Sunday, May 31, 2009

Dear Little Girl Who Lives Below Me,

I heard you and your family outside in the backyard today. I was stuck on my couch all day feeling like shit. I lifted my head long enough to peek out my window into the back yard we share. You all were out there. Having a little family barbecue. Your mom and dad were sitting at the table together. Your little sister was bouncing around a bit, and she seemed pretty happy. Your back was to me, and you were coloring on the walkway in pastel chalk.

At first I was happy for you. You all seemed like such a normal little family. Like a family that didn't scream at each other in the middle of the night every fucking night. For some reason, I just kept watching. I noticed that although your parents were sitting next to each other, they certainly weren't talking. Your mom was staring vacantly into the neighbor's yard. Your dad was tapping his foot impatiently, as if he couldn't WAIT to get the fuck away from her. Your little sister was acting pretty normal. And so were you. you were wearing a cute little green dress with purple stripes. And you were drawing pictures of a little girl wearing a little green dress with purple stripes. And the little chalk girl had a big frowney face. And on her little chalk face were little chalk tears.

Sweetie, that was the saddest thing I'd ever seen. You don't deserve that. I am so sorry. Here are some things that I really want you to know.

1. Honey, your dad is a fucking hick. Really. He's disgusting. There's a reason your mom left him, (even though she took him back). He's an asshole. Just as I was coming back from the store today, he came outside and asked if he could talk to me for a second. I stopped and listened as he apologized for the other night when there was glass breaking, you and your sister crying and he was screaming at your mom. Stupidly, I had actually gone downstairs to intervene. I only did it because I heard you crying. So anyway, your dad apologized. And here's why your dad's an asshole: He said "these things happen, you know?" Well, you know what, honey? No they don't. Not always. And certainly they shouldn't happen in front of you. You don't deserve that. You deserve to have parents who care so much about you that no matter how mad they get, they put it fucking aside. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a parenting expert. I don't have kids. But I have parents. And they got divorced, and they had rocky times. But they NEVER fought in front of me. Why? Because not scaring me was more important than any ugly thing they could possibly scream at each other in front of me. You deserve that. I'm sorry you don't get it.

2. Your mom, honey... well, she's kind of a harpy. And shrill as all get-out. I know this because the sound of her screaming "Get a fucking job you son of a bitch bastard" wakes me up at least twice a week. I could live with that, if I didn't hear you crying, too. ALSO, your mom is bad for yelling at you the way she yells at you. WHO CARES that you didn't pick up all your toys? In the grand scheme of things, Honey, you not picking up your toys, doesn't fucking matter. And here's what really sucks about how she screams at you: She won't remember each and every time she screamed at your throughout your childhood, but I bet you will. She might even later forget altogether that she EVER screamed at you. But you will remember. It's not fair. I hope that when you get older, you can put this into perspective, and realize that's she's the bad one. Not you.

3. Sweetie, it won't always be like this. Someday, you'll be old enough to drink.

4. I don't think your parents think much of themselves. And I don't think they think much of you. It's a shame, because you are a beautiful and precious and funny little person. TRUST ME, when you are older, people will see you for the wonderful extraordinary and sweet person you are. And, worst case scenario, you end up a stripper, you will ROCK that stripper pole like its never been rocked before. I promise you that.

5. I think your parents give your little sister way more positive attention than they give you. I'm sorry for that. But here's something I know. That girl has cankles in her future. Bad ones. You're going to be fine.

6. I don't imagine you are going to live here for long. It's a little too small for your family. And you are just young enough that you probably won't remember me. But I need to tell you that I will never forget you, and your crying chalk self. And for the rest of your life, I will be rooting for you. And I will always hope your future chalk drawings only have smiley faces.



Thursday, May 28, 2009

Meet Ingrid:

I know what you all are thinking. I have a history. I can't handle another fish. It hasn't been that long since I lost Beth. But I can do it. I am ready to love again.

Ingrid is gentle. There's a quiet wisdom in her fins, yet, a fierce tenacity. I think we can be happy together.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Stolen Lines #5

OK, so the last one didn't go so well. Most people told me they didn't like the line. I'll post a much better line Monday June 1st. And hopefully, people will like it better. Because it's only cool and fun when people participate.

Sorry it's been dead around the blog lately. I just have nothing interesting to say. I have the deposition happening this week. It's going to be fine. I won't die. Or maybe I will. Probably not though. It's weird, all my friends who do criminal law are not at all worried for me. My friends who do civil law, are telling me to expect the worst. We'll see...

Anyway, I just want to remind everyone to take a moment enjoy the beauty that is the best music video of our time. I have watched it 1o times just today. Check it out. Thanks Artful for reminding me that true geniusness really exists.

Sunday, May 17, 2009



Re: #12. The book is entitled "Are You My Husband?" By Rachel Carpenter.

1. Today I am doing one of my very favorite things. I am sitting in my backyard with my asshole dog. I'm wearing a long flowy summer skirt, a tank top, flipflops and sunglasses. I'm drinking a glass of white wine and I've got my laptop. I just bought some flowers for my deck. My backyard overlooks a park, and although there's a fence blocking my view, I can hear the sounds of very good looking people playing softball. It feels like summer.

