Thursday, September 16, 2010

Working My Way Back To You, Blog

Hi to the two people who are still checking in on my blog! It's been a long time!

So everything is good. Baby G is ridiculously awesome, and my maternity leave is ending soon. As such, I thought I'd try to start writing again. I might, and I might not.

But assuming I do continue writing, I definitely think my blog is in need of a fresh new look. So I'm working on that.

Obviously, a lot has changed in the last year of my life. Like my boobs. Speaking of my boobs, I was admiring them in the shower today, and shot myself in the eye with breast milk. They sort of lost their allure to me after that.

Besides my boobs, everything else has changed, too. Profound huge awesome crazy kick ass overwhelming changes.

The problem with writing about it is I always try to write about the forest of the last year of my life, rather than each awesome tree.

I'm going to try and figure it out though, because there are definitely some stories I want to tell. But, alas... the glorious little one is crying, so I must go for now.

Here's a picture of him though...since you asked.

Saturday, July 03, 2010

8 Pounds, 6 Ounces of Pure Awesomeness...

Say Hi to Baby G.

Born at 8:08 PM, July 2, 2010.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

What do Imelda Marcos, Jose Conseco, and Lindsay Lohan have in Common?

They are all born on the day that (HOPEFULLY) our son will make his late appearance.

Today is my last day (HOPEFULLY) being pregnant. They are inducing labor tomorrow morning bright and early. I suppose there's a chance that this could stretch out until the third of July. After all, nothing else about this pregnancy has been exactly timely.

I really didn't want to have him induced, but after the doctors looked at the ultrasound, they decided that it would probably be in his best interest to do it. I didn't initially plan on publicizing his ultrasound pictures, but this one is just too good, so if you want to see it, here it is...

Anyway, my doctor also told me that based on the positioning of the baby, and my own body, there's a good possibility we're going to be in for a very long ride. Whatever. I'm not scared.

The hospital does have wi-fi so maybe I'll update, but I make no promises. I have decided that even though I remain anonymous, I'll probably post a picture of the little one. Just because all babies pretty much look the same.

So have a great 4th of July weekend! Don't get drunk and drive a car.

See you on the other side.

Monday, June 28, 2010

And a Bar Exam Re-Post

I took a moment to look at my Sitemeter, and sure as shit, I was reminded that the bar exam is approaching. Here you go...please...listen to me.

Dear All Bar Exam Takers Everywhere,

Calm the FUCK DOWN.

Did you hear me? I'll say it again.

Calm the FUCK DOWN.

And maybe one final time... CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

Ok? Here's how I know a decent number of you are freaking out. In case you don't know, Sitemeter is this little tool that tells me who comes to my blog, and how they find my blog. Here are some of the searches that have led people to me:

"Bar Exam" & "Freaking out"
"Bar Exam Tips"
"I'm going to fail the bar exam"
"Bar Exam" & "want to die"
"Bar Exam" & "I'm a loser"
"Bar Exam" & "want to set myself on fire"
"Advice to those who failed the bar exam"
"Bar exam" & "can't stop crying"

Ok. Seriously. You need to chill out. I know that's totally unfair of me to say, because when I was studying for the bar, I asked my friend to hit me with his car, not hard enough to kill me, but just hard enough that I wouldn't have to take the bar exam. And I actually thought this was a reasonable request. So I get it. But he told me to calm the fuck down, and I did. And it helped.

I am in no position to offer actual tips on how to pass the bar, because quite frankly, I have no idea how I did it.

Here are just a few things I want to remind you of, even though I know you probably already know this.

Just because someone has all their barbri books tabbed and color coded, organized perfectly, with correlating colored flash cards, does not mean they are in a better position to pass the bar. This is not a method of learning. It's a method of feeling in control. It may not be your way. That's fine.

Most of you will pass.

Everyone feels the exact same way as you do.

Stop feeling guilty every time you catch yourself not studying. You need to take a break.


Right now, walk away from the computer. Take a breath. Take a walk. Have a drink. Have a smoke. Go have sex. Do something ELSE. The fact that you are googling the things you are googling to bring you to my blog is clearly a sign that you need to calm the FUCK DOWN, and take a break.

Just do it.


He's Going to Live in My Basement When He's 30, Isn't He?

Yep. Still pregnant. My baby is officially a mope. Please note, I have graduated from watermelon to pumpkin.

And I am so fucking bored. And the phone starts ringing at about 8:30 every morning with people asking if there's any news. WELL, THERE'S NOT.

