Sunday, May 17, 2009



Re: #12. The book is entitled "Are You My Husband?" By Rachel Carpenter.

1. Today I am doing one of my very favorite things. I am sitting in my backyard with my asshole dog. I'm wearing a long flowy summer skirt, a tank top, flipflops and sunglasses. I'm drinking a glass of white wine and I've got my laptop. I just bought some flowers for my deck. My backyard overlooks a park, and although there's a fence blocking my view, I can hear the sounds of very good looking people playing softball. It feels like summer.

2. I know how I am going to die. It's going to be in a snow skiing accident. Here's the thing, though: I don't snow ski. I never have, and now, knowing that's how I am going to die, I am not exactly willing to try it. I think that's a sign that my self-preservation skills aren't as bad as I sometimes think they are.

3. Speaking of death on this lovely almost summer afternoon, I have predicted the deaths of three famous people. Just a few days before Luciano Pavarotti, Rosa Parks, and Jerry Garcia died, I had dreamt they had died.

4. I'm really bad at lists. I use them as excuses to not commit to a topic. Lists in the grocery store would be helpful though. I see people who have lists in the grocery store, and they seem to get in and out of there pretty quick. What they do, the list people, that is, is they start at one end, and buy the stuff on their list as they go. they go up one aisle and down the other. I walk to the center of the store, and decide what I want or need the most. Then I get that. Then I go back to the center of the store, and decide what I want second most. And then I go and get that. And so on. And so on. It's not the best system. I know this.

5. There's a small child staring at me through a window right now. She draws me pictures sometimes because, in her words "that's what good neighbors do." She and her parents live below me, and spend the majority of MY sleeping hours screaming things like "GET A JOB YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" and "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SUCH A CUNT?" Good times, good times.

6. I don't really talk about relationships and stuff like that on this blog. And I will continue to avoid the topic. But I would like to say that I am really bad at relationships. Like, really really bad. And I have horrible instincts. But in my defense, I always TELL the person upfront how the relationship will end, and I am always dead on. If they choose not to believe me, caveat emptor. I think.

7. I really do think I am the stupidest person ever to pass the bar and become a lawyer.

8. I don't mean this in a braggy way, but I feel very very loved by a lot of people. Which is sort of weird. If I were my friend, I would not love me. I would Facebook de-friend myself.

9. I think the two grossest things in life are bananas and cottage cheese.

10. I gave up meat, dairy and caffeine, but it was supposed to be for only a month. And now, I want to ungive it up. But I can't. Because I am treating these things like cigarettes, which I actually DID have an addiction to. And having a piece of delicious smoked gouda is hardly going to have the repercussions as having a delicious marlboro ultra light, but Ive got the whole thing all twisted up in my head now. Like if I have a piece of cheese, It's just a slippery slope to a two pack a day habit. I don't imagine that makes any sense. It's a control thing. Whatever.

11. I have this new internet friend. She's hilarious. Bagels and Kegels. But don't start liking her so much that you stop reading me. I'm selfish like that. But she is way better. So whatever.

12. My sister just bought me a book entitled "Where Are You, Husband?"

13. Soy wasabi almonds are delicious.

14. I am currently in the middle of a huge argument, where I am being called all sorts of names, via text message.

15. I think I need to move back to Southern California. Scott Rose, if I agree to give up all things PC and devote myself to the Mac way of life, can we just get married and get on with it?

16. I am scared of almost nothing. But I am scared of the ball. And I signed up to be on the office softball team. They needed girls.

17. That's all. I'm bored with myself.

17. Is a really good number.

17. Pinot Grigio is delicious.

17. I have a horrible sense of direction. Anytime I ever arrive anywhere that I am supposed to be, it's coincidence.

17. Happy Almost Summer, Everyone.


rem said...

If you move to Southern California can I go with you?

Scott Rose said...

Wow. You don't just have the ability to predict famous people's deaths, you also have the ability to predict what people are going to comment on your blog! Freaky.

By the time I had gotten to #6 and had heeded your warning, I was ALREADY going to write that I am so ready to marry you right now!

You had me at "I can hear the sounds of very good looking people playing softball."

And again at your grocery list system.

And again and again throughout life.

Where shall our honeymoon be?

Sam Sachs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Dear Grace.

As if we weren't already bonded by criminals, sushi, and amazing blonde-ness.... #9 made us friends for life.

Because yes, I do judge my friends on the basis of their opinions of bananas.

Joanna said...

I just ate bananas and cottage cheese. That's all I've had thus far today. Ironic.

1L said...

I used to live across the street from Winnemac Park on Damen and it is true that people who play softball in Chicago are ridiculously good looking. I demand to know how this is possible in a city that prizes deep dish pizza and hot dogs as it's two most notable culinary achievements. I miss that place.

LAw DAze said...

4. Lists can be very satisfying, but you must always draw check boxes beside the item for them to be effective.

5. Perhaps one day you could draw her one back, maybe of her with the whole world before her. Or of your dog (NO caption allowed with dog's thoughts!).

7. Why? I think I hold that title.

8. That's wonderfully nice (the loved part, not the de-friending yourself part).

9. I like bananas, for they have no bones.

9(b). Cottage cheese always seems like butter that just couldn't commit.

10. Don't do it , Grace! You know Gouda is just a gateway cheese!

11. Will check it out, but never, ever give up this.

12. My good friend, Google and his cousin Amazon both said, 'Huh??'

14. What fun if you changed your responses from 'nyah nyha you @&%#!too', or 'am not' to texts like, 'get bread on ur way home' or 'ths staff mtng is BORING.' Just throw them off. Every time.

16. Be the ball.

18. I never did my stolen lines. I suck at life.

Colby said...

13. I have those. Yummy.

15. I dream of moving back to Southern California, too. 5 years later, it's still home to me.

16. The one sport my dad never let me play. Can't throw. Can't catch. Can't swing. It's now a fear of mine. Please no one ever ask me to play.

17. Part III: one of my favorite summer wines.

17. Part IV: Ditto.

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