Sunday, December 30, 2007

My thoughts on Polygamy

I think about polygamy a lot when I'm ironing.

It doesn't sound so bad. I mean, it needs to be changed up a bit. the whole religion part of it isn't going to fly. And the fact that the "sister-wives" don't um... have... their own fun as a group is a bit preposterous. And clearly the no drinking thing would have to go.

But other than that? It's a pretty ok deal. I could have a sister-wife do the ironing.

I could have another sister-wife get my oil changed. And another one could stand around and tell me jokes.

It all seems quite delightful.

However, I'm concerned that I don't have anything to bring to my polygamist family. I have a LOT of student loan debt. I have a wonderful job, but I can't even pay for my own mani/pedis let alone all my sister wives.

I think I need to stop ironing. I'm just going to send my shirts to the cleaners.


David A said...

This is a perfect thought with which to leave 2007!!

"Listen, sister-wife, you have to understand. I won't call you, but I will text you ... and a lot. I have a brother that, well, shall we say, I HATE, and I trust, you will too. I have a REAL sister that named her dog after me. That pretty much says it all about that."

JJ said...

A sister-wife could iron for you. Don't write the whole thing off just yet.

Army Girl said...

I'm not really concerned about what you have to "bring" to the polygamy family. You have pretty long list of positive qualities. Money is really a very minor consideration. Now that I think about it, the Army is kind of like polygamy. Maybe you should enlist.

However, I would wonder how you would ever manage 3, 5 or 10 relationship talks with all of these women or men. I noticed you didn't have any brother wives...??

Fannie said...

"I noticed you didn't have any brother wives..."

*ha ha ha*

Here are some additions to your list. You could also use a sister-wife to:

-make you martinis

-walk your dog in the winter

-carry groceries from your car to your house and then park your car

the possibilities are endless

You're right, polygamy does sound delightful!

Jane Know said...

and let's not forget the list of Grace's positive qualities to bring to the sister-wife relationship:

-she has a sweet dog that is always happy and wags its tail a lot.

-she is a lot of fun to sing kelly clarkson with while jumping up and down at a bar

-she has sweet lawyering skills and can offer her sister-wives pro-bono services in exchange for favors.

wait... does that make it not pro-bono anymore? pro-boner?

Shoshana said...

Wait, why can't polygamy mean that you have many husbands and wives yourself? Then they can all do stuff for you, and you don't have to worry about silly things like what you bring to the table. Your table is freaking delicious, well-stocked, and nourishing. If someone needs more, he or she can bring a dish to pass. Enough said.

Happy New Year Grace, and give Katie a big french kiss for me.

This Is Not Ok said...

also, calling/flagging you a cab in the winter. i don't like doing that on my own. it's freakin' cold out there. i'd want my sister-wife to do that...and scoop kitty litter. that sucks too. this actually is a really good idea. move forward with this grace and report back to me.

Grace said...

Alll REALLY good ideas, everyone!

David- I wouldnt say I text ALOT. Definitely more than I call.

JJ- Um... Are you volunteering to be the first sister wife? Or would you-have to be a umm.... brother husband? Which sounds WAY grosser than sister-wife.

Fannie- How many anti SSM'ers would be yelling "Slippery Slope! Slippery Slope!" right now? That is, if they read this blog, which I'm pretty sure they don't because I make baby jesus cry.

Jane- Awww... you'd be the best sister wife EVER!

Shoshana- Aww!!! You too!! You just outed my dog, though. Ok, everyone who doesn't know, my dog's real name is Katey. Love you Shoshana.

TINOK- This from the girl who wants to take a cab 3 blocks? Ok. Maybe hailing a cab is ONE thing I can bring to the polygamy table. But kittly litter? You are SO on your own there.

Everyone- I'm not being productive today.

Grace said...

Oh, and Army girl? I am NOT enlisting!!! Stop trying to get me in camouflage!!!

Army Girl said...

If you're scared just say so Grace...Who's a pussy? he he

This Is Not Ok said...

In person you are all to call me TINO now. It's a sweet mob name! Thanks to Opine for coming up with it.

ok. i'll do the kitty litter. you hail the cabs and give the massages. you can't massage yourself for cry eye!

This Is Not Ok said...

i'm bored. write a blog.

Anonymous said...

That's trouble with marriage is that the rules are made for us. Community property, community debt. Custody rights, etc etc. There ought to be a legal alternative to marriage, something contracts-based. Everyone will be happier that way.

David A said...

Grace, I think that this whole sister wife idea would make for a wonderful Saturday Night Live sketch. Certainly something better than the drek that is presently on SNL. There could be the pious sister wives, and the Grace sister wife, who is less-than pious, but certainly more fun. And SNL could detail their episodes together, or dealing with the world. Going for an oil change, having their nails done, going to court.