Monday, March 31, 2008


I hate when I go so long without writing on the blog. It's just that much harder to go back and start writing again. So this is just a post to get me writing again. Because I really miss it. But this post will not be funny. Or interesting. HOWEVER.

I am making a goal.

In addition to April being National Sexual Assault awareness month, and National Poetry Month it is also Grace Blogs EVERY DAY Month. Or at least I'm going to try.

I have several topics I wish to cover. As always, in no particular order.

-My exes. Yes, every single one of you will get some time on this blog during the month of April. To those exes who read this blog, don't worry. You will be anonymous. Well... sorta.

- My Saturday night with the Directress (there's MUCH to say about her)

- Loud Talkers (yes I have new pictures)

- The fucking bitch on the bus who keeps on shooting me dirty looks. Fucking bitch. I really fucking hate her.

- The Service Members Legal Defense Network Annual Fundraising dinner

- And on a similar, but unrelated note, why the HRC sucks ass.

those are just a couple of things. but it's a start.

So during the month of April, keep on reading my blog, don't sexually assault anyone, and please for the love of all that is good and holy, don't write any fucking poetry.


Also, and this is totally unrelated, and stupid, but go and vote for this girl. I really don't know what she's trying to win. But I like her blog, it's VERY funny, and I got drunk with her once. So in the spirit of supporting things you don't understand or care about, do your part and vote for Dmbmeg. For absolutely no good reason. M'kay?

Friday, March 21, 2008


"Hello Grace!

We've noticed that you've not been active on Forum for quite some time now, and we miss you! Could we not tempt you back?

We hope to see you soon

Kindest Regards Forum

Thursday, March 20, 2008

In My Pants: How Not to Get There

So a couple of weeks ago, I was in D.C. for the SLDN Annual fundraising dinner. It's a snappy black tie thingy and I got to go with Army Girl, and got to wear an awesome dress. More on the dinner in another post. (Yeah VCUGirl, be scared.)

Anyway, the afternoon of the dinner, Army Girl and I were at the nail salon getting manis & pedis. (Shut it, Fannie. Everyone calls them manis and pedis) And while I've got my hands under the nail dryer machine thing, this super tall, super big woman ("STSBW"), came and sat across from me. Here's what went down:

STSBW: Well, hello there.

Grace: Hi.

STSBW: I'm Cindy. What's your name?

Grace: Hi. Grace. That's my friend Armygirl over there.

STSBW: Nice to meet you, Grace. You're quite a looker. (seriously, she said "looker") I work for the Department of Defense. What do you do?

Grace: Um. I'm a criminal prosecutor. In Chicago.

STSBW: I think I need to keep my eye on you, Grace-From-Chicago. Do you have a business card?

Grace: Um.. my nails are wet, I can't get one. but my email address is fakeemailaddress(at)yourmom(dot)com. Hey Army Girl! We gotta go!!! Nice to meet you, Cindy.

STSBW: VERY nice to meet you Grace. Next time you're in town, I want some one on one with you.

Grace: OK bye!!!

Army Girl: Well that was pretty gross!

Grace: That was the most aggressive lesbian I've ever met.

Army Girl: Grace. That wasn't a woman. That was a dude. That was a transsexual.


The above story, and the fact that Cindy turned out to be a dude, really has nothing to do with the point of this post. The point of the post is that there are places where you JUST DO NOT HIT ON PEOPLE.

And the nail salon is one such place. I don't know if I could come up with a definitive list of places where one can or one can't try and hit on people, but i think a good rule of thumb is, don't hit on people who can't get up and leave. In a nail salon, you're hands are held hostage for fear of scuffing. Everyone in there is there for the same reason. To have pretty fingers. Any conversation that goes further than the cooing of "oooooh great color for toes!" needs to not ever happen.

So here are some other places where you shouldnt try and hit on people.

The gynecologists office.

Waiting Rooms of therapists


Bond Court


You can hit on me in the grocery store IF YOU DON'T

1. ask me if you can "be my dessert"

2. ask to share my bottle of wine

3. Introduce yourself as Uncle Randy


If you're a MALE COP-

You cannot pull me over to ask me out

If you're a FEMALE COP-

You can

I got bored halfway through my own post. I'll try to come up with more later.

Feel free to add to the list.


Saturday, March 15, 2008

Birthday Blog Post

It's my birthday. I'm in Los Angeles. Last week I was in D.C. I have so much to write about, but it will just have to wait.

I'm on my way to my birthday party.

And I am REALLY fucking old.

The end.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

My Hair Part II: The Aftermath

Here are some of the things people have been saying about my hair:

- It's...really blonde!

- It's...really short!

- What did you do to your hair?

- It's not the back.

- It would be fine if you weren't so pale.

- What part isn't highlighted?

- It's not as bad as you think it is.

- You might need to wear brighter makeup with that color.

- It'll grow out!

- Go back to the salon and get it toned down.

- (from the liquor store owner) You spent how much on that? You're not even a black girl! Your hair is just straight and plain! I'll cut your hair for free and it will look the same! You make me sick. Go back upstairs!

In fairness, REM said she liked it. But she said it in the dark on a street with very little lighting.

Daisy also said she liked it. But she's Southern and weirdly polite.

One of the older supervisors at work said the cut was exquisite, and the color was gorgeous.
And I looked like... (are you ready?) a pretty Anna Nicole Smith. (Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Binge. Purge. Repeat)


On another note, a homeless person on the bus today was inexplicably wearing a blindfold and clucking like a chicken.


Sunday, March 02, 2008

My Hair

I used to have long blonde pretty hair.

That changed yesterday.

If you want to see what I look like now, please click here.