On my Facebook page, all these people have listed their own little tips for having the little guy show up. They include:

Going to see a bad movie
listening to loud music
Kentucky Fried Chicken
Black Cohosh Tea (whatever the fuck that is)
Taking a bath
Drinking some wine
Being patient
Spicy Foods
Eggplant Parmesan

If the baby doesn't come today, tomorrow, I shall do them ALL. I'll let you know how it goes.

Oh, and Scott Rose?? I got my iphone after I dropped my Blackberry in the bathtub while texting. Are you turned on???

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

It Was Only A Matter of Time... Pregnancy Advice

Although I promised myself I would not be the person to offer unwanted advice to pregnant people, if you're Googling my blog and got to this page, you were likely Googling "pregnancy advice", anyway. And if you were just visiting my blog, because that's what you sometimes do, this won't affect your life anyway. Either way, YOU came to ME so it's hardly like the random woman in the elevator who told me about shitting myself while in labor, or the male attorney extolling the virtues of perineal massage*.

I can't offer a lot. Because I don't know a lot, but I figured I'd write down a couple of things that I found helpful. I'll do this every once in a while as I remember them. So here are my first two tidbits:

1. Don't look at the scale when you get weighed at the doctor's office. Why? It's just going to make you feel bad, even though logically you know you shouldn't be bothered. If you're a young American woman, any time the scale goes up for ANY reason, it's going to fuck with your head. So why do that to yourself? Your doctor WILL tell you if your weight is a problem. So let it go.

2. Stop eating asparagus around week 36. You have to give WAY too many urine samples. It's just rude.

*It's the taint, ok? I don't want to discuss this any further ever again.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Happy June!

Holy Shit.

This is the month I become a parent. I wish I had more to report, but really that's all that's been going on.

I've had two baby showers. A third is scheduled for this weekend. Quite frankly, one would have been enough. But whatever. There was our actual friends and family shower, my work shower, and my fiance's (yes I said fiance) work shower.

We now have a crap load of baby stuff. And it really is all pretty cute.

Oddly, I'm not really that scared. I think I'm going to pretty good at this. And I know the fiance will be awesome.

I am scared of a few things regarding labor and delivery, though. Oh, and by the way I'm not scared of grossing anyone out, so if you're easily grossed out, feel free to stop reading right here.

It seems like an obvious thing, but whether or not you're actually in labor is not always that clear cut. It's not like in the movies, where you hear a big splash, look down to see a bucket worth of water on the ground, and that's your clue to to get your ass to the hospital. But then, how DO you know? Well, there a couple of ways. One, you start having contractions, I guess. But only the CORRECT kind of contractions. How do you know if they're the correct kind of contractions? I, of course, asked that question. My doctor looked at me like I'm the dumbest bitch with a uterus and said, "Oh, you'll know." Well. THANK you and fuck you. They clearly don't know what a dumbass I am. Maybe I won't know.

This is what brought me to Google, which my doctor had previously banned me from using for all pregnancy related topics. Well, fuck her, if she can't tell me how I'm gonna know if I'm going into labor, I need someone to do it. And google taught me the two most disgusting phrases in the English language. Are you ready?


1. Mucus plug
2. Bloody show

I have nothing more to say.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Pregnancy Fear #4367345

The problem with waiting for so long to write, is then there's so much to say, and it's hard to pick just one thing. Not to mention, according to the Artful Blogger, I've lost my edge. Whatever. He's sorta right.

ANYWAY, in less than 2 months, I'm having a baby. That's a pretty crazy reality. I'm totally not ready for it, but that doesn't really freak me out. I also have no idea how to handle a newborn. Sometimes that doesn't freak me out. Today it doesn't freak me out. Today I am too busy being freaked out by other things.

15 years ago this week, a dude by the name of Timothy McVeigh blew up the Federal Building in downtown Oklahoma City. He killed something like 160 people, which was, until 9/11/01, the largest act of domestic terrorism the US had ever seen. He was a real asshole.

11 years ago this week, two dudes, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, walked into Columbine High School, where they were both seniors, and shot a bunch of people, wounding 20 something people and killing 13. They complained that they were bullied and unpopular. So they killed people. Also, huge assholes.

As I annually like to point out, April is National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. A whole month dedicated to the awareness of sexual assault is necessary because the fact is, a lot of sexual assaults happen every year. And every last one of them? Committed by assholes.

April is also National Poetry Month. Who writes poetry? You guessed it. Assholes.

Naturally, now I turn the point of this post back to myself. Or, more specifically, my unborn son.

