Thursday, February 21, 2008

Mark The Carpet Man Strikes Again! This Time I Respond.

"Hi Grace! My name is Mark from the near north suburb of Chicago in Des Plaines. You are a Goddess and I’m hoping you would be willing to help me on this very unique fun wild opportunity :) You seem really cool. I hope you might consider.. Please let me know what you think…I am seeking a lady or a group of ladies ages 18-65, willing to literally walk, stand dance, jump on me above the waist for fun or for pics for my Myspace webpage “Chitown Trample. ” Great fun, great way to let loose, vent anger frustrations, and you could be paid cash to do it!! How often do you get a chance to stomp on a guy? LOLNo sex or nudity involved. We will be dressed. I would pay cash if that would be an incentive. Yes, I am for legit. Interested? Want to know more? Not for you? Write me back. Check my profile too!!-I pay $80 for you to walk stand dance jump stomp on me from stomach on up. I would be honored to be Your human doormat!I pay $40 more to have me smell/kiss your tired feet lick your shoes clean. Feel the power of a man groveling at your feet. $120. 00 cash for just one hour of your time. I even pay more if you can REALLY degrade me!! Let’s talk!!I know this must sound crazy. I jsut feel women deserve a chance to let loose, have fun, put a man in his place. Ladies have found it just fun, unique, and some found it to be a great ego boost and powertrip. Plus it’s easy cash. I find it intriguing to do this hope you might, also,

Mark The Carpetman"

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Dear Mark,

Hey! Thanks for the Goddess comment, although I suspect you use that line on all the ladies ;-).

So when I first read your message, I thought it was a joke, but on the off chance that it's real, I'd like to express my potential interest in your proposition. I do, however have some questions.

1. I imagine you have a lot of people take you up on this opportunity, so is it difficult to schedule an appointment? Is there usually a line, and if so, are there appropriate accommodations, such as a waiting room? Is there beer in the waiting room?

2. Do I have to sign any sort of disclaimer? Like what if in the process of walking on you, I hurt you?

3. Do you have to sign a disclaimer? Like what happens if I fall off you? I guess I'm just wondering if, for strict liability purposes, does walking on a person constitute an ultrahazardous activity?

4. Shoes are sort of my "weakness", and the ones I own tend to be quite expensive. Do you just lick the soles of the shoes, or the entire shoe? If you lick the entire shoe, would you mind providing me with the name of the brand of toothpaste you use, so I can make sure it wouldn't damage the leather?

5. When you say "put a man in his place" what do you mean? Is this just physical, or do you enjoy a stern verbal reprimand as well?

6. I appreciate that you respect safety. I would love to bring a few of my girlfriends, but I have to see who would be available. If that's not possible, I might bring my neighbor. She's old, but quite a fireball! I'm assuming that's ok.

7. I hate to go on about the shoe thing, but if I change my mind, and decide I don't want you to lick my shoes, will I still be able to walk on you, with maybe knee high socks?

Just let me know.

All the best,

Grace

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Doing My Part For National Security


I am sooo nervous for our country! I just read that the United States military is "stretched dangerously thin!"

OMG! WTF!! We're, like, running out of soldiers!

Where...can....we...get...more...soldiers? Hmm...

Thinking...thinking...THINKING...

Whew!! Don't worry.

Officers in the military came up with this totally kick ass idea: To improve recruitment efforts, nearly 80 percent [of officers]back "expanding options for legal, foreign permanent residents of the United States to serve in exchange for U.S. citizenship."
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Well, THANK goodness!!! CLEARLY bribing non-U.S. citizens with the promise of citizenship is the very best way of getting hundreds of thousands of ready, willing and able patriots to join the military.

And not at all hypocritical. Or creepy. Or insulting. Or stupid.

As a patriotic American, I really want to do my part, and come up with a couple of other good recruiting ideas.

- Schizophrenics. It's gonna be SO fun!

- My Nana. She's 96, and shanked a ho in her nursing home.

- Al Qaeda. I'm sure as soon as they hear all the great "everywhere we go... people wanna know" songs they'll totally switch sides.

- Siamese twins. But only when one of them wants to. The other one just has to go along. It'd be funny.

- Aborted fetuses. Stem cells trump terrorist cells. Every time.

- Larry Flynt. He's got a killer wheelchair.

- Some of the teletubbies. Tinky Winky can't come.

