Friday, November 28, 2008

Thanksgiving: The Aftermath: A Big Fat Play.

Phone Rings

Grace: Hello?

Grandma: Hi Gracie, Honey.

Grace: Hi Grandma! It was so great to see you yesterday.

Grandma: Oh, Grace, honey, you too...Listen, I feel terrible for what I said to you yesterday. You know I think you look more beautiful than you've ever looked before. You needed to put on some weight.

Grace: Oh, Grandma! Please don't feel terrible. I didn't think twice about it! (actually I cried driving home. I'm vain like that.) I love you so much!

Grandma: I love you, too, Sweetheart. Grace?

Grace: Yeah, Grandma?

Grandma: I know you're very busy, but please, will you just call me a little more? I miss you so much.

Grace: I miss you, too Grandma.


Phone Rings

Grace: Hello?

Grace's Brother, Charlie Manson: Hey.

Grace: Oh... Hey, Charlie Manson. Umm... How are you?

Charlie Manson: Fine...So, what's up?

Grace: Well, since last we talked well over a year ago, I got the job I really wanted, I graduated from law school, I studied for the bar, took the bar, and passed the bar, started my job, got a condo, lost my condo, and moved.

Charlie Manson: Cool. So, I hear Grandma called you fat.

Grace: Uh. Yeah. That happened yesterday. Are you telling me you know that grandma called me fat, but you didn't know that I passed the bar?

Charlie Manson: I don't remember if I knew that or not. Listen, she's old. She's gonnna say fucked up things.

Grace: Charlie Manson, I don't care. Like, at all. It's not a big deal. What is a big deal is the fact that you and Ann Coulter can't be in the same room together.

Charlie Manson: Well, she's a bitch. Sorry you got called fat.


Phone Rings

Grace: Hi Mom.

Mom: Hi sweetie. How're you coping?

Grace: Coping?

Mom: You know, after the incident...

Grace: The incident?

Mom: With Grandma. You know... what she said?

Grace: Oh, you mean when she called me fat?

Mom: She did not call you FAT. She told you she was glad you had put on some weight.

Grace: Whatever.

Mom: Stop being so difficult. I know you're sensitive, but you are NOT FAT.

Grace: Mom, I seriously don't care. It's fine. Let's just pretend it never happened.

Mom: OK. Just don't go overreacting and throwing everything in your refrigerator away. You're not working in Hollywood anymore. You don't HAVE to be that skinny.

Grace: I won't. I know. I know. (Too late, so what, and yes I do) Mom, I gotta go. I'm meeting some friends.

Mom: No, you're not. You're staying home and avoiding people. Don't lie to me.

Grace: OK. Mom. I gotta go. I'm avoiding people.

Mom: Bye Sweetheart.

Grace: Bye Mom.

Mom: Oh, and Grace?

Grace: Yes, mom.

Mom: You're not fat.

Grace: Um. Thanks. Bye.


Phone Rings.

Grace: Hello?

Grace's Sister, Ann Coulter: You must be HORRIFIED.

Grace: Why?

Ann Coulter: Grandma calling you fat!

Grace: Ann Coulter, I REALLY don't care. And by the way, she didn't call me fat. She merely noted that I had put on some weight, which I had, and that I looked great, which, I DO, DAMMIT.

Ann Coulter: Oh, she just threw in that last part because you looked like you were going to cry, and she was trying to backpedal. She thought you looked fat. She didn't want you to get upset.

Grace: Ann Coulter, I DID NOT. I am not that shallow. (yes I am) I was NOT upset!

Ann Coulter: Oh yes you were. I KNOW you.

Grace: Yes, Ann Coulter! You are right. I was upset. I was upset because holidays SUCK, and I have to go to each and every one of them, because if I don't, the rest of you assholes will kill each other. I was upset because Charlie Manson wasn't there, and it made Mom sad. I was upset, because I had spent the morning working in bond court and it made me sad that all of the families of these drug addicts were spending their Thanksgiving morning bonding out their loved ones who were arrested the night before. And it all seemed so hopeless. I was sad that on this day where we were supposed to be giving thanks for everything we have, I couldn't wrap my head around how incredibly unfair the world is. I was upset because dad didn't call to wish me Happy Thanksgiving. I was sad that I don't know how to relate to people anymore. And I was sad because I knew that this was just the beginning of a long holiday season of feeling horrible. So you're right. I was upset.

