Saturday, September 29, 2007

Tagged- Confessions of a Dork

Started by the lovely and talented Fannie, I've been tagged by the lovely and talented Jane to provide 5 reasons why I'm a dork. Easy enough. The hard part will be stopping at 5.


1. I listen, almost exclusively, to Broadway musicals on my mp3 player. My five current favorites (not like you asked) are Company, Into the Woods, Wicked, Chess, and Merrily We Roll Along.

2. I don't always know (or accept) when it's time to get rid of an article of clothing. I wear things until they are literally falling apart. Army Girl once had to physically separate me from my black pea coat that was "past its prime" When I asked her to promise that she would give it to Good Will, she said "Honey, I think Good Will will beat my ass if I try to give them this coat"

3. Along the same lines, I have HORRIBLY bad taste. The only time I ever look appropriately dressed, it's either because I've had someone help me shop, or it's just been complete luck. That's why I wear a lot of black dress suits with black high heels. It's hard to fuck that up.

4. I can recite at least a few lines from every Shakespeare play from memory.

5. I don't know if this is dorky or just sort of OCD, but when I'm anxious or bored, I try to come up with 5 five letter words using 25 letters of the alphabet. I've been trying to accomplish this feat for 9 years. I don't know if 5 such words exist, but I do it anyway.

Alright, Namby Pamby and Harmless Error- you both are tagged.

PS BONUS DORK thing that I really should confess to: I think hidden camera prank shows like "Punk'd" are ALWAYS HILARIOUS.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Irrational Unfunny Blogpost

I am FUCKING FREAKING OUT. I think I failed the bar. I know I did. I can just feel it. And I'm right about these things. I'm almost always right.

Additionally, I lost my applicant number, so whenever everyone else finds out about the bar online, I'll still have to wait another week- maybe two weeks for the fucking letter to come in the mail. WHY DID I LOSE MY FUCKING APPLICANT NUMBER???

See, here's the thing... I'm actually an incredibly stupid woman, which if you know me well, you already know, but you're polite and treat me like I'm intelligent. But I'm a fucking idiot. You know what else I did? I got new insurance with my new job, and I had to pick a primary care physician. It took me, like 3 weeks to do this. I did google seaarches on every single doctor who worked at one of the nice hospitals in the city. Finally I found one in the BIG FAT BOOK they gave us of doctors to choose from. And I filled out the form, and I gave it to the appropriate person at my office. And then 3 weeks later, I forgot who I chose. And how does a person call up her work person and ask them "Uhh... who did I pick as my primary care physician?" It just makes me look dumb.

I've made reference on this blog to a significant event in my life that has not exactly been the best thing ever. This month. It seems there might be... closure.

Whatever.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Loud Talker on the BROWN line #1


Yes, I am no longer taking the red line. I'm all about the Brown Line now. It's nicer. Cleaner. Quieter. I was actually a little worried that I would never be able to post another loud talker. But I had no reason to fear.

Meet Davis! I don't know if his name is really Davis, but I'm calling him Davis, because Davis is a freelance journalist and i think freelance journalists should have first names that are last names. So meet Davis, the FREELANCE JOURNALIST!

Davis likes to play with his balls a lot when talking with his colleagues on public transportation.

Davis works for a medium size Chicago publication. He's been there for 5 years and had 5 different titles in those 5 years.

Davis doesn't really like the way his boss talks about Laura, who's a "good little journalist"

Laura really should get an entertainment column regularly, and the boss shouldn't tell her what to do so much. She did write for the Wall Street Journal, after all. She's been talking a lot about doing a fashion column, too. (I think Davis wants to get it on with Laura.)

It's not as oppressive as it was in Denver. Denver was tough, Man. Thank god Davis doesn't have to write for financial anymore. Or be in Denver.

Davis thinks magazine headlines have gotten so trite. (Davis has worked as a writer for at least 5 years, and just now is realizing this?)

Again, Davis REALLY enjoys his own testicles.

By the way, Davis is the one on the right.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Maybe Living Above a Liquor Store ISN'T the Best Thing Ever.

Thanks to a fun night out topped off with an ambien, I blissfully slept through the armed robbery that went down 10 feet below me last night.

