Thursday, March 04, 2010

Random Thoughts on (my) Pregnancy

In case I haven't mentioned it before, my knockers are OUT OF THIS WORLD.

I'm 24 weeks, as of yesterday. You would THINK that means that I am 6 months pregnant, wouldn't you? Well, guess what? IT DOESN'T! And apparently, the fact that I rely on a little thing called math, makes me the stupidest pregnant lady in the history of life. I am actually due on June 23. Which means that I am clearly LESS than 24 weeks. I'm actually only a little more than 5 months pregnant. How very scientific and mathy of the pregnancy people! So here's a question to the people who have previously been pregnant:

When people ask me how far along I am, which number do I give them? The real number that my lawyer mind came up with using basic third grade math, OR THE LIE PERPETUATED BY THE DOCTOR?

For the most part, pregnancy has been easy. Both physically and mentally. With the exception of two fits of crying, it's actually been pretty good. Pregnancy has been like a big fat happy pill. Probably why I haven't been writing that much. I don't know how to write happy thoughts. And quite frankly, they don't really interest me. Don't get me wrong, living a happy life interests me, but writing about one takes some getting used to. It's like it's someone else's voice.

I DEFINITELY look pregnant.

Every once in a while, I have a glass of wine. Like, maybe once a week or so. But just one. I don't care how this sounds, but I CANNOT WAIT to have like 4 martinis. And seriously. I do not care AT ALL how that sounds. 4 extra dirty vodka martinis with blue cheese stuffed olives.

Obviously, I work with a lot of police officers. I put them on the witness stand or interview them nearly every single day. Well it seems like ALL of the male officer's wives are pregnant too. So I find myself with these huge buff men in uniforms and guns, getting advice on nipple chafing. It's sort of surreal and funny and uncomfortable.

Ditto with judges. And other attorneys. And even defendants! In fact, it seems like being pregnant gives anyone and everyone a license to be wildly inappropriate with their opinions, and comments regarding baby names, my size, what I am eating/drinking, the gross things that happen during labor, etc...

We're moving into our new condo in 3 weeks. And I AM DYING to tell you all who we bought the condo from, because if you have been following my blog for a LONG time, you would find it amusing. ANYWAY, the house is already set up with a beautiful nursery for a baby boy, and it's just all around a gorgeous place.

Last weekend, we went to Babies R Us to register for baby stuff. We clearly weren't ready for such a venture. We were there for a couple of hours, and managed to register for $5.oo worth of hangers for baby clothes. That's all. So again, previously pregnant people, anything you would add to your registry? Let's try to avoid overuse of the word nipple in any descriptions of things you'd suggest in the breastfeeding equipment department, shall we?

"You're a MILP now, biotch." -Butterflyfish. For those of you not in the know, Butterflyfish is a fantastic blog, from a fantastic writer, lawyer, and Mom. Actually, I don't really know how she is as a lawyer or a mother. For all I know, she could have ARDC complaints up the hoohaa, and DCFS on her ass, but I kinda doubt it. And I do love her writing. Anyway, according to her, I'm a MILP now. As in Mothers in Law Practice. I think technically I am a Pre-Milp, but whatevs. She called me biotch. So I do what she says. Maybe I should consider writing something legally related. Yeah. I've actually been meaning to do that for some time.

A big thanks to all for the name suggestions. I don't want to say which name it is, but we've narrowed it down to three names, and one of them was suggested by a reader, so... we'll see.

Ok, I am off to watch Survivor: Heroes v, Villains. Don't judge me.


j'lynn said...

As for the math of a pregnancy...what I think so many people don't think about is the fact that you are technically pregnant 10 months, not 9. 40 weeks full gestation with the average of 4 weeks per month=10 months. As this always appeared a problem for people to comprehend when I would try to explain this concept I decided to go with "weeks" and just left them deal with the month thing. I think it is the actual calendar that fucks it all up! LOL So I declare you 24 weeks pregnant!

As for your want tons of onesies! I couldn't have enough onesis when I had my son 8 years ago this June!! Of course I have this crazy issue with people touching my baby's stomach and can't stand it when you pick up a baby and they are all pulled apart (their outfits that is!) and their belly is exposed. Plus I found it helpful if he had an exploding diaper...I didn't have to change and therefore wash an entire outfit...just a onesie! Also, the two other things I went thru like crazy were burp cloths and bibs! I would also recommend going up in sizes. These little stinkers grow fast so I would triple everything by ordering 0-3 months, 3-6 months, & 6-9 months for all sleepers, onsies, outfits, etc... Same thing with diapers too!! And I also don't think you can have too many bottles, but I didn't breast feed (I had a desire to have my body back a-sap, including my boobs!) so that may very if you do breast feed... Don't forget about creams, lotions, wipes, soaps, shampoos, etc. I can't think of anything else off the top of my head. Hopefully you find some of this helpful!

I'm so happy for you!! :) I love babies!!! Good luck!

Sra said...

The problem with your math is your notion that months are made up of 4 weeks. That's only true of February. Every other month is at least 2 days longer than 4 weeks. The numbers make more sense when you think about them in terms of days. 24 weeks x 7 days/week = 168 days. 5 months x an average of 30 days/month = 150 days. 6 months would be about 180 days. Clearly you are just over 5 months pregnant. Congratulations.

