Monday, April 21, 2008

I LOVE BASEBALL SO MUCH

OK. That's not exactly true. In fact, I really fucking hate baseball. Sorry, everybody. I know that I'll probably get a bunch of bitchy comments about how that's just Un-American, and baseball is the "thinking man's game" and baseball has a tradition of bringing families together, and it's one of the few remaining sports that the average guy can afford a ticket to, well BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I hate it. So this blog is a rant about everything I don't like about baseball. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Why I don't like baseball...

1. There are too many games. Teams shouldn't play each other 3 times in a row. It's like watching the same Law & Order: SVU episode three times in a row. Who does that? Doesn't it get boring? Yes. The answer is yes.

2. The fans take up all the seats on the red line. At RUSH HOUR.

3. When someone goes up to the batting spot, one of only four things can happen. 1. They strike out. 2. They hit it up in the air and it ALWAYS gets caught. 3. They hit it on the ground and it ALWAYS gets to first base before the runner does. 4. It goes over the fence. That's it. It's so out of the ordinary for anything else to happen that they have a word for it: AN ERROR.

4. The bases are always in the same order. It would be a WAY more interesting game if they kept on changing. Like, if, as soon as the bat made contact with ball, one of the bases would turn into a disco ball, and that's how you know which one to run to. But it always changes, so you can never be sure.

5. There are VERY few, if any attractive players. There's that one who played for the Red Sox, I think. Johnny Damon, but that's really about it. Everyone else seems like they've spent more time saddling up to an all-u-care-to-eat buffet, than playing a national sport.

6. I'm sorry, but I just don't think it seems THAT hard. There are several reasons why I feel this way, so we're going to break this down into a smaller list:

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Reasons why baseball doesn't seem to be that hard:

a. If it was very hard, wouldn't people have to be in better shape?
b. If it was very hard, wouldn't people not be able to play it three days in a row?
c. If it was very hard, wouldn't it be hard to play while stoned or drunk? I am aware that professionals probably don't play stoned or drunk, but the fact is there are recreational leagues where you can actually play with a beer in your hand. Are there recreational leagues where you can play basketball or football with a beer in your hand? No. Just baseball.
d. Go ahead and give me the stupid "Well, Grace, do you think you could hit a baseball off of a major league pitcher?" Well, no. Probably not. But here's the thing: NEITHER CAN MOST OF THE PEOPLE IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL. And they get paid a FUCK lot more than I do, just to try. And more often than not, to fail.

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OK. Now we can go back to our regularly scheduled programming of listing ways baseball is dumb.

7. Here's something I REALLY don't understand. People who keep score on their own little baseball paper. There's a huge scoreboard that serves precisely that purpose.

8. I also don't understand why people think it's the "thinking man's game." That makes no sense. And please don't feed me the "well, the lineup is VERY important, and takes a lot of thinking." Well, then, the players are just pawns, and we should all wear jersey's with the lineup maker's name on them?

9. Bats only come in one shape. Same with balls. Zzzzzz.

10. The season goes on WAY too long. WAY WAY WAY too long.

And yes, of course I have fun when I go to Wrigley Field or Dodger's Stadium and watch a game live. Duh. They serve beer there. I'd have fun at a pet crematorium if they sold beer and hot dogs.

OK. End of rant.

This Saturday, I am going to be in Detroit. For a Tigers game.

PS. Hopefully THIS will happen. It's really all anyone can ask for.

16 comments:

Arielle said...

Dude baseball is totally lame. I also like going to watch games live but even with beer I can usually only handle 6 or 7 innings before I get bored. I do like the disco ball idea, though.

Can we talk about fantasy sports? NERD ALERT LIKE WHOA.

rem said...

oh for sure. i'd rather fuck a relative than hang out with someone who's into fantasy sports.
p.s. i get to pick the relative.

Scott Rose said...

Hilarious. And true.

Wannabe Redhead said...

Lucky you. Going to a Tigers game in Detroit is one of the best things on earth. And attractive baseball players? Justin Verlander. . . drool. And Magg's hair is way too pretty to belong to a man.

Anonymous said...

Baseball can be boring if you don't know what's going on.

And you obviously don't know what's going on...

anonymoushottie said...

Oh shush anonymous.

That was hilarious. I did very much enjoy the game I went to this weekend where I told a Yankees fan to stop spitting because he probably had tuberculosis and I didn't really feel like dealing with it. I may have had too many beers. And too much BBQ. Yum.

Fannie said...

This was the best baseball article I've ever read. I like going to baseball games for the same reasons you do (beer and food), but it is pretty f-ing boring.

I mean, a "good" batting average is over .300. That means to be good at this sport, you only have to get a hit less than one out of every three at-bats. Wouldn't it be grand if all professions were held to that standard?

And Johnny Damon cut his hair, so I guess my man-crush on him is over.

The Artful Blogger said...

Wonderfully written..right up there with Carlin's bit on "Baseball vs. Football." You should think about possible rule changes that would make the game more interesting-Grace style.

Daisy Duke said...

A pet crematorium serving "hot dogs" might disturb me. Just saying.

I like baseball. But I like your list better.

A guy who knew you in LA said...

Hey, Grace, then what's the explanation for your consistent excellent performance in softball in Los Angeles? Or, is softball not the same game? ... :)

biff said...

I watch baseball for the same reason I play Euchre.

Harmless Error said...

In three years in Boston, I went to exactly two Red Sox games. And got excited only because I saw Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner at one of them. The fever? I never got it.

virgo1sign said...

jeeezus, I have tried to comment like 5 times...either your security is tough or I should stop commenting when I am blitzed. Anyway, after watching A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN after a night of drinking beyond physical capacity.. i mean we should have had alcohol poisoning, why a. is this blog not about snogging me and b. why compare boy baseball to girl baseballl...I mean where is the ironing, the husbands, the war heroes, Madonnna's panties? Seriously, like there is any comparison in grown fat-assed men wasting their lives and hot bitches like us wasting their lives? Pul=lease!!

Pissy Missy said...

Ok, as a former collegiate softball player... well, actually, no I can't really stick up for my sport. It is pretty boring. But I would like to say that you calling the box at home plate the "batters spot" made me laugh. A lot.

And, Curtis Granderson who plays for the Tigers is cute. He's a friend of mine from college so cheer for him when you go to the game.

Timo said...

It's the favorite sport of both Fidel Castro and George Dubya Bush. Enough said.

Random Esquire said...

Booo baseball.

Football isn't bad. The potential for blood or death moves the sport UP on my scale.

-R.