Saturday, May 09, 2009

My Stolen Lines #4

Feeling both empowered and terrified as I drove into work, I looked up at the sky and started talking.

My name is Grace Law.

FUCKFUCKFUCK. I can’t even get out the beginning lines without fucking up. Ok. Slow down. Start again. MayitpleasetheCourt, MayitpleasetheCourt, Mayitpleasethecourt.

My name is Grace Law.

Oh my GOD. I did it again. I suck. I am an idiot. I am the stupidest person to ever argue in front of the appellate court. How did I ever get into law school? How did I pass the bar? It must have been an error. Why does God hate me so much? Ok. Start again. Don’t be an ass. Just do this.

May it please the Court. Good morning. The Defendant…

Fuck!!! Why can’t I get this right? Good morning is the first fucking thing that I say. Just fucking say it. Try not to suck at everything. “Good morning,” and THEN “may it please the court”.

Good morning, May it please the Court. I took the Which 90210 Character are you, and got Dylan McKay.

How did I get Dylan McKay? He’s the loner bad boy. He rides a motorcycle. I hate motorcycles for God’s sake. I see myself way more as an Andrea. Maybe even a Donna. I’m a Donna with an edge. Or at least a Brandon. Brandon doesn’t dance, I don’t dance. I am a Brandon. I’ll bet Brandon Walsh could do an oral argument. He could have probably done one while he was still at West Beverly! If a high school senior, albeit the class president could do an oral argument, I sure the hell can. Ok go.

Good Morning. May it please the Court. Grace Law on behalf of the people of the state of Illinois.

Wow. That sounded good. Wow. That’s who I am. That’s cool. I can do this. I am meant to do this. I know this case. I know the issues. I know the law. I’ve practiced this. I’m not scared. OK, do it again, and keep on going…

Good Morning. May it please the Court. Grace Law on behalf of the people of the state of Illinois. The defendant was in no way prejudiced by…

MotherFUCKER. Don’t forget the threshold issue! Do NOT forget the threshold issue. Maybe I am a Dylan McKay. He does tend to do his own thing. He’s a loner. I’m a loner. He can’t sustain relationships. I can’t sustain relationships. He’s brooding. He wears a lot of black. He’s got good hair. I’m brooding, well, sometimes I’m brooding. I wear a lot of black. I have good hair. My hair does resemble Kelli’s though. Am I a Kelli? Noooo, I’m no Kelli. At least I am self aware enough to know I’m not a Kelly. That's a good thing, right?

Good Morning. May it please the Court. Grace Law on behalf of the people of the state of Illinois. As a threshold matter, because the defendant failed to preserve the issue by including it in any post-trial motions or objecting at the time, the issue is procedurally barred.

Yeah. That sounded pretty good. That sounded lawyer-ey. Wait, that’s correct, though, isn’t it? Yeah. Yeah, it’s right. Of course it’s right. I know this. Oh my God, I am going to fuck up my first oral argument. And then the justices are going to call my boss, and tell her to fire me because I make a mockery out of the entire legal system. The cabdriver. Was that really just last week? Did that really happen? Stop. You don’t have time for that. Be a Brandon Walsh. Get back to your oral argument, Brandon Walsh.

Good Morning. May it please the Court. Brandon Walsh on behalf of the people of the state of Illinois…

*I Stole the first line of this post from Stay Tuned, by Jenniffer Weigel. This is part of my ongoing Stolen Lines Experiment. Feel free to play along. This one was hard, though! I'll try to pick an easier line to work with next time.

Update: Stolen Lines By:

The Shire Smarty
The Amazing Jane Know, who I love so much
Brand new blogger, The Rambling Law Student
The Artful Blogger
Colby in the City
Five Tomatoes To Freedom


The Artful Blogger said...

Could have been worse-you could have delivered your argument as Steve Sanders or David Silver. And remember that you WON the argument, so does that mean you are part Brandon/part Dylan?

Sam Sachs said...

This was super-cool. I enjoyed this stream of consciousness piece immensely.

Colby said...

Well done. Love the blending of real life and 90210. Inspired.

Kelli said...

I couldn't get into this part of the series. Don't know why. I did several drafts. It was a hard one.

I added you to my gmail chat (I saw the post on my google reader, although you seem to have deleted the post now...)

So accept my invite. And entertain my bored ass as well.