Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Happy June!

Holy Shit.

This is the month I become a parent. I wish I had more to report, but really that's all that's been going on.

I've had two baby showers. A third is scheduled for this weekend. Quite frankly, one would have been enough. But whatever. There was our actual friends and family shower, my work shower, and my fiance's (yes I said fiance) work shower.

We now have a crap load of baby stuff. And it really is all pretty cute.

Oddly, I'm not really that scared. I think I'm going to pretty good at this. And I know the fiance will be awesome.

I am scared of a few things regarding labor and delivery, though. Oh, and by the way I'm not scared of grossing anyone out, so if you're easily grossed out, feel free to stop reading right here.

It seems like an obvious thing, but whether or not you're actually in labor is not always that clear cut. It's not like in the movies, where you hear a big splash, look down to see a bucket worth of water on the ground, and that's your clue to to get your ass to the hospital. But then, how DO you know? Well, there a couple of ways. One, you start having contractions, I guess. But only the CORRECT kind of contractions. How do you know if they're the correct kind of contractions? I, of course, asked that question. My doctor looked at me like I'm the dumbest bitch with a uterus and said, "Oh, you'll know." Well. THANK you and fuck you. They clearly don't know what a dumbass I am. Maybe I won't know.

This is what brought me to Google, which my doctor had previously banned me from using for all pregnancy related topics. Well, fuck her, if she can't tell me how I'm gonna know if I'm going into labor, I need someone to do it. And google taught me the two most disgusting phrases in the English language. Are you ready?


1. Mucus plug
2. Bloody show

I have nothing more to say.


Shantelle said...

Yeah except those things are actually only an indication labor is coming within a week or two. NOT HELPFUL. I was where you are. There were a lot of nights thinking "this is it!" and I had actual painful contractions all night and then it went away. The doctor would check me and I'd had progress, so it wasn't all for nothing, but still, it wasn't the real deal.

And then I showed up and had my water broken by my doctor. And then I had REAL contractions. Jesus Christ they hurt so fucking bad and trust me, YOU WILL KNOW. It's sort of like someone took your menstrual cramps and turned them up to 11. And you can't stop trying to poop because that's the sort of pain it is, like you have to take the biggest poop ever and you're just praying it will finally happen.

And then I got the epidural and life became the most amazing beautiful thing ever.

Anonymous said...

awesomely hilarious post.

Proto Attorney said...

I spent 12 hours trying to convince myself I was just losing bladder control and piddling on myself, because I had a final exam at 8:30 the next morning that I was actually prepared for and wanted to take. I finally drove myself to the hospital at midnight, still thinking I'd be doing the walk of shame out of triage, but nope. In labor. Oops. I didn't deliver for another 20 hours though, so I should have just taken the exam. My moaning might have distracted my classmates and given me an edge.

j'lynn said...

This is a great month to become a mommy...I did it 8 years ago this month! hehehe

As for the contractions part...your doctor is an idiot, IMO, because I didn't know the difference. A contraction is a contraction and I'm paying that doctor to tell me if it is real or not, because they all felt the same to me...my fake one sucked just like my real one did a couple weeks later!

As for the 2 things you learned....LMFAO!!! Aren't these disgusting things. Welcome to impending motherhood! :)

Michael said...

Have fun popping it out! :p

Anonymous said...

I kept having these pains in my stomach but everybody told me that I would feel pains in my back so I shrugged it off and told my husband to go to work. It was only because they kept happening so close together that I called my doctor who said "We've only got one bed left so you better mean it or I am sending you right back home." I was 6.5 centimeters when we arrived at the hospital. My advice is - once you feel pain that takes your breath away a little bit, that's a real contraction. Also, not sure if you are on the fence about it but definitely get the epidural.

Butterflyfish said...

The small yappy dog is now in its cage. But if you forget to blog again...


Tree Hugging 2L said...

Mucus plug. Sick. I google imaged that for a pregnant friend months ago. I still feel grossed out. But don't worry - birth is a beautiful thing. Or so they say. :)

Law Daze said...

I had my first baby at home and my midwives were driving from San Antonio, so my doc arranged for me to go to the hospal to be checked when I thought it was the real thing. First baby, two weeks past due date. BTW, people can be really stupid around/after your due date. I kept getting these phone calls. Have you had the baby yet? No, no baby yet. The next question was almost always, well, when are you going to have the baby? Like I knew.