2. I know how I am going to die. It's going to be in a snow skiing accident. Here's the thing, though: I don't snow ski. I never have, and now, knowing that's how I am going to die, I am not exactly willing to try it. I think that's a sign that my self-preservation skills aren't as bad as I sometimes think they are.

3. Speaking of death on this lovely almost summer afternoon, I have predicted the deaths of three famous people. Just a few days before Luciano Pavarotti, Rosa Parks, and Jerry Garcia died, I had dreamt they had died.

4. I'm really bad at lists. I use them as excuses to not commit to a topic. Lists in the grocery store would be helpful though. I see people who have lists in the grocery store, and they seem to get in and out of there pretty quick. What they do, the list people, that is, is they start at one end, and buy the stuff on their list as they go. they go up one aisle and down the other. I walk to the center of the store, and decide what I want or need the most. Then I get that. Then I go back to the center of the store, and decide what I want second most. And then I go and get that. And so on. And so on. It's not the best system. I know this.

5. There's a small child staring at me through a window right now. She draws me pictures sometimes because, in her words "that's what good neighbors do." She and her parents live below me, and spend the majority of MY sleeping hours screaming things like "GET A JOB YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" and "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SUCH A CUNT?" Good times, good times.

6. I don't really talk about relationships and stuff like that on this blog. And I will continue to avoid the topic. But I would like to say that I am really bad at relationships. Like, really really bad. And I have horrible instincts. But in my defense, I always TELL the person upfront how the relationship will end, and I am always dead on. If they choose not to believe me, caveat emptor. I think.

7. I really do think I am the stupidest person ever to pass the bar and become a lawyer.

8. I don't mean this in a braggy way, but I feel very very loved by a lot of people. Which is sort of weird. If I were my friend, I would not love me. I would Facebook de-friend myself.

9. I think the two grossest things in life are bananas and cottage cheese.

10. I gave up meat, dairy and caffeine, but it was supposed to be for only a month. And now, I want to ungive it up. But I can't. Because I am treating these things like cigarettes, which I actually DID have an addiction to. And having a piece of delicious smoked gouda is hardly going to have the repercussions as having a delicious marlboro ultra light, but Ive got the whole thing all twisted up in my head now. Like if I have a piece of cheese, It's just a slippery slope to a two pack a day habit. I don't imagine that makes any sense. It's a control thing. Whatever.

11. I have this new internet friend. She's hilarious. Bagels and Kegels. But don't start liking her so much that you stop reading me. I'm selfish like that. But she is way better. So whatever.

12. My sister just bought me a book entitled "Where Are You, Husband?"

13. Soy wasabi almonds are delicious.

14. I am currently in the middle of a huge argument, where I am being called all sorts of names, via text message.

15. I think I need to move back to Southern California. Scott Rose, if I agree to give up all things PC and devote myself to the Mac way of life, can we just get married and get on with it?

16. I am scared of almost nothing. But I am scared of the ball. And I signed up to be on the office softball team. They needed girls.

17. That's all. I'm bored with myself.

17. Is a really good number.

17. Pinot Grigio is delicious.

17. I have a horrible sense of direction. Anytime I ever arrive anywhere that I am supposed to be, it's coincidence.

17. Happy Almost Summer, Everyone.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

My Stolen Lines #4

Feeling both empowered and terrified as I drove into work, I looked up at the sky and started talking.

My name is Grace Law.

FUCKFUCKFUCK. I can’t even get out the beginning lines without fucking up. Ok. Slow down. Start again. MayitpleasetheCourt, MayitpleasetheCourt, Mayitpleasethecourt.

My name is Grace Law.

Oh my GOD. I did it again. I suck. I am an idiot. I am the stupidest person to ever argue in front of the appellate court. How did I ever get into law school? How did I pass the bar? It must have been an error. Why does God hate me so much? Ok. Start again. Don’t be an ass. Just do this.

May it please the Court. Good morning. The Defendant…

Fuck!!! Why can’t I get this right? Good morning is the first fucking thing that I say. Just fucking say it. Try not to suck at everything. “Good morning,” and THEN “may it please the court”.

Good morning, May it please the Court. I took the Which 90210 Character are you, and got Dylan McKay.

How did I get Dylan McKay? He’s the loner bad boy. He rides a motorcycle. I hate motorcycles for God’s sake. I see myself way more as an Andrea. Maybe even a Donna. I’m a Donna with an edge. Or at least a Brandon. Brandon doesn’t dance, I don’t dance. I am a Brandon. I’ll bet Brandon Walsh could do an oral argument. He could have probably done one while he was still at West Beverly! If a high school senior, albeit the class president could do an oral argument, I sure the hell can. Ok go.

Good Morning. May it please the Court. Grace Law on behalf of the people of the state of Illinois.

