Monday, February 09, 2009

Updates and Thanks

Wow. Just so you all know, I keep on reading over the comments from my last post. Thanks, well... to almost all of you.

First off, to the anonymous poster who said I should have told him I was a dyke, and maybe the cab driver would have left me alone:

I know you meant that to somehow hurt me, or offend me, but you didn't. You're just another one of the anonymous assclowns that bloggers just have to put up with. Since you asked though, Yes, I did, in fact, tell him that I "dated women". And then he told me the really gross and painful thing he planned to do to me (that I had to repeat in open court, which was SUPER fun), and then he assaulted me. So, I guess your theory was wrong. So, there you go. I hope you're happy. Oh, and fuck you, of course.

Second, to all the people who said they'd kick his ass/punch him in the nuts, etc... Thanks. What girl doesn't need an army of nut punchers at her side?The idea made me all warm and fuzzy. But let's just all agree that violence is not the answer. I say that mostly because I think the sleazy defense attorney reads my blog, and I don't want him to construe anything that I (or anyone else on this blog) may say as a threat.

Which brings me to another point. I am really disturbed that the sleazy defense attorney found my blog. Here's why: while a significant number of people know my real identity (I don't keep it that much of a secret) very few people, until now, know about the assault. And then there are even fewer people who know about both, and even fewer people knew who the sleazy defense attorney was. So, basically, all I can come up with is that someone in my small circle of trusted friends told Sleazy Defense Attorney about this blog. And I don't understand why they would do that.

I mean, I guess the private investigator that was hired to find out all sorts of dish on me could have uncovered it, but I just don't know how he would. Hey, if any private investigators read this blog, and want to fill me in, let me know. Then maybe I won't feel like someone in my inner circle really sucks.

Anyway, I REALLY don't want this blog to turn into some whiny, self-indulgent ranty blog, because I do enjoy having, you know, readers. So I will try not to go on and on. But, just for a little perspective, in an eight day time span, the cabdriver trial started. On the same day, I got promoted and transferred to a new assignment so I am now in a courtroom every day prosecuting criminal cases, I had to take my first days off however, to go and testify at the cabdriver trial. Then he was found not guilty. Then I had a meltdown. Then I had to go back to work, then I had to take more time off of my new assignment because I had an oral argument before the Illinois Appellate Court, which next to testifying at the cabdriver trial, was the most intimidated I had ever felt. But I did an ok job, and I am pretty sure I won. It was a busy 8 days. In those 8 days, I slept only about 5 hours total, and lost ten pounds.

Now it's Sunday. And it's really quiet. I'm in bed. My dog is asleep next to me. Everything should feel peaceful, but of course it doesn't. All I'm doing is worrying about the stupidest shit. What am I going to do if I see the cabdriver somewhere? There's no order of protection in effect, so he can just hang out wherever I am. Not like he'd want to, but since I do work in a government building, he may HAVE to. What if I run into the defense attorney? What if I run into the judge? What if I run into a juror? How can I arrange it so I only hang out in areas where you have to pass though a metal detector to be in? Why aren't there metal detectors in my gym, on the el, at my favorite brunch place. At the dog park? LIFE NEEDS MORE FUCKING METAL DETECTORS.

A lot of people keep on saying that I was brave. I totally don't understand that. There's nothing brave about me. Maybe if I were granted a do-over, then I would have been brave. Not now though. I appreciate the sentiment, though. And by the way, writing about it, also does not make me brave. At least not in this forum. Don't forget. I am not Grace. This blog is anonymous. Well, semi-anonymous. You know what I mean.

OK. I got off the point. The fucking point of this post was to thank you all for your really thoughtful comments, and to tell you that I am not dead, because I know I haven't been returning a lot of phone calls and texts. So thanks. And I am not dead. Just a little fucked up.

PS. I've decided that all posts that have to do with the cabdriver will have pictures of annoyingly fucking cute cats. So that way you will be immediately tipped off that it might not be a happy post.


Erin said...

I think it was brave to report it, to have the kit done, to stand up in court and testify. I know those things seem like what you HAD to do, but so many women ... don't. I almost didn't. And as for being fucked up after the experience ... all of us are. I didn't leave my house. I cried, I screamed. The point is, you did it.

I wish I could tell you that it will all go away one day. That would be a lie. But it gets SO much better than right now. It does. I promise it does. You've just got to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep going to work, the gym, the dog park. And, of course, let yourself be what ever you need to be to process.

Just please, don't let that scumbag of a cab driver dictate how you will live. You're a far too beautiful person for that.

rem said...

I'm not sure about brave. I haven't given myself enough time to process what I've just read. But I will say important. B/c you wrote about many of the afters. A lot of people think, Assault. Trial. Back to life. And that's bullshit. Thank you for mentioning all of the slow-motion blurs (that makes sense to me. i'm not sure it does to anyone else). That it doesn't just go away after the trial. I second a lot of what Erin says. And I'd like to add, use us. You read your comments. SO MANY people love you and would do anything to make you feel a tiny bit safer or...shit, even normal for a period. You already know I love you, but I'm just gonna keep on saying it. I love you. I suppose I could learn to be a metal detector. xo

JD said...