I'm not happy.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

On a Scale of 1-10,

10 being the most wrong, how wrong is it to cook a steak on your neighbor's grill if he's not home?


And if you clean the grill much better than he does, does that change anything?

PS, I live in a condo, and we share a deck. It's not like I went into a different yard or something...

PPS. It's a gas grill. I don't know if that matters.

Friday, September 14, 2007

What I Learned in Court Today

When presenting an argument, be interesting, or wear a thong. Otherwise, the people who you are boring with your argument will stare at your pantylines the entire time you're talking and wonder why you chose to wear such ill-fitting undergarments.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Why I Suck at Being a Woman Reason #3467623

It's lunchtime. I leave my office (which is FREEZING cold) to go get lunch across the street. I walk past one of the many burly security guards in the lobby of my building. Here's what happened:

Guard: Hey. Get back here!

Grace: (turns around and walks back to the security guard) Yes?

Guard: (taking Grace by the arm) Why are you walkin around all shy like that with your arms folded across you?

Grace: Umm...I'm not shy, I'm just cold. They should turn the air conditioning down a little.

Guard: What floor are you on?

Grace: The X Floor

Guard: Guess I'll have to make a trip up to the X floor to warm you up then, won't I?

Grace: (pulling her arm free with an uncomfortable laugh) Have a good afternoon!

Guard: With legs like that I would APPRECIATE warming you up.

Grace: (uncomfortable laugh again) thanks. (walks away)

LATER (Grace, returning from lunch, walks around the building to avoid having to talk to the security guard.)

I could NOT have handled that worse. Go ahead. Ridicule me. I have it coming.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Comment "Policy"

I don't care so much about personal attacks on me. Say what you want. Call me ugly, stupid, unfunny, immature whatever. I don't really give a fuck. I have a pretty good grasp of where I place on the ugly (not), stupid (a little bit), unfunny (sometimes) and immature (always) scales.

So go ahead attack me on shit like that. Although I would prefer some creativity in your insults. It just makes things more fun for everyone.

Here's what I will delete: creepy, disturbing and repetitive comments that openly state the commenter's wish to see lesbians die.

I guess my "policy" would be this: Don't say things that can be construed as threats. It's a BIG no-no.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

To the "pregnant" woman I gave my seat to on the Brown Line this Morning

I'm sorry. You looked pregnant. I thought I was being nice. Might I suggest a different style of shirt?

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

!!!!!!!!!! THE FREDDY AWARDS !!!!!!!!!!


For those of you who are unaware, there's been a little blog war going on with our friends over at Opine Editorials. It got a little crazy with some posts getting over 200 comments from crazy homophobic nut jobs. Since things have finally seemed to die down, we are now able to present to you for the first time ever, THE FREDDY AWARDS!! Named after the much beloved (by men in white sheets and hoods) Anti-Gay Activist Fred "God Hates Fags" Phelps, the Freddy's are our opportunity to celebrate the dubious achievements of those who strive to fill Phelp's big shoes. So without further ado, Grace, Jane, Fannie, and Rachel present

THE FREDDY AWARDS!!!
-----------
Most Ridiculous Anti-Gay Opinion Presented As Fact: Jose, for his interesting take on the "gays can change" argument:

"Many homosexuals do not choose to be homosexuals any more than adulterers choose to be adulterers or pedophiles choose to be pedophiles. What they can choose is to stop performing as adulterers or pedophiles or homosexuals. Nevertheless, because of being engaged in these perverse practices for many years it is often very difficult to change, so difficult that the pedophile or adulterer might assume that his orientation is innate and immutable."

AND

Marty for this:

"I do have other questions/opinions about homosexuality in general, but they don't so much inform my position on marriage as they fuel my angst against pro-homosex propaganda.

