I am sooo nervous for our country! I just read that the United States military is "stretched dangerously thin!"
OMG! WTF!! We're, like, running out of soldiers!
Whew!! Don't worry.
Officers in the military came up with this totally kick ass idea: To improve recruitment efforts, nearly 80 percent [of officers]back "expanding options for legal, foreign permanent residents of the United States to serve in exchange for U.S. citizenship."
Well, THANK goodness!!! CLEARLY bribing non-U.S. citizens with the promise of citizenship is the very best way of getting hundreds of thousands of ready, willing and able patriots to join the military.
And not at all hypocritical. Or creepy. Or insulting. Or stupid.
As a patriotic American, I really want to do my part, and come up with a couple of other good recruiting ideas.
- Schizophrenics. It's gonna be SO fun!
- My Nana. She's 96, and shanked a ho in her nursing home.
- Al Qaeda. I'm sure as soon as they hear all the great "everywhere we go... people wanna know" songs they'll totally switch sides.
- Siamese twins. But only when one of them wants to. The other one just has to go along. It'd be funny.
- Aborted fetuses. Stem cells trump terrorist cells. Every time.
- Larry Flynt. He's got a killer wheelchair.
- Some of the teletubbies. Tinky Winky can't come.
- Violent Felons = unit cohesion. awesome.
- The cast of "Celebrity Rehab"
I hope the government takes my suggestions to heart. Because I seriously CANNOT figure out any other ways to intelligently and fairly and honorably replenish our military services.