Hey Grace,

I don't know you - but I have read your blog on and off for the past year or so. I just wanted to tell you that everything you have done in this situation qualifies as brave. Most people hide and hope that the pain will go away. It took guts to report what happened and to testify.

I can't quite rap my head around a jury acquitting this guy -- but I do wish there was something I could do to help.

I know that violence is not the answer -- but I do wish we could shame the cabbie and the defense attorney. Maybe just burning the word rapist into the guy's lawn. Or better yet - I'd would gladly run a campaign to identify this guy to all potential cab customers. None of that makes up for what he did -- but as far as I can tell - he should be ashamed and living in fear.

I hope things get better...take care,


rem said...

wait...can we do that stuff, JD? other lawyers?

JD said...

Well - I guess the burning words onto his lawn isn't legal...but I assume that there is a public record of his arrest and charging right? Why can't a group of us advertise that he was charged with raping a passenger?

Daisy Duke said...

Hey guys, I *think* doing some of that stuff might start crossing into the grey area of slander. Not that I agree with it (personally I think said cab driver should be rotting in hell finding out what it is like to be a little man) but just be careful? I don't want anyone getting into trouble.

Grace. I love you so much. I'm proud of you for talking about this because I think it might give someone else courage to stand up for themselves. And that in itself is pretty awesome/brave/good.

m-m-m-melissa said...

i don't know you at all. i found your blog through someone else's and have been reading it for ages. i think you're hilarious, and i was really sad to read about what you've been going through. i decided to comment for the first time on your blog on this post, to tell you that, while you may not feel brave, you may feel fucked up, you may be losing sleep and mulling over all of it in your head, you are a tough cookie, best as i can tell. and to be completely honest about what you've been through, how it didn't turn out right, and how you're coping with it now, is certainly BRAVE by most people's standards. and if any of your friends gave away this blog address to that lawyer, then they are bullshit. the truth about that will come out eventually. like i said, i don't know you, so i won't offer any unsolicited advice. i just wanted to put in my two cents. good luck, "grace."

Dysfunction Junction said...

I don't know if I've got anything particulary eloquent to say. Just know that I'm infinitely glad I met you and infinitely here for you for whatever & whenever you need.

And I'm more than ok with the cat pictures...just make sure they always have food in them as well.

Squid vindaloo said...

I can't wait to be on vacation in the same city as you.

Oh, and your self-deprecation is getting really old. You used to tell me the same thing, and now you need to hear it.

What you did was brave. It is so brave it is obvious. The fact that you do not think so is, for some reason, kind of insulting to someone who was not brave enough to do so, because it's like you take it for granted.

So here's something else that's obvious (I am taking this opportunity to give you unsolicited advice, because, well, I dunno, maybe I'm still hurt that when I tried to tell you a story about me that only one other person in the world knows, something that is really painful to share, you told me you couldn't hear it, or maybe not, I dunno, but just deal with it): life is what you make of it. You don't have to feel scared. What you do have to do is take precautions to keep yourself safe, just like every other person on the planet. The remarkable thing about life is that you are in control of your mind and your body, even though it usually feels like you're not.

That's all. Sorry if I'm harsh. I love you so deal with it. Also, I had delicious Indian food for dinner so perhaps the spices coursing through my veins emboldened me or something.

vcugirl said...

Thanks for sharing and being brave, Grace.

No, really.

anonymoushottie said...

So the 'Twilight' people totally stole our idea for the candy hearts but they are using Necco wafers which aren't really the same.

And I am still totally laughing about "Urine 4 a treat" - which doesn't have anything to do with anything, but you made me laugh a lot which I thought you should know.

I will never look at clam juice the same way again (assuming that I ever had preconceived notions about clam juice . . .).

JD said...

Hey Daisy Duke -- I thought truth was the ultimate defense to charges of slander (oral) and libel (written). The question is whether the state law recognizes slander pee any case - I don't mean to do anything that would cause Grace any more pain. I just wish that this guy could feel what Grace is feeling. Maybe then he would have the decency to be ashamed of what he did.

JD said...

I meant slander per se -- but slander pee se sounds like something that people should be protected from too..

Anonymous said...

My son and his gf were carjacked on a busy Chicago street a couple of years ago. My son had a gun to his head. I can hardly think about it. He was so close to being murdered it still makes me a little dizzy whenever it crosses my mind. I was in law school when it happened and I was sure that justice would be served. THere were some really good leads, including a videotape of them using one of the stolen credit cards at a gas station about 1/2 hour after the carjacking. The interesting thing is that they were also filling the tank of another car with a clearly visible license plate. All of the perps were clearly showing their faces and laughing their asses off. But, for some reason, the detective just wasn't interested in pursuing any of this and the case just withered away. It makes me furious to think my son and his gf were so close to dying for a damn car and no one in the Chicago PD really gave a shit. They got let down by the system and so did you. I don't know why I told you this except that I just thought it would make you feel better for some stupid reason. But, actually, it is kinda dumb to think it would isn't it. I am sorry. I am one of the anonymous criminal defense lawyers that posted on your previous post. Your story reminds me of the night my son and his gf were carjacked. I just wanted to drive on up to Chi-town and take them in my arms and hold them. That is what I want to do for you but I don't know you so you might have me arrested. But, I am hugging you in my heart.

