Thursday, March 04, 2010

Random Thoughts on (my) Pregnancy

In case I haven't mentioned it before, my knockers are OUT OF THIS WORLD.

I'm 24 weeks, as of yesterday. You would THINK that means that I am 6 months pregnant, wouldn't you? Well, guess what? IT DOESN'T! And apparently, the fact that I rely on a little thing called math, makes me the stupidest pregnant lady in the history of life. I am actually due on June 23. Which means that I am clearly LESS than 24 weeks. I'm actually only a little more than 5 months pregnant. How very scientific and mathy of the pregnancy people! So here's a question to the people who have previously been pregnant:

When people ask me how far along I am, which number do I give them? The real number that my lawyer mind came up with using basic third grade math, OR THE LIE PERPETUATED BY THE DOCTOR?

For the most part, pregnancy has been easy. Both physically and mentally. With the exception of two fits of crying, it's actually been pretty good. Pregnancy has been like a big fat happy pill. Probably why I haven't been writing that much. I don't know how to write happy thoughts. And quite frankly, they don't really interest me. Don't get me wrong, living a happy life interests me, but writing about one takes some getting used to. It's like it's someone else's voice.

I DEFINITELY look pregnant.

Every once in a while, I have a glass of wine. Like, maybe once a week or so. But just one. I don't care how this sounds, but I CANNOT WAIT to have like 4 martinis. And seriously. I do not care AT ALL how that sounds. 4 extra dirty vodka martinis with blue cheese stuffed olives.

Obviously, I work with a lot of police officers. I put them on the witness stand or interview them nearly every single day. Well it seems like ALL of the male officer's wives are pregnant too. So I find myself with these huge buff men in uniforms and guns, getting advice on nipple chafing. It's sort of surreal and funny and uncomfortable.

Ditto with judges. And other attorneys. And even defendants! In fact, it seems like being pregnant gives anyone and everyone a license to be wildly inappropriate with their opinions, and comments regarding baby names, my size, what I am eating/drinking, the gross things that happen during labor, etc...

We're moving into our new condo in 3 weeks. And I AM DYING to tell you all who we bought the condo from, because if you have been following my blog for a LONG time, you would find it amusing. ANYWAY, the house is already set up with a beautiful nursery for a baby boy, and it's just all around a gorgeous place.

Last weekend, we went to Babies R Us to register for baby stuff. We clearly weren't ready for such a venture. We were there for a couple of hours, and managed to register for $5.oo worth of hangers for baby clothes. That's all. So again, previously pregnant people, anything you would add to your registry? Let's try to avoid overuse of the word nipple in any descriptions of things you'd suggest in the breastfeeding equipment department, shall we?

"You're a MILP now, biotch." -Butterflyfish. For those of you not in the know, Butterflyfish is a fantastic blog, from a fantastic writer, lawyer, and Mom. Actually, I don't really know how she is as a lawyer or a mother. For all I know, she could have ARDC complaints up the hoohaa, and DCFS on her ass, but I kinda doubt it. And I do love her writing. Anyway, according to her, I'm a MILP now. As in Mothers in Law Practice. I think technically I am a Pre-Milp, but whatevs. She called me biotch. So I do what she says. Maybe I should consider writing something legally related. Yeah. I've actually been meaning to do that for some time.

A big thanks to all for the name suggestions. I don't want to say which name it is, but we've narrowed it down to three names, and one of them was suggested by a reader, so... we'll see.

Ok, I am off to watch Survivor: Heroes v, Villains. Don't judge me.