What if HE'S an asshole? I'm not kidding. My brother is an asshole. My sister is an asshole. I'm sort of an asshole, although charming in my own right. We're not criminals by any means, but it's not completely unfathomable to think there's a possibility that my son could be an asshole!

Now, before you all say, "Oh Grace, you'll teach him right from wrong! You'll look for the signs that he is building bombs in the bathroom! You'll teach him to respect women! You'll explain to him what writing sonnets will do to his soul! You will teach by example" Well, of course I will. I will do all those things a million times over, but we can't just assume that will be enough to guarantee our children won't be rapists, murderers or poets. I'm sure the Harris, Klebold and McVeigh families didn't condone violence. I'm sure that lots of mothers and fathers taught their sons the horrors of sexual assault, and the need to learn to respect women, only to visit their son in Statesville Correctional Facility for rape.

That's kinda terrifying. How the fuck do the rest of you deal with that? I really want to know.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Coming Back. No. For Real I am.

A good friend of mine inspired me (mainly by complimenting me a lot and comparing me to a very talented and funny famous writer) to write again. I do have a lot to say. LOTS of things to report.

For example, I moved.

And I hugged a stranger.

And got engaged. Not to the stranger I hugged.

More on all that later.

I'm also still pregnant.

I will be back tomorrow.

OH. And courtesy of Butterflyfish, another Stolen Lines coming Friday.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Random Thoughts on (my) Pregnancy

In case I haven't mentioned it before, my knockers are OUT OF THIS WORLD.

I'm 24 weeks, as of yesterday. You would THINK that means that I am 6 months pregnant, wouldn't you? Well, guess what? IT DOESN'T! And apparently, the fact that I rely on a little thing called math, makes me the stupidest pregnant lady in the history of life. I am actually due on June 23. Which means that I am clearly LESS than 24 weeks. I'm actually only a little more than 5 months pregnant. How very scientific and mathy of the pregnancy people! So here's a question to the people who have previously been pregnant:

When people ask me how far along I am, which number do I give them? The real number that my lawyer mind came up with using basic third grade math, OR THE LIE PERPETUATED BY THE DOCTOR?

For the most part, pregnancy has been easy. Both physically and mentally. With the exception of two fits of crying, it's actually been pretty good. Pregnancy has been like a big fat happy pill. Probably why I haven't been writing that much. I don't know how to write happy thoughts. And quite frankly, they don't really interest me. Don't get me wrong, living a happy life interests me, but writing about one takes some getting used to. It's like it's someone else's voice.

I DEFINITELY look pregnant.

Every once in a while, I have a glass of wine. Like, maybe once a week or so. But just one. I don't care how this sounds, but I CANNOT WAIT to have like 4 martinis. And seriously. I do not care AT ALL how that sounds. 4 extra dirty vodka martinis with blue cheese stuffed olives.

Obviously, I work with a lot of police officers. I put them on the witness stand or interview them nearly every single day. Well it seems like ALL of the male officer's wives are pregnant too. So I find myself with these huge buff men in uniforms and guns, getting advice on nipple chafing. It's sort of surreal and funny and uncomfortable.

Ditto with judges. And other attorneys. And even defendants! In fact, it seems like being pregnant gives anyone and everyone a license to be wildly inappropriate with their opinions, and comments regarding baby names, my size, what I am eating/drinking, the gross things that happen during labor, etc...

We're moving into our new condo in 3 weeks. And I AM DYING to tell you all who we bought the condo from, because if you have been following my blog for a LONG time, you would find it amusing. ANYWAY, the house is already set up with a beautiful nursery for a baby boy, and it's just all around a gorgeous place.

Last weekend, we went to Babies R Us to register for baby stuff. We clearly weren't ready for such a venture. We were there for a couple of hours, and managed to register for $5.oo worth of hangers for baby clothes. That's all. So again, previously pregnant people, anything you would add to your registry? Let's try to avoid overuse of the word nipple in any descriptions of things you'd suggest in the breastfeeding equipment department, shall we?

"You're a MILP now, biotch." -Butterflyfish. For those of you not in the know, Butterflyfish is a fantastic blog, from a fantastic writer, lawyer, and Mom. Actually, I don't really know how she is as a lawyer or a mother. For all I know, she could have ARDC complaints up the hoohaa, and DCFS on her ass, but I kinda doubt it. And I do love her writing. Anyway, according to her, I'm a MILP now. As in Mothers in Law Practice. I think technically I am a Pre-Milp, but whatevs. She called me biotch. So I do what she says. Maybe I should consider writing something legally related. Yeah. I've actually been meaning to do that for some time.

