Saturday, December 01, 2007

The Dog and Me- A Dialogue Part III


Me: You KNOW how hard I am trying to keep a positive attitude about the holiday season. You know I'm tired of being called a grinch. Why in the world would you break my brand new Santa candy dish and eat all the M&M's? Why? Why? Why?

Dog: Because people who talk to dogs deserve to have their Santa candy dishes broken, you dumb whore.

Me: Chocolate is poison for dogs. Poison, I say!

Dog: So I could die? So maybe this will be the last day I ever have to spend with your sorry ass? There's no way I would have such stellar luck. Unfortunately, I'll be just fine, Loser.

Me: What's with the attitude? You used to be such a good sweet dog. Lots of cute looks and kisses...

Dog: How many times do I have to tell you? Those aren't kisses. I'm trying to wipe the taste of my own genitals off my tongue. You think that's a kiss? Who have you been hanging out with, Skank?

Me: Ok. You make a good point. But seriously. Why did you eat all the chocolate? You know it just means I'll be up all night cleaning up diarrhea.

Dog: Again, you're talking to me like this is something I give a fuck about. I'm not gonna clean it up. Your ugly ass is.

Me: I'm not ugly.

Dog: Yes you are.

Me: No I'm not.

Dog: Yes you are.

Me: Fine. I am. If calling me ugly makes you feel better, then fine. I'm ugly.

Dog: Fine. Glad we finally agree on something. Now put the leash on me, bitch. I'm about to have the runs.

Me: Ok. thanks for the notice.

Dog: Shut up.

9 comments:

Harmless Error said...

oh god! is she (he?) really ok?

Grace said...

She's fine, Harmless. Thank you! Apparently, some dogs can handle chocolate better than others.

anonymoushottie said...

It is perfectly acceptable to not like the holidays. I do not. And I am awesome. So, yes. My original point stands.

Murphy's revenge on me for going out and drinking delicious martinis all night was to wake me up by vomiting on my carpet. Oh, and now his ass smells like fish, something I call "fishbutt." Our dogs rule.

Elle Woods said...

I bet she is entering her "teenage" years. My dog is, and he is driving me insane. I just have to keep telling myself he'll be a really awesome dog if I make it though the next year.

As for your dog anonymoushottie, it sounds like it might need it's anal glands cleaned. Find a good groomer before they rupture and you have a stinky, smelly mess and a huge vet bill.

eddie said...

Why does chocolate poison dogs here, but does nothing to dogs in the UK? I blame nasty Hershey's.

Anonymous said...

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Jane Know said...

your dog has such sass. i had no idea the REAL reason she licks people!

Justice Moustache said...

If it's trying to remove the taste of genitals, how do you explain when the dog licks you on your genitals?

This does happen to you guys too, right...

Grace said...

Dear Justice Moustache-

Ew.

Sincerely,

Grace's Dog