Thank you Wayward Esquire!

Dear Douchebags in this Photo,

I was cleaning out the top shelf of my closet today, and there you were. In this photo. I have no idea who you are or where you came from. I think maybe one of you lived in my apartment before me? I turned over the photo and read the message on the back. It said:

"I think you have the biggest handful. (And you seem to be enjoying it the most)"

So I reexamined the photo. And I think the writer is talking about the dude on the right.

ANYWAY. Here's what I'm thinking. From the pose, I'm guessing you were law school students in the mid to late 90's. Am I right? Did you pass the bar? Because if the Crotchy Douchebag Trio can pass, I feel a lot better about my chances.

All the Best,

Grace

PS I'm sure all the men are grateful for the lessons you provided in fake crotch grabbing, that in order to make your package look bigger, don't act like your grabbing with a closed fist (like you in the middle). Rather pretend your hand is inside a baseball mit and spread your fingers apart to create the appearance of a bigger shlong (like you on the right).

Questions

I don't know if it's because people are googling "bar exam" and "set yourself on fire" more than normal, but people keep on emailing me kinda weird questions. So here are some examples, with the answers:

1. Is your name Megan and you go to DePaul? No. But I know several Megans. I'm just not one of them.

2. Is this the girl who sat next to me in Tax? No. I never took tax. Or Commercial Paper. Or Secured Transactions. Or Sales. FUCK YOU. Like I need you judging me.

3. Are you really a girl? Yes

4. Are you hot? I'm ok. But I did kick myself out of bed one time, and it wasn't to fuck myself on the floor.

5. What law school do you go to? I don't know.

6. How are you studying for the bar? Well, tonight I got drunk with Lilly and Kori. I sent drinks to good looking strangers. They sent some back to us.

7. Do you really know The Namby Pamby? What's he really like? Seriously? You emailed me to ask me that? I'm NAME DROPPING Namby Pamby? Yes. I really know him. He's funny. We had a witch hunt planned that he dropped the ball on, though, so fuck him. But besides that, he's good. I think he's easy, too. And straight. I think. Tall-ish. He smells clean. What a weird question. Dude. I don't know how to answer it.

8. Why do you swear so much? Is it too obvious if I say go fuck yourself?

Happy Pride

I spent MY gay day with Conviser. I know. How gay. And not in the good way.

Barbri Person Who Deserves a Bitch Slap #2*

"Oh my GOD. I am such a LOSER. Today, all I did was outline the rest of Civil Procedure, 200 practice MBE questions, 6 essay questions, listened to only 10 of the Property CD's. I am TOTALLY going to fail the bar. I REALLY wanted to get ahead and go over topics we haven't covered in BARBRI yet, but now I don't think I am going to if I want to get to the gym. I am the laziest person on the planet."

yeah. please stab yourself in the neck immediately and save your future co-workers the trouble.


*The loud eater was obviously #1

The Dog and Me- A Dialogue

Me: Umm. Why do you think it's ok to go into the refrigerator and eat a whole raw filet mignon?

Dog: Umm. Why do you think it's ok to leave the fridge door open for half the night?

Me: I was really looking forward to that steak.

Dog: Too bad Skank, you should've thought of that before you skipped out on the dog park yesterday.

Me: I have to fucking study for the bar. I'm trying to make a better life for you.

Dog: Then why don't you set yourself on fire, Bitch?

Me: You're the BITCH.

Dog: Great comeback, Loser... being a female dog, I didn't see THAT one coming from a mile away.

Me: You should be a little nicer to me. I saved your life yesterday.

Dog: Oh you mean when you hit that car with your bottle of grape Vitamin Water? Yeah, you're the best. So smart. Definitely gonna pass the bar with that huge brain.

Me: I could do without your sarcasm you little inbred piece of shit.

Dog: Quit your whining, go buy a new fucking steak, and go back to studying. You fucking annoy me.

Me: I don't have time to buy a steak. And it doesn't matter anyway. I'm going to a fancy shmancy black tie thing tonight, and they have dinner there.

Dog: Try not to look like a whore.

Me: I'm NOT going to look like a whore. I'm going to look great.

Dog: Oh, are flabby, untoned arms in this season? I had no idea. In that case, you WILL look great.

