Tuesday, March 03, 2009

A 4AM rant. Totally Not Worth Reading.


I've tried to write something several times now that wasn't depressing or whiny or whatever. And honestly, it just didn't sound right. It sounded false. And not at all funny. And I wish it didn't, because being funny is way better, but I guess the fact is there's not a lot that's fucking funny right now.

It's 4 fucking am. I went to sleep at about 1 am. That's 3 hours of fucking sleep. Which is sort of the standard lately. Ever since the fucking trial, it's like I've gone back in time to when it happened. Can't sleep. Even with Ambien. Can't get anything done.

I sort of knew, (because crappy books which never should have been bought told me so), that after the trial I would be a little emotionally... disheveled. And I was ok with that. Because I completely assumed that the cab driver would be convicted, and although testifying would be hard, it would be fairly easy to pick myself up, dust myself off and move on, because ultimately, the world was better and safer. Well that last part didn't happen. And the world is not better, and not safer. And I can't fucking sleep. And there are WAY too many cabs in the city of Chicago.

Oh, and by the way, giving up meat and dairy and caffeine is stupid. I am sticking to it, because I am not a quitter, but seriously, what the fuck was I thinking? It is a FACT, that the three best things in life, besides wine, are steak, cheese, and Diet Coke. That can't ever change. Not possible. I love them so much that if I could, I would wear a suit made out of steak, my bra and underwear would be made out of cheese, and I'd have a wreath of diet coke cans on my head like a tiara. I gave up cigarettes a couple of years ago. Shouldn't that be enough?

Oh, and another thing. My dog is useless. She's just lying next to me, asleep. As if nothing ever is wrong. I want to be my dog. She's so... content.

A few weekends ago, I went back to Los Angeles to visit friends. It probably wasn't the smartest trip to take, because a lot of people out there don't know what happened, so I spent a lot of time answering the question "How ARE you?" with a big fat fake fucking grin and then going on about how AWESOME everything in my life is and how happy and ok I am. It was exhausting. One night, a big group of us were leaving dinner, and we got into a car accident. The car behind us, also filled with my friends, just slammed right into us. Thankfully no one was hurt at all. As we all got out to check the cars and each other for damage, I actually breathed a sigh of relief. I wish it was solely because no one was hurt, but it wasn't. It was also because this time that crunchy, awful, smashy, noisy, car-accident-y feeling that had been recurring on a loop in my mind and body for the last few weeks, actually was a car accident. And not something else. So fucked up. This is who I've become. Awesome. Fucking awesome.

Ok.. it's 5:00 now. This post sucks. My dog is snoring. Time to go check Facebook.

10 comments:

rem said...

again, fuck. just fuck.

VERNACULAR said...

It is utterly The Suck when you have to pretend for people.

I hope that a close, genuine friend shows up at your place with a steak covered in portobello mushrooms and cheese and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

I don't know you. But, I had a similar incident seven years ago. Please be kind to yourself, when possible.

Kristine said...

Have wine. Will send.

LAw DAze said...

rem said it. is there anything remote strangers who try to send good thoughts, prayers and wishes could actually do? i totally would. if i lived in a totally hip swinging apartment in dallas or austin or a rustic but elegant lakeside cabin i'd offer a weekend or weeklong getaway, but i just have a regular old house in a small town (a full hour or more from dallas) with no stop lights and a sonic drive in. there is a lake outside town and its nice but i have no boat. i know it sounds trite when you are where you are but time will make a significant difference. unfortunately it sucks so bad right now and i don't know how long it will be before you re able to feel like this is behind you but i promise you will. love and hugs and i'd suggest talking to your useless dog, but i've read his/her take on the human world so maybe that's not a great idea. hang in there, grace.

rem said...

no way. the dog will just make you feel bad about yourself by always being so damn perfect. who the hell is THAT perfect, ALL of the time?! it's annoying.

Anonymous said...

maybe we let the dog loose on the perp and the ovely nasty defense atty. There are ways to vigourously defend and even win the most impossible cases without selling yours and everyone elses souls to satan. I'm voting for some karmic non-sleep to you shithead defense attorney for not knowing or not caring about the lines you cross. we got some face-eating pittbulls down here - want me to have one delivered to him as a 'gift' ?

stephan.com said...

I would wear a suit made out of steak, my bra and underwear would be made out of cheese, and I'd have a wreath of diet coke cans on my head like a tiara

God that sounds sexy. I would eat that.

What kind of cheese?

(here's a pic of a meat suit)

Anonymous said...

It sounded far better than it looked.

Anonymous said...

Steak, cheese, and Diet Coke - TOO F'ING RIGHT!!!

virgo1sign said...

Dear Luscious Lips...
I miss you. I love you.
Magic Vag