Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Grace's How to Guide for Getting Through the Holidays


1. Don't drink too much.

2. Definitely drink enough.

3. If someone starts crying, ignore them. If that doesn't work, ask them if they wouldn't mind getting something out of your car, and then lock them out of the house. Christmas is tough. No cryin

4. Don't call anyone fat.

5. If someone says something mean to someone else, mention to the hostess how good the gravy is. The next time, mention how beautiful the tree looks.

6. If you regularly take an anti-anxiety pill, don't stop cuz it's Christmas.

7. Don't ask the single people about their dating lives.

8. Don't ask your married friends if there are any hot single people at their place of employment in front of their spouse.

9. Don't talk about abortion. For or against it, it's not Christmas Dinner talk.

10. Don't EVERYBODY bring their dogs.

11. DON'T GET CONFUSED AND CALL ME A PUBLIC DEFENDER. YOU WILL GET CUT!

12. Stop buying your grandmother lotion. She has enough.

13. Don't get arrested. No one likes Christmas bond court.

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!!!

8 comments:

Vernacular said...

I ADORE this!

I would like for you to write an advice column on a regular basis; we could all send in our fucked up questions and get reality-based somewhat-fucked-up answers.

The fascinating part is just how close the coping skills are to Every Sane Person's Means to Surviving Extended Family "Celebrations". Really.

Dear Grace...

-Ann said...

I feel like I should print this out, highlight number 4, and give it to my five year-old niece who just cheerfully told me that I have a fat butt.

Alleged Lady said...

For the record, if someone wanted to call ME a public defender, I would be thrilled. ;)

MERRY CHRISTMAS GRACE!!

Donzell said...

What's wrong with being called a public defender?

Grace said...

Alleged Lady- And I cannot wait until I get to call you that. You will be awesome. Hang in there, Beauty!!!

Donzell- Nothing is wrong with being called a public defender. If that's actually what you do. If, however, you are a prosecutor, and your sister can't seem to remember this simple fact, well... makes me crazy. Nice blog, by the way.

Grace said...

Oh, and Vernacular? Thank you! I might consider that!

Virginia said...

Grace,

You are hilarious. You need to write a book. People would totally buy it. Well, I would.

Kelli said...

I just snorted with laughter so loud that The Boyfriend gave me a very peculiar look and asks, "What the hell brought that out of you?" I didn't know I could make that sound either. Lol.