Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Doing My Part For National Security

I am sooo nervous for our country! I just read that the United States military is "stretched dangerously thin!"

OMG! WTF!! We're, like, running out of soldiers!

Where...can....we...get...more...soldiers? Hmm...


Whew!! Don't worry.

Officers in the military came up with this totally kick ass idea: To improve recruitment efforts, nearly 80 percent [of officers]back "expanding options for legal, foreign permanent residents of the United States to serve in exchange for U.S. citizenship."
Well, THANK goodness!!! CLEARLY bribing non-U.S. citizens with the promise of citizenship is the very best way of getting hundreds of thousands of ready, willing and able patriots to join the military.

And not at all hypocritical. Or creepy. Or insulting. Or stupid.

As a patriotic American, I really want to do my part, and come up with a couple of other good recruiting ideas.

- Schizophrenics. It's gonna be SO fun!

- My Nana. She's 96, and shanked a ho in her nursing home.

- Al Qaeda. I'm sure as soon as they hear all the great "everywhere we go... people wanna know" songs they'll totally switch sides.

- Siamese twins. But only when one of them wants to. The other one just has to go along. It'd be funny.

- Aborted fetuses. Stem cells trump terrorist cells. Every time.

- Larry Flynt. He's got a killer wheelchair.

- Some of the teletubbies. Tinky Winky can't come.

- Violent Felons = unit cohesion. awesome.

- The cast of "Celebrity Rehab"

I hope the government takes my suggestions to heart. Because I seriously CANNOT figure out any other ways to intelligently and fairly and honorably replenish our military services.


Anonymous said...

They should outsource all military operations to India. Probably better use of our tax dollars.

Army Girl said...

If they offer baking school in Baghdad for gay people to make pretty cakes after we do battle, I'll go back.

AP said...

I love your blog in general, but for this post you totally deserve oral sex.

rem said...

you have a sexy-smart thing happening here...well, and like...everywhere else. plus you have a really fab bag collection...which means what you say counts. VOTE FOR GRACE!

Fannie said...

I would volunteer. But I can't.

So I almost.... almost... but not quite.... feel sorry for the military leadership's plight.

Clearly, people from all different countries speaking all kinds of languages is greater for unit cohesion in our military than any. other. possibility.

Fannie said...

(and p.s. I sorta have to object to the Siamese twin bit, on principle....)

(but it sorta would be funny)

Jackass said...

We tried telemed on the schizophrenic vets and they were paranoid someone was watching them. This might not be the group to recruit.

Daisy Duke said...

What about alcoholics? They show perseverance & ability to function in sub-prime conditions. Besides, AA meetings after combat would provide a nice moment of relief.

rem said...

I vote meth addicts. Those folks can stay up for easily 72 hours at a time. I call that productive. Plus they don't really eat much or change their clothes, so we can save money on that stuff and put our savings toward something useful that this country needs...like attacking Canada. I'll bet that's where those slippery WMD are!