The Laundress said...

Grace, I'm so sorry that the sleazy defense lawyer found your blog, and I really, really hope that you're wrong about how he did, but you know, maybe since he's had to read about the after-effects of his methods, he'll be a better lawyer in the future...I don't know, that's probably too optimistic (read: foolish and naive), but here's to hoping. Anyway, keep it up with the funny pictures of the fur-jerks (a new nickname coined this evening when one of my two fur-jerks homicided a lovely house plant that I've had for more than 10 years.) Funny pictures of fur-jerks make everything better. That, and pie. Or cake. If it helps, I'd be happy to leave a baked good in a prearranged location for you. What's your poison? Cherry pie? Cupcakes? Oh, by the way, I know I'm a lying mf-er, but I do promise to write more soon. I have a doozy of a story regarding a biscuit. It doesn't sound scandalous, but man is it ever.

mitsi said...

Honey--I have been a little out of the loop and just catching up on all of this...while you have heard it a hundred times over and will continue, i am sure, forgive me and allow me to add one more. i am so sorry all of this happend, every last drop. but i too think you are so brave for standing up to this douche bag. and i am so proud of you for getting out of bed, and going to work, and just for keeping on. You may not see it but it is true. It may not mean much, but know that hundreds of people, literally, are pulling for you and thinking of you and sending warm thoughts your way! this lil beaverlick included.
On a lighter note, congrats on the new post! i hope you are finding it more fulfilling and i hope to give you a ginormous hug soon!

Anonymous said...

Grace, I'm truly shocked by what you've had to go through. The fact that you are still making us smile despite all of this is a credit to you. Please keep up the good work.


(from the very wet and cold England).

Bar Daze said...

Dear Grace,

There just aren't words to say how sorry I am for all that you've been through. See, those words just fall flat and lay there on the page . . . hardly inspiring or comforting, although very true. But your words, Grace ~ are powerful and clear and read far more people than you know. I've been reading your blog since we were both studying for the bar exam; less frequently now, but it is the only one I've continued to read. Whether you are writing about your friend who died, loud talkers, cold days, conversations with your dog, or the hardest and most painful crap that life can throw at you . . . your words bring so many people together to think, laugh, even cry - and they are one of the things that will get you back on your feet, taller and stronger than ever. I started as a prosecutor too, and even though private practice offers more financial rewards, I hope someday to be able to go back to it. You will make such a difference in your work - sadly, probably more so because of your experience. And you will never be able to know what your words here mean to your readers. So many comments and responses, but so many more who read but don't share. I almost didn't ~ nothing I, another stranger, could add to the love and strength offered, but your presence on this blog, your humor, your anger, your . . . your . . . YOU-ness -- has been one of those rare things that on the worst of days I can plug into and be a little recharged. I wish that all of us could somehow give a little of that soul-quenching nurture back to you. Maybe you've been able to take some of it in and heal. As far as being able to understand and deal? You may not. You just have to go on, and it will be less traumatic as time goes on. You still have to wash your socks, after all, and find that in the routine and the mundane, having to make the coffee and feed the dog, you gravitate back to your life and leave the pain, the bad, the "thing(s) that happened" back where they happened because you do go on. And Grace? Please come back. We miss you.

Anonymous said...

the agents wife loves you very much. i miss you. come to the D if you need some rest and recovery, i will cook and we will drink a lot of wine while writing act 3 of fast car. Tracy would want it that way... All jokes aside i would fight for you, literally brawl, all 5'3 of me. hugs.

A Girl said...

Hello Grace,

first off, let me say that whole affair sucks :( I'm not sure what else to say, what else I can say so let me get right to the point:

I'd guess that your blog is really easy to find. First off, I've been reading for about five minutes and I already know that you are female, lesbian, moved to Chigago from L.A., recently dyed your hair from blond to brown, have a dog and I assume that you are single.

Now, I cannot easily find your blog on Google, but even if you have asked it not to be indexed, there is no guarantee that it hasn't been. I know that mine was. Secondly, there are other ways to do it. A lot of other blogs link here - all you have to do is to start with blogs about law, and then jump the links until you find a blog that fits the profile you are working from. Cross-reference with the details and Voila! ... it rarely takes more than a few hours.

So, anything written in a blog like this might as well be considered public and signed by your real name. Write a few personal details, link to a couple of RL friends and you are findable, at least to anyone willing to put in the effort.

Trust me - I'm willing to bet it wasn't your friends who sold you out.

Take care of yourself out there,