Monday, September 01, 2008

The Dog and Me- A Dialogue Part IV

Dog: What the FUCK is with all the boxes?

Me: I was waiting for the right time to tell you. We're moving.

Dog: "WE'RE" moving? I don't recall having much of a say in this.

Me: Well, I know. But I don't have a choice. I couldn't get a mortgage.

Dog: Because you're a complete loser. And an asshole. And you're fat with bad hair, and bad taste, in both clothing and home furnishings.

Me: You're a little mean. You haven't even heard about the place. It's got a fenced in backyard!

Dog: You are such a fucking idiot. There's nothing appealing to me about a fenced in backyard. How about no fence? How about you just give me a key and I'll come and go as I please?

Me: Because, and I don't want to be too repetitive, but you don't have opposable thumbs. You can't operate a key.

Dog: You know the worst part about that? I can't use my opposable thumbs to punch you in the neck for your subpar FICO score.

Me: You don't even know what a FICO score is.

Dog: You can't get a mortgage, and you're questioning MY knowledge of finances? You're lucky I don't know how to drive.

Me: And why is that?

Dog: Forget it. I just had a fantasy about driving you into my imaginary fiery cauldron of hate.

Me: Super. You're the best. Love you, doggie. And thanks for your support.

Dog: Eat me, tramp.


vcugirl said...


You are fantastic.

Cans said...

i concur with vcugirl.

also, i hate you for taking off.

the end.

mitsi beaverlick said...

why must you make me laugh my ass off repeatedly? nevermind-just keep doing it lovely.

xoxo mitsi
ps good luck with the move. i miss you!

eddie said...

Your dog knows you so well, it's quite amazing really. Miss you - we need to lunch!

Anonymous said...

Forget about dating Lawyer. (How did that go, by the way? Oh ... yeah, you already told me). Anyway, I would date that dog in a heartbeat.

Hellafied said...

Singlehandedly one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. Thank you!

Kelli said...

I saw your comment. I wonder just how many of us there are out there. I'm sorry it happened to you, too.

rem said...

i need to side with "doggie" here (we don't use her real name right?). nothing like, specific. just the general tone of the conversation.