For instance:

If homosexuals are "born that way, and cannot change", then there would be a two things:

1. A test that you could give to an infant to know whether or not they were gay. (Likewise, a test of the remains of a dead person, to know the same)

2. A complete lack of ex-gays.

Another is the simple fact that when a husband and wife visit a fertility clinic in an effort to have children, it is because one or both of them has a medical problem. But when two lesbians visit the same clinic, it's not for any medical problem -- but a social one."
----------
Most Likely To Be Knocking On The Closet Door: Everyone at Opine is a winner here!!!
----------
Most likely to Engage in Bestiality:
Jose, for saying this:

"Kids are tempted into engaging in homosexual practices to test if they like this sexual activity and then labeled as homosexuals if they found pleasure in this sexual activity. Kids, especially boys, can be taught to enjoy all sorts of sexual experiences. There is evidence of how farm boys enjoy having sex even with animals."

Not that he knows.
-----------
Most likely to be a closeted lesbian werewolf:

Renee, for saying this:

"I've been where these ladies are (not a lesbian), but in terms of philosphy. It's fed to us, as the only option in college.

Hey ladies, you know what is ironic. It's full moon out! "
-----------
Most Likely To Be On Anti-Psychotic Medications:

Renee for this little...gem:

"Unlike other relationships, only heterosexual who engage in coitus, have to assume the possibility of another human being being created from the sexual act. So I'm a 'homobigot' is I say... a man's penis is more well endowed then a gorilla three times his size, so he can please a woman with a forward tilted vagina with face to face intercourse?"
---------
Most likely to still-be-in-love-with-his-ex-who-is-now-a-big-dyke:

Marty, based on his comments that its not fair that lezzies discriminate against men because they don't want to have sex with them, marry them, or have anything to do with their little penises.
---------
Comment From Anti-Equality Blogger That Made Us Laugh Out Loud The Most: Jose saying this:

"You can see how homosexualists like Jane Know are so enraged by reason and facts that they cannot understand what we are saying. Their rage produces a mental block."
-----------
Comment From Pro-Equality Blogger That Made Us Laugh Out Loud The Most: Grace with this:

"I'll respond, although this particular thread is starting to feel like the last season of 90210, where all of the lead characters have left the show for bigger and better, and the only ones who have stayed don't have any other decent offers. You, Christian, are the Ian Ziering of intellectual debate." (thanks, Fannie. I'm welling up)
----------
The Pretentious Prick- Heterosexual Privilege Award:

Fitz, who said this:

"One gets the distinct impression that this is the first time Fannie & Co. have presented their worldview for public consideration. It is as if, up to this point they only encountered opposition of their own creation (a sort of straw man marriage defenders) and are now dismayed and overwhelmed to find that everyone dosent actually agree with their point of view."
------------
The Save the Children Award: On Lawn, for saying that when gay people have children,

"the children become as relationship accessories. Purchased. Selected. And treated as a commodity. Why people have children, or why people even purchase children is no doubt varied. But it is none-the-less suspect."
------------
The Too-Much-Information Award:

Renee for saying this:

"I gave birth close to ten months ago and because of the breastfeeding, I've still have not ovulated. That's no fluke, the body reproductive system knows how to send the right message to the ovaries that I still have a small baby. He's weening now though."

and

"Over the years studying natural family planning, I've been reading medical articles on the nature of cervical mucus secretions and how the body prepares itself for ovulation in a woman's cycle. It is quite amazing the female ovuation cycle. Our bodies, no matter the orienation, are designed for penises (and birthing babies)."

and

"No we're not obssessed with gay sex, actually anal sex isn't just for homosexuals. When I was a freshmen, they told us (the girls) that we should be engaging it equally as homosexual men. The term they used was to be in 'Deep Sh!t'...We are obsessed with sex, though. Marriage though didn't take it's fuller meaning for myself until I wanted children and dumped the contraception and actually had REAL sex."
------------
The (Biggest) Hypocrite Award:

Jose, who admonishes,

"This is a forum to which the public is invited and the communication should ideally be as it would at a public forum, respectful without necessarily “pulling punches.”

and then a mere few comments later said this:

"Such homosexualists are encapsulated in their little clique in which they talk to themselves and imagine that only a few could possibly disagree with them or think them close-minded. They are not conscious of what is really happening in the world regarding this issue because they are so immersed in homosexualist propaganda."
-----------
The Anti-Equality Blogger Comments, That If Turned Into A Drinking Game, Would Get Us Drunk The Fastest:

