Sunday, October 05, 2008
The Dog & Me- A Dialogue Part V
Me: We need to talk.
Dog: What are you doing here? I thought you died!
Me: Um. No, I didn't die.
Dog: Yes. Yes, you died. I remember it vividly. I pooped on your corpse. I'm sure of it! It was SWEET.
Me: No. I'm alive. You didn't poop on my corpse. I just took you on a walk ten minutes ago. How could I be dead?
Dog: Oh. Damn. Well, when you do die, that's going to be the first thing I do.
Me: Super. That's just great. Can we talk now? It's kind of important.
Dog: Make it brief. I have to go lick myself.
Me: I think your relationship with the squirrels in the neighborhood is unhealthy. It's bordering on toxic.
Dog: What would YOU know about healthy relationships, Asshole?
Me: This isn't ABOUT me. It's about you. Ever since we moved into this neighborhood, you stare out the window and you bark, whimper, and even cry at the squirrels. They seem to be driving you crazy with desire. But then, I take you outside, and you nearly knock me to the ground by pulling on your leash so hard trying to chase one.
Dog: Well, maybe you should try sensible shoes, instead of those hooker heels you're always sporting.
Me: They're not hooker heels. They're professional, courtroom appropriate, work shoes.
Dog: Whatever. If you can't walk in them, they're too high for you. Why you're AGAIN choosing to blame ME for your shortcomings is beyond me, Loser.
Me: It's not that I can't walk in them. I CAN SO walk in them. I just can't run in them while you chase squirrels, that BY THE WAY YOU ARE NEVER EVER GOING TO CATCH!
Me: I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
Dog: Like HELL you didn't!
Me: I didn't! I'm just frustrated. And you know how to push my buttons, and it just came out all wrong. I'm so sorry. Of course, you can catch a squirrel some day.
Dog: Yeah. Well, no shit. Of course I can. You're the disaster- not me.
Me: Hey, I have things going on! I just don't share them with you because you can't be supportive.
Dog: Yeah, well it's sort of like Lions Fans. Sometimes you just gotta stop supporting the loser team.
Me: I didn't know you knew how to make football analogies.
Dog: Yeah, there's a lot you don't know about me, Assface.
Me: I hate to do this, but sooner or later, you are going to have to make a choice. You don't have to do it today. But one day you will have to decide. The squirrels, or me.
Dog: Ok. I choose the squirrels. Are we done here? Can I get onto licking myself now?
Me: Ok. um.. see you later.
Dog: Shut up. Oh and feed me.