Sunday, April 05, 2009

The Dog & Me: A Dialogue: Part VI

Me: Why did you have to eat my entire bag of almonds? It's like the one food I am currently able to eat!

Dog: Because if I eat the one food you are currently able to eat, maybe you will die sooner. Why do you ask questions with such obvious answers, Skank?

Me: You don't even LIKE almonds.

Dog: So? I don't like blueberry jolly ranchers either, but I eat them. Why the fuck would I do something like that? Because the only joy in my life is depriving you of things you like. Oh, and making you clean up dog vomit. Get it, Asshole?

Me: You know, you are really abusive and hostile.

Dog: Fuck off, and take me for a walk. Those almonds are gonna hurt coming out. We're gonna be out there for a while.

Me: Great. And five thousand people are going to come up to you and you're going to act all cute, and they're gonna pet you and you're going to act all adorable, because you NEVER say the shit you say when other people are around.

Dog: Why would I? Other people don't repulse me like you do. And of course people are going to come up to me. I'm a DILF.

Me: WHAT... did you just say?

Dog: A DILF. It's a...

Me: Stop right there! Don't finish that sentence.

Dog: You don't want to know what a DILF is?

Me: Stop! I know what a DILF is.

Dog: Ahh... Of course you do, you naughty little tramp.

Me: No! That's not what I mean. I mean, I know where you're going with this. I mean, there's no such thing as a DILF. That's just wrong.

Dog: You're just wrong.

Me: Can't we just go on our walk and put this unpleasantness behind us?


Me: Can't we please discuss something else?

Dog: OK. How about your flabby and untoned arms?

Me: No.

Dog: The dark circles under your eyes?

Me: No. Let's not talk about me at all.

Dog: Ok. Do you think my poop will be blue from the jolly ranchers or almond shamed from the almonds?


Butterflyfish said...

ah hahahaha

Shelley said...

Am snickering at my desk. brilliant!

Fannie said...

"Me: Stop! I know what a DILF is.

Dog: Ahh... Of course you do, you naughty little tramp."

I KNEW this would happen. I blame the Iowa Supreme Court.

The Artful Blogger said...

Soo? Don't leave your loyal viewers in suspense!!! Was "it" almond shaped or Jolly Rancher blue?

Kristine said...

Nicely done. My new puppy is currently eating my sofa. I've yet to engage her in a conversation about it. I'm thinking maybe we'll continue to just leave things unsaid.

whatever said...

Okay, seriously? This is one of the funniest things I've ever read in my entire life.

rem said...

I don't buy it. I've spent a fair amount of time with this beautiful creature and she just doesn't have it in her. She doesn't. Grace, stop this now. STOP THE LIES. come clean about your jealousy of Dog and your efforts to ruin her out of pure bitchy selfishness. It's beneath you Grace. Or is it?

Anonymous said...

PML! God bless Iowa!