Wow. That sounded good. Wow. That’s who I am. That’s cool. I can do this. I am meant to do this. I know this case. I know the issues. I know the law. I’ve practiced this. I’m not scared. OK, do it again, and keep on going…

Good Morning. May it please the Court. Grace Law on behalf of the people of the state of Illinois. The defendant was in no way prejudiced by…

MotherFUCKER. Don’t forget the threshold issue! Do NOT forget the threshold issue. Maybe I am a Dylan McKay. He does tend to do his own thing. He’s a loner. I’m a loner. He can’t sustain relationships. I can’t sustain relationships. He’s brooding. He wears a lot of black. He’s got good hair. I’m brooding, well, sometimes I’m brooding. I wear a lot of black. I have good hair. My hair does resemble Kelli’s though. Am I a Kelli? Noooo, I’m no Kelli. At least I am self aware enough to know I’m not a Kelly. That's a good thing, right?

Good Morning. May it please the Court. Grace Law on behalf of the people of the state of Illinois. As a threshold matter, because the defendant failed to preserve the issue by including it in any post-trial motions or objecting at the time, the issue is procedurally barred.

Yeah. That sounded pretty good. That sounded lawyer-ey. Wait, that’s correct, though, isn’t it? Yeah. Yeah, it’s right. Of course it’s right. I know this. Oh my God, I am going to fuck up my first oral argument. And then the justices are going to call my boss, and tell her to fire me because I make a mockery out of the entire legal system. The cabdriver. Was that really just last week? Did that really happen? Stop. You don’t have time for that. Be a Brandon Walsh. Get back to your oral argument, Brandon Walsh.

Good Morning. May it please the Court. Brandon Walsh on behalf of the people of the state of Illinois…

*I Stole the first line of this post from Stay Tuned, by Jenniffer Weigel. This is part of my ongoing Stolen Lines Experiment. Feel free to play along. This one was hard, though! I'll try to pick an easier line to work with next time.

Update: Stolen Lines By:

The Shire Smarty
The Amazing Jane Know, who I love so much
Brand new blogger, The Rambling Law Student
The Artful Blogger
Colby in the City
Five Tomatoes To Freedom

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Sigh... Public Defenders Come Up With The Neatest Stuff!

So, the other day I'm in a courtroom that I'm not usually in. Basically, it's a courtroom for defendants who fuck up the terms of their sentence. Sometimes, it's entertaining. Sometimes it's very sad.

Sometimes, it's just annoying. This is one of those days.

So, this woman comes in, who's represented by the public defender. She's brought her kid. This usually means that she thought that the judge was going to throw her in jail, and if she brings her kid, the judge won't do it. However, judges don't fall for that very often anymore. In fact, I think a lot of judges get pissed off that a defendant would use his or her kid to save their ass. the kid is running all around the courtroom, not really being obnoxious, but definitely being a kid, touching everything etc...

So here's what happened when her case was called:

Public Defender: Judge, this is sort of an odd situation, Ms. Defendant has her child with her today, and normally she would never bring her child to court, but she HAD to bring her child to court today, because her child was thrown out of school because he was (wait for it... wait for it...) suspected of having the SWINE FLU.

Awesome. Just Awesome. I threw a fit.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

What to Do.

I have so many things to write about, and absolutely no time lately, so this is going to be messy. Actually, no it's not. I'll stick to this one topic and then write more tomorrow.

So, a couple of people have suggested to me that I should file a civil suit against the cabdriver. I never responded, because... well, I don't know.

But the fact is, I did file a civil suit. I filed it on the last day possible. It took that long to make up my mind. Sometimes, I was just so desperate to have the whole thing put behind me, that I didn't even want to contemplate any further litigation. Then, other times, I felt so exhausted and so tired and so sad and so stripped of my old self because of this that I got pissed off, and wanted to do everything to make anyone responsible pay for the damages they had caused.

I never in my wildest dreams imagined the cabdriver would be acquitted.

And now. I'm faced with this other thing. This lawsuit. I sort of put it in the back of my mind, the idea of having to go through depositions etc.. because all you hear about is how long civil lawsuits take to be resolved. I figured that I wouldn't even have to do a deposition for a year or so. When I was way less actively freaked out by the whole thing. I was wrong.

I got a phone call from my attorney on Friday telling me that my deposition would be in roughly a week.

I'm not ready to go through this again. Like, at all. It's too soon. Right? This might kill me.

Or, should I be happy it's now and suck it up and not be such a baby? Now, when I am still fucked up about the trial, that way, I can heal from it all at once and never ever ever have to look back once it's all done. Unless of course I have to testify in a civil trial. Which apparently rarely happens. But it might. But what if this is the thing that breaks me completely? It hasn't exactly been the best last few months, and anyone who knows me can pretty much attest that I've been more awful than usual to be around. Will this make me worse or better? I don't know if I have the stamina to feel worse than I do now, let alone how I felt three months ago. But, i don't know.

I don't know what to do. Should I go forward with this lawsuit, or should I back down? Someone just tell me what to do.

Oh, and the reason I am not directly asking anyone, is because I want voluntary answers. That's the best thing about blogs. You never have to comment. You can just pretend you never read this.

I have good and funny stuff to write about, too. And Stolen Lines, which apparently no one is digging this month's quote. It's just going to have to wait a day or so.

so anyway. feel free to tell me what to do. i want to know.