A big thanks to all for the name suggestions. I don't want to say which name it is, but we've narrowed it down to three names, and one of them was suggested by a reader, so... we'll see.

Ok, I am off to watch Survivor: Heroes v, Villains. Don't judge me.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

A Contest.

Wow, I am doing a super job of keeping up with this blog, huh? To be fair, I've been pretty busy, with work, buying a new place and coming to terms with the fact that this summer I am going to be in charge of keeping a little one happy, healthy and out of the the Illinois Department of Corrections.

I spent last weekend in New York, going to see some fantastic theatre and eating some ridiculously good food. Some major things happened that I shall reveal on a later date. I want to sort of space it all out, but there's one big one that I can reveal now.

We're having a boy!! It's so fucking exciting!

Any and all name suggestions are welcome! In fact, I am considering a contest. The thing is, all the names my beloved suggests, only belong on 80 year old men, 50 YEARS AGO!

However, if you ask my beloved about the names I suggest, he'd tell you that they are either too ethnic, too religious, or too boring. (Ben is not boring!!!)

Anyway, feel free to throw your non-old man, non-ethnic, non-religious, non-boring and non-douchey names our way. If we choose yours, I PROMISE I will figure out a really good prize.


On a totally non related subject, something weird happens when I don't blog for a while. People leave REALLY stupid comments from really old posts. I don't know why this happens, or if it's even related, but it really seems like it is. I'll give you an example.

I wrote a post about how white, male criminal defense attorneys over the age of fifty generally act like assholes to young female prosecutors. Here it is if you want to read it.

Anyway, some idiot, J. Sutton says:
"It's ironic that you have the audacity to publish a blog like this and criticize experienced lawyers regarding their lack of professionalism. If your fortunate enough to still be practicing law when your in your 50's (which is doubtful) I'll lay odds that you will be pining for a little of the attention you abhor so vehemently now."
Really, J Sutton? You think when I'm 50, I am going to enjoy being interrupted, lied to, and touched, and generally demeaned in a courtroom? Ok.

Anyway, these little comments keep popping up on weird old posts. Who the fuck has the time to go through my archives anymore anyway?

Lastly, am I the only person who watches High School Reunion on TVLand? Really, everyone.. It needs to be watched.


Stay tuned for my next upcoming blog post, "HOW THE FUCK DO YOU RAISE A BABY BOY?"

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Trying to Get Back in The Swing of Things...

It's fine if no one reads these posts for a little while. They are going to suck donkey dick. I don't know why it's been so hard to write! I can't even tell you how many times I've started a post. I have had a million topics, but as soon as I write my first sentence, I just shut off the computer and turn on a 30 Rock episode, which I am completely obsessed with.

But, as I've said before, I love writing this blog, and I decided that no matter what, today, Sunday, I was going to post something. Even if it takes me all day. Even it is more talk about how FUCKING HUGE MY KNOCKERS ARE!! They really are. They broke my bra. Anyway....

Hopefully, there will be an improvement in the quality of posts as I get back in the habit of writing every day, but I'm pretty sure that at the end of this post, no one will have been at all entertained. I won't either, BUT I WILL CONTINUE TO WRITE IT!

Because I feel the need to refine some of my domestic skills, I am roasting a whole chicken right now. Not even hungry. I just feel the need to remind myself that I am capable of feeding another person something other than quesadillas and jello shots. I used to cook a lot, but it's been a long time. It's one of those things that mothers are supposed to know how to do. Not like my mom knew how to cook. And actually, she was so cool I didn't really care. So I don't really know why the fuck I am making this fucking chicken. I also plan on cutting down on the use of the word fuck. Not today, though.

Today is about refining my domestic skills. And planning how I can beat my downstairs fuckstain neighbor to within an inch of his life and get away with it. Jiminy Crickets, It's going to be a busy afternoon!

So, I'm almost 17 weeks pregnant. I have had two differant ultrasounds and what's called a CVS. for those who don't know, a CVS is this genetic test that they give to make sure the baby has the right number of chromosomes. I am pleased to announce that Baby Grace has the correct number of chromosomes. I am starting to show a little bit. I think I can probably wear my regular clothes for about another 3 or 4 weeks, but then I am going to have to give in and buy pregnant lady things.

Besides that, I got nothing to report. I have something to tell about the cab driver, but I am not in the mood to go down that road tonight.

All people who have kids: I have questions. I'll be asking them. Prepare to answer them.