Ann Coulter: Oh Sweetie. (pause) We could go on a diet together!!!

Grace: Um. OK. Thanks, Ann Coulter. Love you. Gotta go. I'm tired.

Ann Coulter: Yeah, by the way, you REALLY should use that under eye cream I sent you. You looked tired. Bye. Love you.

Grace turns her phone off..

Grace's Phone: You have one new message. First new message...

Grace's Dad: Hi Sweetie. Sorry I didn't call you yesterday. I couldn't find the damn phone. I hope you had a great Thanksgiving, and I love you very much. And I talked to your mom. She told me to tell you that no matter what, you're not fat. Love you. Call me later.


Grace's Dog: You look like a man. A FAT man.


I can't wait for Christmas.


As American as Squid Pie said...

This is fantastic. I've been called fat by my mom, dad, aunt, cousin, two ex-boyfriends, and probably other people I can't remember.

But here's the thing. If you can't take the heat, get outta the kitchen. Also, if you feel you're fat, get outta the kitchen.

I guess maybe the answer to everything is to get outta the kitchen. Maybe if I got outta the kitchen that guy I like, we'll call him Wheat Barley, will call me this week!

I love you more than bacon.

Butterflyfish said...

love the new blog lay out. love the post

rem said...

oh grace. you wouldn't believe me if i told you how much i can relate to this very story. so i'll just say this...
i do so love you and would do anything for you...cause you are my friend and that's what friends do. and as a 3*&^*^% year old woman, i'm sure you figured out that blood don't always = family. but more importantly, your squid is right. get outta the kitchen!

The Artful Blogger said...

In India, the universal greeting whenever I have visited is not "Great to see you after traveling such a long distance on your dime," or "we really appreciate you traveling from your awesome Chicago place to a house in Indian with an outhouse for 2 weeks." No, the universal greeting is "you have become fat" followed by the relatives PATTING my STOMACH. WTF?

And by the way, you are NOT FAT and look amazing. You too, Squid!!

I, on the other hand, am headed for the gym...

Grace said...

Thanks, Butterflyfish! You inspired me!

Fannie said...

This new blog layout makes you look so skinny!

eddie said...

I'm reading this thinking that your family are all South African, and then what you heard was them saying "fit", but the accent is confusing. More confusing when A'Hottie does it, but that's because hers is Australian/South African, and involves a fascination with leopards. Or lipids. I can never tell. I'm confused, what was I saying?

Oh yes - you are fit. And Christmas is really going to suck this year. Huzzah.

anonymoushottie said...

My dad told me I was fat and nicknamed me "Taco Bell" - I am not sure I ever fully recovered.

But I did run a fucking marathon.

rem said...

My dad used to call me Gizmo from gremlins b/c he thought i looked like it (him?). my grandma called me fat over ever holiday in undergrad until i stopped going...and until i got VERY sick from eating only a half a sleeve a day of saltines for 6 months. then she told me i looked great. 3 christmases ago my dad's wife gave me a sweatshit that would have been baggy on john candy. when i lived in spain my senora told me she can always tell americans by how fat we are. my ex broke up with me for someone who is...well my ex made me feel really ugly and fat, and when the 2 year old with whom i live is with me when i'm getting dressed he always pokes me in the stomach and says "BELLY!". sooooooo...i'd say you're nuthin' but normal grace!

rem said...

wait, grace. do YOU think i look like gizmo?

vcugirl said...

When I was 12, my trophy wife Aunt who lives on a plantation in South Carolina grabbed her tweezers beckoned me to her saying "Come here, you hairy ape."

And it's true, this layout is incredibly flattering.

<3 you and your fit self.

Molly said...

I know it's not the same, but my great-grandmother usually tells me that I'm chubby every time I see her. Though the last time I saw her, she told me that I'm plump, but she meant it in a good way. So who knows anymore and I don't care either...well much anyway.