Thursday, April 22, 2010

Pregnancy Fear #4367345

The problem with waiting for so long to write, is then there's so much to say, and it's hard to pick just one thing. Not to mention, according to the Artful Blogger, I've lost my edge. Whatever. He's sorta right.

ANYWAY, in less than 2 months, I'm having a baby. That's a pretty crazy reality. I'm totally not ready for it, but that doesn't really freak me out. I also have no idea how to handle a newborn. Sometimes that doesn't freak me out. Today it doesn't freak me out. Today I am too busy being freaked out by other things.

15 years ago this week, a dude by the name of Timothy McVeigh blew up the Federal Building in downtown Oklahoma City. He killed something like 160 people, which was, until 9/11/01, the largest act of domestic terrorism the US had ever seen. He was a real asshole.

11 years ago this week, two dudes, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, walked into Columbine High School, where they were both seniors, and shot a bunch of people, wounding 20 something people and killing 13. They complained that they were bullied and unpopular. So they killed people. Also, huge assholes.

As I annually like to point out, April is National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. A whole month dedicated to the awareness of sexual assault is necessary because the fact is, a lot of sexual assaults happen every year. And every last one of them? Committed by assholes.

April is also National Poetry Month. Who writes poetry? You guessed it. Assholes.

Naturally, now I turn the point of this post back to myself. Or, more specifically, my unborn son.

What if HE'S an asshole? I'm not kidding. My brother is an asshole. My sister is an asshole. I'm sort of an asshole, although charming in my own right. We're not criminals by any means, but it's not completely unfathomable to think there's a possibility that my son could be an asshole!

Now, before you all say, "Oh Grace, you'll teach him right from wrong! You'll look for the signs that he is building bombs in the bathroom! You'll teach him to respect women! You'll explain to him what writing sonnets will do to his soul! You will teach by example" Well, of course I will. I will do all those things a million times over, but we can't just assume that will be enough to guarantee our children won't be rapists, murderers or poets. I'm sure the Harris, Klebold and McVeigh families didn't condone violence. I'm sure that lots of mothers and fathers taught their sons the horrors of sexual assault, and the need to learn to respect women, only to visit their son in Statesville Correctional Facility for rape.

That's kinda terrifying. How the fuck do the rest of you deal with that? I really want to know.


Proto Attorney said...

Don't worry. I'm sure you'll notice if your kid is building an arsenal in your garage. Or writing poetry.

I'm not really worried about it, probably because freakishly enough, my kid acts exactly like me. She looks exactly like me too. It's kinda weird, having this little Mini Me running around. We're totally going to hate each other when she's a teenager, but I figure as long as she doesn't grow up to be some sort of uber-conservative bigoted asshole, we'll be okay. Even if she's a poet.

j'lynn said...







(Rinse and repeat as needed....)

Shantelle said...

Asshole-dom is often temporary. My one year old is sometimes an asshole. A lot of the time she's not. My mom and I were assholes to each other in my teenage years, and now we kick back with a glass of wine and talk about it. I have this same fear though; that my daughter will grow up to be an asshole, and even worse, a Republican one. I figure if she does, I'll still love her, we just won't hang out that much. Then once life teaches her some lessons we'll kick back with some wine. I have no idea what I would do if she turned out to be a serial killer, maybe she just wouldn't get the good wine.

Daisy said...

There is no promise your kid won't be an asshole, but if I feel like you are not noticing it, I'll be happy to point it out. Just let me know how you'd like me to word it. Perhaps: "Grace. Yo. Your kid SUCKS", or maybe you have a code word we could use. Like "asphalt". As in "Grace. Your kid has gone asphalt" and then you'd know to start looking under his toddler bed for the bomb kits.

Let me know what you think of my plan.

Also: dinner soon. Your 'hood.

Kay said...

We just have to do the best that we can at bringing them up with good values. I think I've done pretty good with my three "assholes" (after all aren't we all at some point?). Maybe it was the alcohol that really helped the most! Glad you're back. Enjoy reading your blog!

Chatty Fattie said...

Dude, I write a blog about my kid being a jerk. Which she totally is, as are each of her parents. Even though she's five and I pretend to be a "seasoned" parent, I'm still fucking terrified she'll grow up and join Young Republicans or want to go to bible camp. Reading your blog is enough to tell me that you don't have to worry about raising a sociopath or a poet. You're a liberal, open minded asshole (the good kind), and your kid will be one, too. Even if you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Also, anyone who acts like they know what they're doing when it comes to parenting is either low functioning or a dirty fucking liar.

Googie Baba said...

I wouldn't worry too much about him writing sonnets.

Tree Hugging 2L said...

I always wonder, as I observe the jerks that I go to school with, whether their moms know they're assholes? My guess is no. Which I agree, is super disturbing. But maybe their moms are assholes too. I just stumbled on your blog - but I realize that you don't like poetry, have a love of sarcasm, and have a place in your heart for the f word. So, my powers tell me that you are NOT an asshole - and thus your kid stands half a chance.

Butterflyfish said...

And Artful thinks you've lost your edge? uhhh, no. Great post.

I am convinced I've 'broken' my kid already. I lose sleep over it sometimes. But we all just do the best we can. And if my son turns out to be a huge asshole, I'm refusing to pay for his college.

Also, I love nearly every one of your commenters equates rapist, murderer, poet asshole with another horror... Republican.

Colby said...

Um. Yeah. Edge. Not lost. Triumphant return if I do say so. And it's ok if he's a bit of an asshole, just teach him there's an appropriate time and place for it. Like with telemarketers. I'm always an asshole to them.