Me: This conversation is over. You're an asshole.

Dog: One last thing, Tramp: if you get all drunk and bring someone home tonight, you can GUARANTEE I will shit on the kitchen floor.

How I Pee in Public Bathrooms:

1. I open the stall door.
2. I check to make sure there's nothing gross in the toilet or on the floor.
3. I close the door.
4. I lock the door. It's usually 1 of only 3 different kinds of locks. I've rarely been tripped up by some new fangled locking mechanism.
5. I unzip my pants, or lift up my skirt.
6. If I'm wearing underwear, I push them down to about knee-length.
7. Depending on the cleanliness of the bathroom, I either sit down, or squat over the toliet. I rarely do the whole cover the whole seat in toilet paper thing. I don't think it does a lot of good. Having said that, I have done it before.
8. I gently push.
9. Pee comes out.
10. While I'm peeing, I grab some toilet paper from the dispenser.
11. I finishing peeing. I give a little push to make sure I'm done.
12. I wait a couple of seconds in case there's a drip.
13. I wipe, sometimes back to front,sometimes front to back about 6-8 times.
14. I throw the toilet paper in the toilet.
15. I stand up.
16. I flush the toilet.
17. I pull my underwear up, if I'm wearing it.
18. I pull my jeans up.
19. I zip them.
20. I button them.
21. I unlock the door.
22. I step out of the stall, and head to the sink.

Am I missing something? Isn't this how everyone does it? It is, isn't it? Well then what the FUCK is taking the rest of you bitches so GODDAMN long?

Yep. That's a dude.

Poor Kori had to follow this dude all the way home from Bar Bri. The red thong says it all. What exactly it's saying is not clear. But there is definitely nothing left to say.

Loud BARBRI Eater

Yeah, Lady. You're an asshole. First of all, you bugged me before the eating incident by giving me an evil look. Actually it might not have been technically "evil". You may have just been looking at me. Or looking next to me. Whatever. I immediately thought ill of you based on your blouse. FYI- no one wears "blouses" anymore. The very fact that "blouse" is the only word to describe what you're wearing makes me feel not bad about posting your picture.

And then... there was the Jimmy John's carb free sandwich eating during our evidence lecture. What the fuck? Just so you know, RIPPING PAPER SLOWLY ONLY MAKES THE RIPPING SOUND LAST LONGER. IT'S NOT QUIETER. Thanks to you I missed the first 10 minutes of the fucking class.

Congratulations Chicago! Way to Fuck Yourself Over!

So this, coupled with the inevitable terrorist threats and bad fashion choices will make Chicago an AWESOME place to live in 2016.

How to Talk to Someone Studying for the Bar: A Practical Guide

Grace: I am totally going to fail the bar.

Impermissible Answer: Of course you will, with that attitude.

Permissible Answer: You're a rockstar! You are the smartest person on the planet. You're going to kill the bar.
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Grace: I think I smell.

Impermissible Answer: Hmm..Is that you? I wasn't sure.

Permissible Answer: Yeah you smell- like a bucket of fresh cut petunias, Baby.
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Grace: I'm hungry

Impermissible Answer: Go eat something!

Permissible Answer: Here's a plate of nachos. Let me know when the cheese gets hard or the chips get soggy and I'll take them away and bring you a filet.
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Grace: Is it too early to start drinking?

Impermissible Answer: Have you done nine hours of studying yet today?

Permissible Answer: Glug glug glug (sound of wine being poured into coffee mug)
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Grace: I wonder what's on TV.

Impermissible Answer: Probably not America's Next Top Secured Transaction, Loser.

Permissible Answer: I think America's Got Talent starts tonight.
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Grace: I totally don't understand Secured Transactions.

Impermissible Answer: I TOLD you to take more UCC courses! (Dean of the law school spewed out this little gem the other day when I ran into her at lunch)

Permissible Answer: You are going to be totally fine! I will totally help you figure this out.
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Grace: I'm still hungry.

Impermissible Answer: You just ate!

Permissible Answer: I've brought you a selection. A. White Castle, B. Taco Bell, C. Sushi, D. A cobb salad, and E. All of the above.
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Grace: (total silence)

Impermissible Answer: How's the studying?

Permissible Answer: (total silence)