Anonymous said...

I knew I loved you for a reason. That's exactly how I drink my martinis, preferably Belvedere but I'll tolerate Stoli.

Daisy said...

One- Amalah has an awesome registry guide in her pregnancy stuff, I helped my brother use it for my nephew.

But, things they ended up really liking/needing/using:

- swaddling blankets for the first few months, sleep sacks for after

- extra sets of crib sheets

- mattress cover of a waterproof variety

- cloth diapers to use to clean up messes, spit up & more (register for twice as many as you think you'll need)

- onesies & socks

- a few different kind of bottles. You never know what kind he'll like, and if and when you might end up needing to supplement with formula.

- a snap & go stroller that is just a frame that his carseat snaps into really easily, it makes city living easier in the beginning.

Anonymous said...

So nice to hear from you again. Enjoy your last few months, er weeks of pregnancy.

Anonymous said...

We loved the velcro swaddling wraps. Our little boy could get out of swaddling blankets in record time. Also, some kind of womb sounds bear or sound machine. We didn't want him to only be able to sleep when it was really quiet, so we've been using either the bear or the sound machine (set to ocean waves) from day one (he's 6 months old) and it's worked wonders!

Me said...

Don't ask for receiving blankets. People always say you can never have enough blankets but it is not true. People will give them to you in droves. I found that I needed hangers a ton, so good call!

The Namby Pamby said...

Milp,pre-milp, milf...whatev

Butterflyfish said...

Namby, we wanted to do MILF (Moms in the Legal Field) but didn't did the p0rn searchers.

I've always included the pregnant lawyers and law students as MILPs. I am actually disappointed in myself for not including you sooner :-)

Registry: You need one safe place where you can put the baby down that is not the crib/playpen for when he is awake and active but you need to shower or cook or poop. I liked the bouncy seat we had -- it was very soft and played music and vibrated. Some people prefer swings. I found bouncy seat more portable.

Anonymous said...

The Graco Sweetpeace swing is THE.BEST.SWING.EVER. It plays lullabies, womb sounds, the seat vibrates, it connects to your iPod and has six speeds. It also plugs in so you're not constantly running through batteries (though it runs on batteries too, if you want to take it outside). Without a doubt though, the best feature is that you can take the seat off (super easily) and snap in your Graco carseat. I use this pretty much every night when I get home from work (also a MILP) and the little guy has passed out in the car. It lets him nap a little longer and lets me get some stuff done.

Cassie said...

Yeah I plan to start drinking the margaritas the minute I get home after delivering the baby. Everything else I can do without butI am in serious tequila withdrawal.

Googie Baba said...

Oh my god, please tell me you are going to name the baby Gus. That would make me so happy.

And I have a ton of opinions about baby registries. First of all, you are about to be inundated with clothes, so mostly you don't have to worry about them. But I agree, you need a lot of onesies and some sleepers. You will buy the baby a crib to sleep in, and then if you are like me and every other parent I talk to, the baby will end up sleeping in your bed. Just trust me, that is where the baby is going to end up. But the crib looks nice, and it makes the grandparents happy.

You need a diaper pail and some diapers. And I really like baby carriers like slings and baby bjorn. I am probably sound like a hippie. I swear to god, I'm not.

And I think by law you have to have a car seat, even if you don't own a car.

Anonymous said...

A baby swing. A top of the line, automatic winding, quiet, easy to access, ass kickin baby swing. Cause when that little fucker is crying non-stop and just won't shut up - that baby swing will save your sanity. Really, there is nothing more important than this swing. I have NEVER seen a baby that wasn't happy just rocking away. A swing. Get a swing. And some onesies.

Colby said...

My brother's friends here in Vegas are in the booze business. Just let me know, and I'll have cases of vodka (your choice) delivered to the delivery room. What? Is that wrong?

Fannie said...

"but I CANNOT WAIT to have like 4 martinis."

Come on now. By 4, you really mean like 13. Although, after 9 months of not really drinking, you actually might pass out after 4. :-)

I've heard other pregnant ladies talk about the unsolicited bodily advice. Something about women magically turning into public incubators once they're visibly pregnant...

Jax said...

Love to see you blogging! :) And I would NEVER judge a girl who wants martinis.. I would embrace her. I'm not good with knowing I CANT have a martini would make me want one a hundred times more.

And on the baby registry thing.. I literally had 6 college friends have babies last year... Must haves: a boppy. Those pillow things are freaking amazing. We had game night...and beer...and baby slept soundly on the boppy we'd put on the coffee table (yes, the baby was on the coffee table) surrounded by board games and beer cans. It was quite a scene. Boppy=amazing.

And there's this thing all my friends swear by from Pottery Barn kids...a sleep sheep. I dont get it, but it plays "soothing sounds" and knocks their kids right into dreamland. Seriously. Godsend.

There ya go...all I know about motherhood in one comment. ;) (seriously glad to read your blog again.. Keep it up whenever you have time, girlie!) :)

Anonymous said...

Just a tip--most baby clothes are sized 0-3, 3-6 months, etc. Carter's clothes are just 3 month, 6 month, etc. The size listed is the high end of the range it will fit--in other words a size 3 will fit 0-3 months, not 3-6. I missed out on being able to use a lot of really cute outfits because I didn't figure this out until my son was almost 5 months old.