Thursday, March 20, 2008

In My Pants: How Not to Get There

So a couple of weeks ago, I was in D.C. for the SLDN Annual fundraising dinner. It's a snappy black tie thingy and I got to go with Army Girl, and got to wear an awesome dress. More on the dinner in another post. (Yeah VCUGirl, be scared.)

Anyway, the afternoon of the dinner, Army Girl and I were at the nail salon getting manis & pedis. (Shut it, Fannie. Everyone calls them manis and pedis) And while I've got my hands under the nail dryer machine thing, this super tall, super big woman ("STSBW"), came and sat across from me. Here's what went down:

STSBW: Well, hello there.

Grace: Hi.

STSBW: I'm Cindy. What's your name?

Grace: Hi. Grace. That's my friend Armygirl over there.

STSBW: Nice to meet you, Grace. You're quite a looker. (seriously, she said "looker") I work for the Department of Defense. What do you do?

Grace: Um. I'm a criminal prosecutor. In Chicago.

STSBW: I think I need to keep my eye on you, Grace-From-Chicago. Do you have a business card?

Grace: Um.. my nails are wet, I can't get one. but my email address is fakeemailaddress(at)yourmom(dot)com. Hey Army Girl! We gotta go!!! Nice to meet you, Cindy.

STSBW: VERY nice to meet you Grace. Next time you're in town, I want some one on one with you.

Grace: OK bye!!!

Army Girl: Well that was pretty gross!

Grace: That was the most aggressive lesbian I've ever met.

Army Girl: Grace. That wasn't a woman. That was a dude. That was a transsexual.


The above story, and the fact that Cindy turned out to be a dude, really has nothing to do with the point of this post. The point of the post is that there are places where you JUST DO NOT HIT ON PEOPLE.

And the nail salon is one such place. I don't know if I could come up with a definitive list of places where one can or one can't try and hit on people, but i think a good rule of thumb is, don't hit on people who can't get up and leave. In a nail salon, you're hands are held hostage for fear of scuffing. Everyone in there is there for the same reason. To have pretty fingers. Any conversation that goes further than the cooing of "oooooh great color for toes!" needs to not ever happen.

So here are some other places where you shouldnt try and hit on people.

The gynecologists office.

Waiting Rooms of therapists


Bond Court


You can hit on me in the grocery store IF YOU DON'T

1. ask me if you can "be my dessert"

2. ask to share my bottle of wine

3. Introduce yourself as Uncle Randy


If you're a MALE COP-

You cannot pull me over to ask me out

If you're a FEMALE COP-

You can

I got bored halfway through my own post. I'll try to come up with more later.

Feel free to add to the list.



rem said...

i'd add "if you don't have any sort of vaginal cream in your cart." to the grocery store list.

VCUgirl said...

Honestly, I'm terrified. But I have to say, I'm sorry i didn't hear the nail salon story earlier. hahaha, it made my day.

eddie said...

Um, in a sleep lab, just after you've wired someone up to figure out the weird shit that's been going on in her sleep. OK, but she *was* incredibly hot, and I did have to stay up all night watching her sleep on the video. And she did say yes, but after I watched her try to kill the "burning sun-demons" for 3 hours throughout the night, I realized it wasn't the greatest idea, and added it to my list of "places not to ask someone out" . . .

Stellewriter said...

One may take someone's friendly approach as being "Hit on", however, some also consider themselves more desirable than is reality . Regardless, Every ten minutes a child is born, 1/2500, in which the doctor cannot determine the sex, or gender. These children are Intersex; they are born into a life of not male or female. Likewise in similar fashion the Transsexual is identified with a Bioneurological congenital condition they too are locked into something not quite so clearly defined as male, or female. The best we can do is live as close to what we seem to believe we are. That may preclude the wants, and often ignorant and bigoted beliefs of others.

The other day I was listening to a couple of guys ripping on the lesbian "derogative deleted" at the lunch counter, and what they were going to do. It was also insensitive and showed ignorance....

Army Girl said...

I'm going to have to defend Grace on this one. She was so sweet about it that she didn't even notice gender. I commented to her so your beef should be with me. Grace is the most sensitive person ever that is why she is able to have exchanges like this one with someone she doesn't know. I would like to point out that if this person was intersexed, they lied about being former military. It is a requirement that genital clearly match gender identification before anyone is allowed to join the service. It is gross but they actually look to see. I don't agree with this statutory requirement and think that it doesn't really serve a purpose except to discriminate against citizens the military (not me personally) believes could have gender dysphoria.

Grace said...


Lighten up.


Vittoria said...

i would like to add "in the showers, specifically" to the gym reference. i have nothing deeper to add to the debate, at this time.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Grace, ANYWHERE in the gym should be off limits. About a month ago, I was working with my personal trainer on a Friday night at the Lincoln Park Athletic Club, when we overhear Nerdboy approach Ditzgirl, and engage her in the following conversation:

Nerdboy: "Hi, are you training for a marathon or something?"

Ditzgirl: "No, I'm just lifting weights, trying to stay in shape."

Nerdboy: "So, would you like to go out?"

Ditzgirl: "Sure!!"

Nerdboy: "Can I get your phone number or email address?"

Although the conversation continued, I couldn't hear what else they said. But I looked at my personal trainer, she looked at me, and we both rolled our eyes. "I hope she gave him a fake email address," she said. "You know," I said, "the sad thing about that is that he's used that line before, and it's actually worked." She agreed with me that that was sad.

Fannie said...

I would like to add "at the dentist by the hygenist who is cleaning your teeth while your mouth is stuck open."

rem said...

did that happen to you? i feel like i should know. simple yes or no...i mean, you can text it to me if you don't want to say here...but like, i feel like i NEED to know!!!

Daisy Duke said...