Three Way Tie Here:

"Everytime Renee mentions her breasts, do a red-headed slut"

"Whenever Christian pines for Rachel's personal attention, pound a beer"

"Anytime On Lawn says "marriage neuterist" = SOCIAL!!!"
------------
Person Whose News Story Most Likely Will End With The Phrase, "And then he turned the gun on himself":

Chairm- for everything. He's just that type.
------------
The You-Should-Really-Stop-Embarrassing-Yourself-By-Talking Award:

Jose, for his *ahem* always-spot-on analysis of the situation:

"The homosexualists, for the most part unconscious of their marriage deconstruction efforts, are working hard at all levels to re-educate, that is, indoctrinate the masses and our children to accept and affirm their sexual practices. We form part of an intelligentsia comprised of liberals and conservatives that sees through their campaign and we present a powerfully articulate resistance, deconstructing the myths that they propagate. Such is the culture war that we are engaged in. They can rant and rage, foam at the mouth and spew bile, while reason and the facts remain cool and collected."
-------------
The Apocalypse Award:

Jose for warning us:

"It must be understood that along with the deconstruction of marriage, the nucleus of family and society, comes the wholesale deconstruction of family itself and social unity interests in general. This of course has already been underway because government has abdicated its role in protecting marriage."
--------------
The Hey-Everyone-Look-At-Me-I'm-A-Lawyer Award:

goes to Fitz, for constantly reminding us that he went to law school,

"Perhaps me & my legal credentials will impress her more?"

and

"Back in law school, one of my fellow student’s boyfriends was from Spain. We had this very discussion (he being older and unmarried/childless)"
and

"I thought I would post a bit of my article on same-sex “marriage” were [sic] I specifically discuss the ALI (American Law Institutes) recent recommendations on family law.

and

"We need an Egg and Sperm conception law. It reminds me of the cloning law (here in Michigan) & other States that were legislated during the Dolly the sheep media blitz. Such laws are ethical benchmarks that help us defeat stem cell research and other ethical medical issues that subsequently pop up."

Yes Fitz. Congratulations. You went to law school. So did the rest of us.
----------
The We're-Going-To-Have-Boners-For-Weeks-Okay-Minutes-Because-Of-All-This-Attention Award goes to: Opine Editorials

----------
Biggest Douchebag
(The equavalent of
"Best Picture" at the oscars.)

Jose Solano- for everything he says.

AND

Culturologist, who said this:

"I won't echo all the smart things that have been said here about normal human intercourse and the activities that homosexuals engage in except to say that the point the Jane Knows seem never to get is that they will NEVER know how much more powerful the sex act between a man and a woman is PRECISELY because both parties know that a potential outcome of the act is the creation of new life."

Many gay people have, in fact, had male-female sex. Perhaps they just didn't find it as "powerful" as... um... he seems to.

AND Marty, who said this:

"That's really it for me. If you and your GF want to shack up and play house, I could care less. Just don't inflict your bias on a kid, and don't go telling folks that it doesn't matter if little Johnny has no father. That would be cruel and unusual.

If gender didn't matter, you wouldn't have such a problem loving men. Gender does matter -- to you, and to little Johnny."
------------
Biggest Doucheblog: Opine Editorials

And finally, the Burning Question to Homobigots that Still Remains Unanswered:

"Why are you devoting so much time and energy advocating against gay people getting married when, if you are so concerned about threats to marriage, you should REALLY be focusing on things like spousal abuse, domestic violence, and adultery. Those are way way way bigger threats to the sanctity of your so-called sacred male-female marriages than ANYTHING else?"


CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WINNERS. YOU'RE A VERY SPECIAL BUNCH

PS. What would an award ceremony be without a super luxe gift bag? Please enjoy the following items that we've created especially for you.

First, for those chilly nights, let Jose Solano warm you up with this comfy sweatshirt:


Next, when it's time to get your drink on, please enjoy this "God Hates Fags" beer Koozie:


And lastly, after the beers, enjoy some sexy time in these Renee inspired underwear! Yum:


Happy Hating!!

PPS Thanks to Fannie's girlfriend for the Freddy's Logo!

Monday, September 03, 2007