Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Dear Ron Huberman,

When I saw you on the Redline a few weeks ago, I was dazzled. There you were, the President of the CTA riding the Redline, and being totally, unspeakably, ridiculously gorgeous.

I have to admit, I didn't know who you were at first. I just thought you were some random, really really well dressed guy without a wedding ring on. I thought you were smiling at me because you thought I was cute, too. But no. You thought I recognized you as Ron Huberman. Actually, my friend had whispered in my ear, "That's Ron Huberman!"

You were so pretty, I just wanted to cry. And you were actually riding the train to see how the slow zones were doing!! That was so cute. So adorably diligent.

It was so nice that you took the time to talk to us and ask our opinions about the redline. And told us when the brown line stop near my place would open back up.

I was totally unaware that your young age was a source of some criticism, otherwise I never would have asked you how old you were. I was just asking to see if you and I were age appropriate for each other. And you seemed to sort of like talking to my friends and me. You thought we had cool jobs.

During the walk home, I thought about your really nice arms. And your really pretty smile. And that you were young, and the president of the CTA. And the fact that you used to be a cop. I thought about how the name Grace Huberman sounded.

Then I went home and googled you. And I found out that you were instrumental to the creation of I-Clear. Well, sugar. That sealed the deal.

I vowed to send you a little note, and invite you out to lunch. But even more so, I vowed to be a CTA rider forever. We never got that far, did we?

Well, my sweet, love is a fickle thing. We have to break up. I am so sorry to do this on a blog, but it really seems the most practical way, seeing as we don't really know each other.

I'm leaving you for the Metra.

On Friday, I was running late. I was going to take the bus to the redline, but the CTA Bus Tracker (which is still an awesome idea, my darling) told me I would have to wait 19 minutes for my bus. I did the math in my head. 19 minutes waiting for the bus. 8 minutes on the bus, probably about 5 minutes waiting for the El. 30 minutes on the el. 5 minute walk to work. 63 minutes. And probably having to stand the whole time because there will be no available seats.
It didn't seem like I had any other choice. I had been hesitant to try the Metra, as it seemed complicated. And different. And mysterious. but it seemed like if I didn't want to be embarrasingly late, I would have to take a chance.

I got on. I got a seat. The seat was VERY well-cushioned. 14 minutes later, I get off. I walk a few blocks and get to work with a minute or two to spare.

It was QUIET, Ron. It was clean, Ron. It didn't smell like the urine of an alcoholic, Ron. There were no homeless people yelling at themselves. There was no one asking me for money. There was no one casually leafing through a RedEye while holding his urine sample

Of course, there were loud talkers. They are everywhere. But they didn't really bother me as much. Their voices sort of blended in with the mellow hum of the speeding engine which sounded like a symphony of purring kittens and gratuitous compliments.

And yes, of COURSE, I'll miss the homeless ladies masturbating. Of COURSE I'll miss the drunken asshole Cubs fans coming in from the suburbs. Of course I'll miss being packed in a hot car with 5,0000 other miserable commuters, stopped somewhere between Belmont and Fullerton for what seems like hours for no apparent reason.

I am so sorry that it has to end like this, Ron.
Now, the Metra is my Boo.




The Namby Pamby said...

Yes, Metra is awesome.

It's the reason that I haven't moved back to the city.

That and law school made me broke.

Squid, J.D. said...

No shout out? :-( No, "my awesome friend Squid told me the minute I moved into my new place that her best friend lived there for years and rode the Metra every day and it was sooooooooo easy?" No, "why didn't I listen to Squid earlier, instead choosing to endure an hour-long commute where I had to watch old women masturbate and NOT participate?"

I'm hurt.

But I forgive you, because with the lightening speed at which you are now travelling, you can probably be here in two seconds to kick my squid ass.

Props for using "boo" and "Metra" in the same sentence, though. That's something that even the greats probably haven't accomplished. Well done, Grace. Bra-vo.

Daisy Duke said...


I'm never inviting you on my CTA express bus again.

anonymoushottie said...

Daisy is just jealous she can't hop on the Metra. It is fun.

Daisy Duke said...

I took Metra for an entire summer you goons.

It sucked.

It was full of suburb people. And we all know how I feel about suburb people.

Dirty Hippie said...

I heart the Metra!!!! But alas it doesn't meet all my needs. Metra means having to hike 8 miles in the winter time. I like to hike but geez. I also like sushi.

Anonymous said...

This as always Grace was spot on in making my day...

one point, as Tim Gunn would say, concerns me...Specifically, "I'll miss the homeless ladies masturbating"

Did you blog about this experience already??

obsquatch said...

Due to the fact that I have no way of actually getting in touch with you (to ask you out. I'm sure i make 50% less than any other date you've had in the last 16 months), I am using this comment to ask you to cast a vote in my 2nd annual sketchy mustache competition. Rarely does a man find solace in facial hair, this is one of those moments. Join me, Grace.

obsquatch said...

maybe it's not as rare as I think it is...

obsquatch said...

I have these tiny tiny maracas that prevent me from pursuing you. Besides, I've seen you rip total strangers to shreds on a whim. I'd hate to have that aggression turned my direction... unless you were wearing leather underware and I was wearing a gag-ball.

Forever yours,

p.s. hold me?

??? said...

Grace -
You do know that he is a publicly out gay man, right??

Grace said...


Actually, I did sorta figure that out, but nowhere did I see or read a direct quote from him saying he was gay, or see a photo of him and his partner or some other indicator that he really was publicly out. Therefore, I didn't really think it was appropriate to say anything.

If you tell me the Metra is a gay man, though, I might have to put the smackdown on you.