Sunday, December 23, 2007

The Nicest Christmas Hater Ever

I sat on the bus, reading my book. I was dressed how I dress nearly everyday: black skirt suit, black heels, black overcoat, pearls. Nothing that reveals much about my personality.

Two girls get on the bus. They're sort of dressed... well...let's just say I might be able to hazard a guess as to their sexual orientation. And I can also tell they are probably a couple. The older of the two looks familiar, but I can't put my finger on it. Anyway, the younger one kisses the older one, and I, realizing that I was sort of staring, quickly went back to reading my book. The thought crosses my mind that I sort of wish I had a girl to ride the the bus with and kiss. I also thought about how nice it was that I live in a place where it's not weird for girls to kiss girls on buses.

The young one saw me looking at them and looking away.

"Uh... No need to STARE, honey. We'll pose for a picture if you're so fascinated!"

Is she talking to me? Haha. She is. Oops. Well, I was sort of staring, and my super conservative black skirt suit and pearls doesn't exactly do much to help. I look like I could be BFF's with Ann Coulter right now. Oh well.

"Yeah. We're LEEEEEHHHHZZZBIANS. We're so SCARY, aren't we, honey?"

The older one just sort of kept quiet, supporting her girlfriend by doing that half laugh thing that people do when they need to show solidarity with their partner who's being an ass.

Ooooooh. I just figured out how I knew the older one!!!

"Honey, you are, like, IN Lesbianville! Don't worry, we won't attack you. Don't be scared."

Jesus. I reach into my briefcase, and fumble around for my wallet. I'm looking for a little piece of paper. I really am hoping I didn't throw it away. Ugh. I bet I did.

"Oh, Blondie, we're passing a church! Maybe you want to get out and pray for our souls!"

OH what a bitch. The older one is now trying a little harder to quiet down her girlfriend. She got a better look at me. She's trying to figure out how she knows me. I'm still looking for the piece of paper.

"Honey, can I go down on you right here on the bus? It would be worth it to see the look on her face."

I found it. I have it in my hand. Fuck her. Oh this is going to be so good. The older one is just beginning to figure it out. I can see the wheels sort of turning in her head. She's trying to remember how drunk she was at that bar a few weeks ago. She has a vague memory of grabbing a blonde girls ass and giving the girl her phone number on the back of an ATM receipt. All of a sudden she knows what I'm holding in my hand.

It's my stop. I get up, and walk towards the exit. Right before I get off, I am going to hand the phone number to the loud young one, and say... well.. I don't know. Something clever. With every step closer, the older one looks more and more terrified. I am smiling ear to ear. I have the piece of paper in my hand. I am so ready to go.

And then, I don't know what happened. I felt really sorry for the older one. If I handed her girlfriend the piece of paper, I would ruin her Christmas. And I didn't want to do that. So, I just got off the bus, and threw the number in the garbage can.

The moral of the story? I do SO have holiday spirit.


Anonymous said...

aww thats nice. merry Christmas grace!

Jax said...

Too bad her girlfriend's kinda a bitch...but good thing you're not. You get points with Santa...or a Rabbi...or something affiliated with some holiday celebration. Just sayin.

The Namby Pamby said...

Now that's a story. Merry Christmas Grace

toadely said...

Now THAT'S a display of class. However, if you gave her girlfriend the piece of paper you may have saved her from a lifetime of ,,, oh, I dunno. Aggravation?

David A said...

Grace, I know how difficult it can be to be alone during the holiday season. I'm going through that right now, and it took some adjusting to.

But after reading your story, what I'm grateful for -- for you -- is that you never called the telephone number on the piece of paper of the assgrabbing older woman. Because based on your story, it's obvious to me that she is weak. Too weak to say to her younger "friend," "Hey, shut up, and leave her alone."

And because she was too weak to even have that decency, I suspect that IF you had called her, she would have gone out with you -- because you are lovely. And who knows, maybe she would have kissed you.

But because she's weak, she would have kept you a secret from her "friend." Until you got on the bus, and saw them together. And then more than your pride would have been hurt. Your heart would have been broken.

Because that's what weak people do. They break other peoples' hearts.

So, I'm grateful that you were spared that heartbreak.

Merry Christmas, Grace.

Fannie said...

Holiday Spirit Shmoliday Shmirit. Just admit it, you couldn't think of something witty to say.

Just kiddin'

Merry Christmas :-)

LawyerGirl said...

Damn. You are nicer than me. I couldn't have resisted that moment.

Harmless Error said...

You have a great big heart. Way bigger than mine.

Jane Know said...

yeah... i definitely would've thrown the paper to her loud-ass girlfriend as i walked by. and not even said a word. classic.

happy holidays!

Rachel M said...

Fuck that, Grace. Once again, you're a better woman than I. No need to say a single word. That paper would have done all the talking for you. I'd have shoved it down the bitch's throat. Baby steps. Baby steps toward empowerment.

Grace said...

Haha!! Thanks, Everyone.

I just think it's funny that someone would think I'm "scared of lesbians."

What next? I'm frightened of booze?


Oh, and DavidA? That woman would never have gotten a call from me. I don't even call people I like.

David A said...

Oh, you're right, Grace, and I should have remembered that you never would have called her, after reading your October 2007 entry, "Dumped." Another brilliant entry, for those who have yet to savor it.

But you know, the holidays have a funny effect on us all. We pick up the phone, even though we usually don't. We smile at strangers. As Bill Murray said in "Ghostbusters," "Cats and dogs living together!" :-)

Rachel M. said...

" I don't even call people I like." true...but you sure can text! i'll take what i can get, love!

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, what a great story. Silly young immature lesbians on public transportation are just the BEST!

I hope the holidays were good and that all is well in Chicago...would this be an appropriate forum to vocalize my plans to return and visit??

Midwesterner in D.C. said...

Thinking of the value of this grin really made me smile. Sometimes, just having that smile is satisfiction. Way to let it go (although I agree with some others...that would have been a hard one to pass up).
Just found your blog- love it.

Paul Ward said...



You go, grace.