Sunday, October 05, 2008

The Dog & Me- A Dialogue Part V

Me: We need to talk.

Dog: What are you doing here? I thought you died!

Me: Um. No, I didn't die.

Dog: Yes. Yes, you died. I remember it vividly. I pooped on your corpse. I'm sure of it! It was SWEET.

Me: No. I'm alive. You didn't poop on my corpse. I just took you on a walk ten minutes ago. How could I be dead?

Dog: Oh. Damn. Well, when you do die, that's going to be the first thing I do.

Me: Super. That's just great. Can we talk now? It's kind of important.

Dog: Make it brief. I have to go lick myself.

Me: I think your relationship with the squirrels in the neighborhood is unhealthy. It's bordering on toxic.

Dog: What would YOU know about healthy relationships, Asshole?

Me: This isn't ABOUT me. It's about you. Ever since we moved into this neighborhood, you stare out the window and you bark, whimper, and even cry at the squirrels. They seem to be driving you crazy with desire. But then, I take you outside, and you nearly knock me to the ground by pulling on your leash so hard trying to chase one.

Dog: Well, maybe you should try sensible shoes, instead of those hooker heels you're always sporting.

Me: They're not hooker heels. They're professional, courtroom appropriate, work shoes.

Dog: Whatever. If you can't walk in them, they're too high for you. Why you're AGAIN choosing to blame ME for your shortcomings is beyond me, Loser.

Me: It's not that I can't walk in them. I CAN SO walk in them. I just can't run in them while you chase squirrels, that BY THE WAY YOU ARE NEVER EVER GOING TO CATCH!

Dog: (silence)

Me: I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

Dog: Like HELL you didn't!

Me: I didn't! I'm just frustrated. And you know how to push my buttons, and it just came out all wrong. I'm so sorry. Of course, you can catch a squirrel some day.

Dog: Yeah. Well, no shit. Of course I can. You're the disaster- not me.

Me: Hey, I have things going on! I just don't share them with you because you can't be supportive.

Dog: Yeah, well it's sort of like Lions Fans. Sometimes you just gotta stop supporting the loser team.

Me: I didn't know you knew how to make football analogies.

Dog: Yeah, there's a lot you don't know about me, Assface.

Me: I hate to do this, but sooner or later, you are going to have to make a choice. You don't have to do it today. But one day you will have to decide. The squirrels, or me.

Dog: Ok. I choose the squirrels. Are we done here? Can I get onto licking myself now?

Me: Ok. um.. see you later.

Dog: Shut up. Oh and feed me.


Stephanie said...

Oh my g-d! You are terrible. What's wrong with you? This is why people should not have blogs.

Grace said...

Hey Steph!

Thanks for reading my blog! I, like, totally love it when people leave comments on my blog about how awful I am, BUT CONTINUE TO READ!

Yes, Stephanie from Covington, Kentucky. I know you (or someone from your IP address) read my blog, like every day.

If I suck so much, maybe you should try, reading another blog. Like Itakemyselfwaytooseriouslyandamveryjudgyandandamhatedbymostofmypeers(dot)blogspot(dot)com

Have a great day!

Harmless Error said...

These dialogues are my favorite thing in the world.

Dirty Hippie said...

Dear Grace,
As you are very much aware my dog called us (me and him) both worthless drunk assholes and tried to expatriate to Cuba... so be strong.

P.S. lmao

Fannie said...

These dialogues are pretty much the funniest parts of my day.

In re Squid said...

I want to eat your doggie everytime I see that picture of her. She is cuter than... than... Dirty Hippie's Scottish Brogue.

Anonymous said...

I feel like I have a similar dialogue with my 5-lb cocker spaniel/poodle mix every day. He too likes to play with the squirrels and bunny rabbits around the house. My dog did manage to "catch" the rabbit, if by catch it means the rabbit let him get close enough to sniff without hopping away.

I feel like we have these sorts of dialogues regularly when my husband (the dog's favorite) goes on business trips. It's like my dog thinks I forced his dad and playmate to leave, so I get the silent treatment and requisite trash tear up and grumbling.

I'm inspired by your dialogue and may feel the need to do a copycat on my site if that doesn't bother you too much.

Very funny!

Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog and this post with the dog is hysterical.