Friday, November 28, 2008
Thanksgiving: The Aftermath: A Big Fat Play.
Grandma: Hi Gracie, Honey.
Grace: Hi Grandma! It was so great to see you yesterday.
Grandma: Oh, Grace, honey, you too...Listen, I feel terrible for what I said to you yesterday. You know I think you look more beautiful than you've ever looked before. You needed to put on some weight.
Grace: Oh, Grandma! Please don't feel terrible. I didn't think twice about it! (actually I cried driving home. I'm vain like that.) I love you so much!
Grandma: I love you, too, Sweetheart. Grace?
Grace: Yeah, Grandma?
Grandma: I know you're very busy, but please, will you just call me a little more? I miss you so much.
Grace: I miss you, too Grandma.
Grace's Brother, Charlie Manson: Hey.
Grace: Oh... Hey, Charlie Manson. Umm... How are you?
Charlie Manson: Fine...So, what's up?
Grace: Well, since last we talked well over a year ago, I got the job I really wanted, I graduated from law school, I studied for the bar, took the bar, and passed the bar, started my job, got a condo, lost my condo, and moved.
Charlie Manson: Cool. So, I hear Grandma called you fat.
Grace: Uh. Yeah. That happened yesterday. Are you telling me you know that grandma called me fat, but you didn't know that I passed the bar?
Charlie Manson: I don't remember if I knew that or not. Listen, she's old. She's gonnna say fucked up things.
Grace: Charlie Manson, I don't care. Like, at all. It's not a big deal. What is a big deal is the fact that you and Ann Coulter can't be in the same room together.
Charlie Manson: Well, she's a bitch. Sorry you got called fat.
Grace: Hi Mom.
Mom: Hi sweetie. How're you coping?
Mom: You know, after the incident...
Grace: The incident?
Mom: With Grandma. You know... what she said?
Grace: Oh, you mean when she called me fat?
Mom: She did not call you FAT. She told you she was glad you had put on some weight.
Mom: Stop being so difficult. I know you're sensitive, but you are NOT FAT.
Grace: Mom, I seriously don't care. It's fine. Let's just pretend it never happened.
Mom: OK. Just don't go overreacting and throwing everything in your refrigerator away. You're not working in Hollywood anymore. You don't HAVE to be that skinny.
Grace: I won't. I know. I know. (Too late, so what, and yes I do) Mom, I gotta go. I'm meeting some friends.
Mom: No, you're not. You're staying home and avoiding people. Don't lie to me.
Grace: OK. Mom. I gotta go. I'm avoiding people.
Mom: Bye Sweetheart.
Grace: Bye Mom.
Mom: Oh, and Grace?
Grace: Yes, mom.
Mom: You're not fat.
Grace: Um. Thanks. Bye.
Grace's Sister, Ann Coulter: You must be HORRIFIED.
Ann Coulter: Grandma calling you fat!
Grace: Ann Coulter, I REALLY don't care. And by the way, she didn't call me fat. She merely noted that I had put on some weight, which I had, and that I looked great, which, I DO, DAMMIT.
Ann Coulter: Oh, she just threw in that last part because you looked like you were going to cry, and she was trying to backpedal. She thought you looked fat. She didn't want you to get upset.
Grace: Ann Coulter, I DID NOT. I am not that shallow. (yes I am) I was NOT upset!
Ann Coulter: Oh yes you were. I KNOW you.
Grace: Yes, Ann Coulter! You are right. I was upset. I was upset because holidays SUCK, and I have to go to each and every one of them, because if I don't, the rest of you assholes will kill each other. I was upset because Charlie Manson wasn't there, and it made Mom sad. I was upset, because I had spent the morning working in bond court and it made me sad that all of the families of these drug addicts were spending their Thanksgiving morning bonding out their loved ones who were arrested the night before. And it all seemed so hopeless. I was sad that on this day where we were supposed to be giving thanks for everything we have, I couldn't wrap my head around how incredibly unfair the world is. I was upset because dad didn't call to wish me Happy Thanksgiving. I was sad that I don't know how to relate to people anymore. And I was sad because I knew that this was just the beginning of a long holiday season of feeling horrible. So you're right. I was upset.
Ann Coulter: Oh Sweetie. (pause) We could go on a diet together!!!
Grace: Um. OK. Thanks, Ann Coulter. Love you. Gotta go. I'm tired.
Ann Coulter: Yeah, by the way, you REALLY should use that under eye cream I sent you. You looked tired. Bye. Love you.
Grace turns her phone off..
Grace's Phone: You have one new message. First new message...
Grace's Dad: Hi Sweetie. Sorry I didn't call you yesterday. I couldn't find the damn phone. I hope you had a great Thanksgiving, and I love you very much. And I talked to your mom. She told me to tell you that no matter what, you're not fat. Love you. Call me later.
Grace's Dog: You look like a man. A FAT man.
I can't wait for Christmas.