know it just means I'll be up all night cleaning up diarrhea.

Dog: Again, you're talking to me like this is something I give a fuck about. I'm not gonna clean it up. Your ugly ass is.

Me: I'm not ugly.

Dog: Yes you are.

Me: No I'm not.

Dog: Yes you are.

Me: Fine. I am. If calling me ugly makes you feel better, then fine. I'm ugly.

Dog: Fine. Glad we finally agree on something. Now put the leash on me, bitch. I'm about to have the runs.

Me: Ok. thanks for the notice.

Dog: Shut up.