On Sunday, I went to church and noticed several twinges, periodic, contractions (google 'Braxton Hicks' contractions) basically real contractions, just kind of a test run. Some women have them off and on days and weeks before delivery, but I did not. After church, went to the grocery store, still having periodic mild contractions. I would stop pushing the basket for the contraction moment, and I definitely felt something, but it was not pain or so intense that I had any concern about it. Wondered if this would be the day. Went home, ate a light lunch (docs would say no, don't do that) and watched t.v. Late afternoon/early evening I tried to take a nap but the contractions would not let me sleep. Still not intense, just I knew they were happening - pretty sure it was the real thing, just a long, slow, labor.

Went to the hospital around 5pm - barely dialated. Came home - this was when I could not nap. Ate a bowl of homemade soup and played cards with a friend while hubby napped. Contractions more often, and a little more intense. Went back to the hospital around 9pm for another exam - about 3 centimeters dialated, I think.

After I got back home, the contractions increased and I decided I wanted the midwives to head our way - even if it was going to take awhile, I was feeling these things now and wanted to be taken care of. Still not that bad, but each one lasted longer and they were more often - I think the time in between was the spacing that docs generally tell you to head for the hospital. It was late April in Texas and a pretty warm night. I did feel it in my back some and so spent part of the time in a warm bubble bath (more comforting than curative - kind of like a heating pad or hot bath for cramps) and alternated with sitting on my bed in front of a fan.

I do remember that during this time, I was pretty much a short-tempered bitch. "Get off the phone with them so they can come here NOW!!!!! Or else!!". Of course, that was only during the contracttions. In between, I was normal and felt fine.

Law Daze said...

There are 3 stages to labor - stage 1 , transition, and stage 2. Stage 1 can be long or short, hard or, like most of my long Sunday afternoon, nothing more than uncomfortable. Then the pace picks up. "Transition" is a fairly brief time between stage one (just contractions, when the cervix is thinning and dialating) and stage two (when it's time to push). Trust me, while I did wonder about the contractions during the day (is it real or not?) and was aware that the contractions were real (more intense, frequent) during the evening but did not know how much progress was taking place, there was absolutely NO DOUBT that something big was happening during transition. Instead a a contraction starting (okay, I feel it tightening up, here it comes) . . . . lasting however long (do your breathing during them - I used a slow, deep breathing method instead of the panting Lamaze). . .during transition, one contraction does not really end before another begins - it's like a wave, one overlapping the other - yes, it hurt, but really that period is brief - and the breathing is an important thing - keeps you focused. Any breathing technique is good - if you haven't done a class or practiced, just do a few practices with the fiance or friend who will be with you. Eye contact and having someone encourage (or order) you to breath in, breath out, etc., is a good thing.

Stage two is pushing. I found it easier than the short waves of contractions immediately before it. I was able to take a breath and relax in between (not long, mind you - but a break in contractions will feel good). In the movies you always see someone instructing the woman in labor to 'push now!". I did not need instructions - I did not actually choose to push - it was more a matter of my body pushing and I just went with it. This you will feel and 'know' -- your body/the contractions will just start pushing - and I suppose it is a good thing for you to add your own pushing with it. It felt . . . kind of good to feel something happening rather than just having my midsection taken over by great contractions/cramps/tightness.

Everyone's experience is different, but a key thing that helped make childbirth a good experience for me was the LANGUAGE I and the others around me used. What I thought in my head and the words we chose to use --- contractions, labor contractions, NOT 'pains.' If you are expecting the feel of 'pain' it will make each contraction feel worse. If you consider them to be what they are -- your muscles squeezing out the baby -- i.e., contracting -- then your perception will help your body. Yes, some are stronger than others, and there are points during it where they may be intense enough to justify the 'p' word, but trust me, I don't really remember - just that some were stronger, and all were managable. The hardest part was also the shortest - and it was hard only because during that part there was not a moment in between each one to recoup, rest, focus.

When I had my first chance to catch my breath after moving to stage two, I leaned back and said, 'you know, I can do this. I might want to do it again sometime. " And I did.

Law Daze said...


There was no piddling or pooping. No throwing up or nausea. No sudden water breaking in WalMart. During my first labor, the midwives broke the amneonic sac but only after I was in stage two, pushing. With my second (in-hospital) delivery, that happened by itself, but at about the same time. The fluid is helpful to cushion the baby, but again, everyone has a different experience - just take all the stories and things you read and understand that some of them may happen - if so, you're not suprised or worrried. I had much more pressure (okay, pain) in my back the second time, but then again, I had a crappy, unhelpful (now ex) husband that time. Your own attitude, your relationship, and the person(s) you surround yourself with that day can really make a positive (or negative) difference. Wishing you, fiance, and baby all the best.

p.s. Let me know if you want to know what both my midwives and doctor told me about kissing - it can be helpful (and a great distraction). And don't discount the perineal massage thing.