- Violent Felons = unit cohesion. awesome.

- The cast of "Celebrity Rehab"
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I hope the government takes my suggestions to heart. Because I seriously CANNOT figure out any other ways to intelligently and fairly and honorably replenish our military services.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Shannon Carlson- You need a new job, Baby.

Another really bad commerical, thanks to U.S. Cellular.

"When I went off to college, it was really sad, because my dad was illiterate, and didn't know how to pay his bills. So I pawned him off on Shannon Carlson, who works for minimum wage at US Cellular to take care of his finances so I dont have to feel guilty about running off to keggers at the frat houses! Now, Shannon is saddled with the responsibilites of having a retard for a dad!"

1. The daughter is obviously a huge, selfish bitch.

2. Is U.S. Cellular trying to curb the number of job applications it receives? Because nothing says "try a waitressing gig" like "Here at U.S. Cellular, we expect our employees to handle the finances of middle aged illiterate white guys."

3. Just to be certain, if I am EVER in Shannon Carlson's line, and I'm late for the bar because she's reading Dick and Jane to to some illiterate dicksmack, shit's gonna get real ugly.

4. How frustrating do you think text messaging would be for that dude? I'd have a lot of fun with that if I worked for U.S. Cellular.

That's all.


Oh, and Daisy said my blog was excellent, and presented me with this:
Thanks, Daisy!
I present it to Fannie's Room. She's very smart, and she is an excellent writer, and if you aren't already reading her, you're seriously missing out.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Post Meme

OK. Every once in a while, memes are fun. If you don't think so. Don't read. No one's making you.

This one's from the lovely and talented Silly Little Law Student.

Here are the rules: Post about the meme and link back to the person who tagged you and go back to your archives and link to your five favorite posts.Link One: must be about familyLink Two: must be about friendsLink Three: must be about yourselfLink Four: must be about something you loveLink Five: can be anything you choose.

1. Family: As a rule, I don't post often about my family, because as a rule, they aren't usually very funny. Here are some letters from the loved ones, though.

2. Friends: My friends are awesome, filthy, geniuses.

3. Me: Really? Does anyone wonder why I'm single?

4. Something I love: Wow... I love so many things. SoI guess I'll choose prescription drugs.

5. Anything I choose: This is hard!! It's like making a "best of" compilation. I'm choosing four. Because it's my fucking blog and I can.

-I use the word "vagina" 17 times in this post!
-Daisy and I really inspired some charitable, alcoholic minds!.
-I have to include my dead junkie. Not because it's funny, but just because I still miss him.
-And of course, The Freddy Awards. I hate these assholes.

And that's it. Hope you enjoy.

I'm tagging Harmless Error, Daisy, and Anonymous Hottie.

Oh. Obsquatch, you're tagged, too.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Nyquil Commercial- The one With the Roommate

You know which one I'm talking about, right?

The girl is walking around her apartment looking like shit, obviously feeling like shit, and her overly perky roommate comes home, and says "oh my god!!! Are you sick? You need nyquil!" and then she goes and gets nyquil for her roommate, and then goes on with the whole "you'll sleep like a baby, or like a puppy or like a blah blah blah," and then the sick roommate says "like before I had a roommmate?"

You know what? That's a fucking bitchy thing to say. You know, the perky roommate was the one who GAVE you the fucking nyquil, Bitch. Without it, you wouldn't be sleeping at all. Why don't you act a little grateful?

And THAT'S why I don't have roommates. Well, no. I don't have roommates because I hate most people. But if I gave my roommate my nyquil and she acted like that, I would shove the whole bottle down her bitchy little throat.

And tell her to move her ass out by the end of the month.

I went out and got my own nyquil today. Because I'm sick. Everything hurts.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Football

Why I Love It:

- Daytime drinking
- Gambling
- Screaming at television sets
- Chicken Wings
- Having the sound of thousands cheering fans in the background of my condo every Sunday morning, so I can pretend the fans are really cheering for the good job I'm doing with the Swiffer.
- Daytime drinking
- Tom Brady
- Gisele Bundchen
- That black tar under the eyes, which I think would look sexy in the courtroom.

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Why I Don't

- It's mostly kinda boring

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That being said- Go Giants!

This decision is based on two factors. 1. Harmless Error is in New York and might be rooting for them. 2. Namby Pamby is rooting for New England. So there's something evil there.


****UPDATE******

Football is awesome